HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY, SON

Wishing you a very happy birthday in heaven!! You are loved and missed everyday! I still think about what might have been and I still see you in every little boy that passes by!

I LOVE YOU BABY BOY!!! I hope you enjoyed your balloons!!

35 MONTHS & A BIRTHDAY

Cylas you have been gone for 35 months. And I still miss you so very much. December is the hardest month for me and January isn't much better! Just know that I love and miss you everyday!! I will carry you in my heart forever and always!!

Please be close to your Nana today, it's her Birthday!! She loves and misses you too!!!

Love,
Mommy

BAH-HUM-BUG

Your birthday is only a couple weeks away and right now its more like the calm before the storm!! I'm trying to find ways to stay busy and occupied and it works for a little while and then I'm back to square one. I haven't even had time to really buy anything for your grave and that stresses me out a lot. The lanterns I ordered have come in but I still need to buy flowers, toys, and balloons! Oh and I need to get a cake. I hate having to stay so occupied!

I've had to go shopping for two different programs and I have announced to everyone that I don't do Christmas and I don't wrap! Some people understand and then some look at me like I'm crazy!! I'm in a Bah-hum-bug kind of mood! I really miss you and every little boy I see reminds me of what might have been!! It just kills my heart. I'm doing the best I can to make it through the holidays without losing it!

AND I have to plan something for Teela's 2nd birthday too!! And I don't want to! Cylas you missed and loved everyday! I think I might be keeping myself sick and I really need to find a way to handle my grief and stress! There are times I don't cry when I need to and then there are times I don't relax when I know I should! All I know is that I want to be here for your sisters! Cylas please help me figure out what I need to do! Please stay close to everyone, epecially your sisters!!

Trying to stay strong,
MOMMY

DECEMBER 1, 2010

Today is December 1st!! Around here everyone is running around like crazy people. We received our per capita today so everyone on the REZ will be RICH for a little while! Me, I'm not crazy most of mine will go to the house. I pay the house payment up for 6 months, it's just one less thing to worry about. And of course, I have to buy a few Christmas gifts (gift cards) for my loved ones. I have no idea what I am going to get your sisters for Christmas. I've told them that they won't get anything from me because I want to buy them a swing set for our new house and I want to save money for that. But I might still surprise them and get them something small. But the swing set will definitely be a good gift they just won't get it until it warms up around here.

I have ordered some lanterns that we will be sent off on your Birthday. I am always looking for something new to honor you and the lanterns are it!! They were featured in the movie Tangled and I absolutely fell in love with them. I also need to get you some new flowers and toys for your grave. I'll have to look for that stuff this weekend. I am dreading what's coming. I am dreading Christmas but that is nothing new. I would much rather disappear then actually sit here and wait for it to get here. Your 3rd birthday is 23 days away and Teela's 2nd birthday is 22 days away. I don't want to punish Teela and not celebrate her but I'm just not in the mood. Does that sound crazy or wrong?

I don't know I guess I'll figure it out. Thinking about you Little Man!!!

Mommy loves you very much!!!!!!!

35 MONTHS OLD TODAY

I didn't want to forget to post something today. Cylas today you are one month closer to turning 3 and it's so hard to believe!!! You may have only been in my life for a short time but you have forever left a huge void in my life. I am trying to be happy and positive and enjoy the upcoming holidays but I find it so hard. This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've had days where I felt like I could crawl under a rock and hide for the next month or so and then there are days when everything is alright and I feel like I can make it. I let your sister pick out some things for your grave last week and I hope to make it to see you soon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I hate to say it but it's hard to be thankful when what you wish for the most is no longer here. I would give anything to get you back. I would love to be chasing around three little monkeys!! Being a mom has been the best thing to happen to me. I love being a mom and I have been blessed with three little lives. You were only 3 weeks old when you died but I did my very best to make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. I regret everyday that I wasn't able to keep you from getting sick. Deep down I still blame myself but it's not as much as I used to. I have learned that I can't be superMOM and that babies get sick, but it's still so hard to believe that your gone.

Everyone around me is talking about decorating and buying Christmas gifts and I make a face and stick my tongue out. I am so not in the mood to do any of that. I know that I have your sisters to decorate for but Prairie has gotten use to seeing her mom unenthused by all the drama of Christmas. Teela is just now starting to notice whats going on. And I must admit she's cute when she gets excited over seeing lit up trees and all the Christmas inflatables that people have in their yards. So I know that she gets to see that stuff I don't necessarily have to run out and buy it. She says Can Cause for Santa Claus and Christmas Mees for Christmas Trees!!

But to sum it all up: I MISS YOU. I WANT YOU HERE TO BE A PART OF ALL THE FUN. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE LIGHT UP AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH ALL THREE OF MY BABIES NOT JUST TWO!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WILL PLAY OUT THIS YEAR. IT SEEMS LIKE EACH YEAR I FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SITUATION.

Prairie and I have decided that we will send you a ton of ballons for your birthday, we'll buy you some new flowers & toys for your grave, and even have a birthday cake on your birthday. I want to do this and I want to make sure you know that we still love you and think about you often. I still need to find a special ornament for you this year. I just haven't had a chance to look. I have alot to get done. I just don't feel like doing it.

HAPPY 35 MONTHS IN HEAVEN CYLAS MYCHAL!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED EVERYDAY!!!!

MOMMY

34 MONTHS

My sweet little Cylas, you have been gone for 34 months today. I would like to say that it has gotten easier but it has not. Yesterday your sister asked me to read "Dancing on the Moon" and I broke down as I was reading it. It is still so hard for me to make it through that book. But she loves it because it reminds her that you never far away and that you are always in her heart.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and always will! I love you baby boy!!!

Mom

YOUR BRICK

Cylas I purchased a brick that is on display now at your sister's school. I just wanted to show you what it looks like.

SOME THOUGHTS

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!

EMOTIONAL

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!

34 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.

33 MONTHS

I remembered you today with a broken heart. I haven't held you in my arms since January 2008 and I still wish everyday that you were here with us. I also remembered all babies taken too soon!!! Today is the day to remember all of your angel friends. I need to find a candle to light tonight at 7 but even if I don't do that, I will still think about you and all your friends.

I still miss you so much. I can close my eyes and see your chubby cheeks and thick black hair. I remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. And I remember looking into your eyes each night as I fed you. I long to hold you in my arms. And to smell you smell again.

I LOVE YOU CYLAS (Taladu)!!!!!

I'M EARLY

TOMORROW IS THE DAY TO REMEMBER ALL BABIES LOST. I AM A LITTLE EARLY BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS POSTED.


KARRY: I REMEMBER JACK


LIZ: I REMEMBER ALIVIA


CHRISTINE: I REMEMBER OLIVE LUCY


SHANNON: I REMEMBER TRISTAN


KELLY: I REMEMBER REESE


SAMARIA: I REMEMBER SAIGE


MICHELLEY: I REMEMBER ALEXANDRA


BROOKE: I REMEMBER CADEN


SARA: I REMEMBER AUSTIN


DIV: I REMEMBER MIHIR


MAYDA: I REMEMBER LITTLE HAWK


MACHELE: I REMEMBER MACAYLA


MISTY: I REMEMBER JAY


BETH: I REMEMBER JOSHUA


^j^ I ALSO REMEMBER ALL THE NEW ANGELS AND THEIR FAMILIES THAT HAVE JOINED US IN RECENT MONTHS. ^j^

TOMORROW

Tomorrow is OCTOBER 15TH, please join me in remembering all babies who have died, including my son Cylas! You can do this by lighting a candle or even remembering to pray for someone you know who has lost a child. It's not something to be ashamed of and I for one am not ashamed! He was my son with those chubby cheeks and black hair. He was a baby brother to my daughter, he was a nephew, he was a cousin, and he was a grandson!! He was real and he was here! I will miss him forever but he will live on in my heart always!!

SHARING THIS WITH YOU...............

Cylas we survived Fair week. The new Kituwah Academy float placed 2nd this year, but it should have gotten first. AND your sister was named 1st Runner-up in the 2010 Little Miss Cherokee pageant. I am so proud of your sister. She did an outstanding job. She was carrying you with her every step of the way!!! I think thinking of you made her stay calm and confidant!!! She told me at one point that she was just thinking about you. It brought tears to my eyes to think about you missing yet another special event in our lives. But I'm glad she included you in her thoughts!!

And she's ready for next year!!!!

OCTOBER

October is always a busy month for our family, well maybe just the first full week, but it's still very busy. It's Fair week, time for some good food, rides and entertainment!! This will be your third missed Fair and I wish every year that you were here to enjoy to it. This year Big Sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee and her pageant is tomorrow and Wednesday night. She's been preparing but not as well as I would like for her too!! I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope she pulls it off. The parade will be tomorrow afternoon and then we'll straight to the fair grounds.

But October is also Breast Cancer Awareness and Domestic Violence Month and it makes me sad that there is no mention of October 15th!!! What about all the babies that are lost everyday? Don't they matter!!! I guess they only matter to the people that miss them the most, their families!!! I wish I could change that. I wish I knew that there was a way to spread the word out!! I put it out there on FACEBOOK, but it only reaches so many people.

ANOTHER MONTH, ANOTHER DAY

To my angel in heaven...........today you are 33 months old. You are loved and missed very much!!! Stay close my little Cylas!!!!!!

I SAID GOODBYE 32 MONTHS AGO

CYLAS WE LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!

WHAT I WISH I COULD DO?

Cylas there are many times I sit at work and look at your pictures and wish that I could reach out and pick you up. If that could happen I would hold you and cuddle you all day long. All those smells that I miss would be refreshed in my mind and in my nose. My arms would be reminded of how much I miss holding you and loving you. I would spend my day rubbing your head and looking into those amazing dark eyes. And I would talk to you about everything. I would fill you in on what you've missed and I would just cherish every moment with you.

And it hurts my heart to know that this is only another wish that will never come true. The last couple of days have been hard on me emotionally and I don't know why. I guess it's time for my ride on the emotional roller coaster. I've been avoiding it for awhile and sometimes it just catches you off guard. Tomorrow will be 32 months since I had to say goodbye to you and I've really been thinking about you so much.

All I want is to hold you again and tell you that I love you very much!! Prairie is getting so big. She keeps telling that she's "almost" as tall as I am but she's not even close. She's so lovable and fun to be around. And Boss is getting big too!!! She's talking more now and is developing such an attitude. I think she's gonna be a handful!! I know that you would have been a good brother. And you are missed in all the action! I always mention that you would probably be wrestling with Prairie and pestering Boss. I miss that and I miss you!!!

Love,
Mom

MISSING YOU

I wanted to let you know that I spent part of my day thinking about you! I don't know why and I can't explain it. But I keep thinking about what you would be like if you were here. I can just see us wrestling and playing some rough little boy football right about now. I would be chasing you around and having tons of fun with my little boy!

I miss you so much!! I miss the sweet smell of your hair after a bath and those chubby cheeks! I miss holding you in my arms! And I miss being your mother. I didn't get much time with you but I know that I could have a good mommy to you if only I was given a chance! I want to hear the words "I love you, mom" in a rough but playful little boy voice. Or even hear you shout "mommy" when I come to pick you up from school, like Boss does! I miss tripping over trucks and cars in the hallway of our house! I miss all the things that most mom's complain about!! I would love to experience everything a little boy could possibly get into!

Cylas, I love and miss you so much! I wish everyday that you were here with me!

ANGEL BRACELET

On Saturday I received my Angel Bracelet. And I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPECIAL DAY

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO A SPECIAL LITTLE ANGEL, OLIVE LUCY!!! You are loved and missed by so many friends and your family!!!!!! I hope you have an AWESOME birthday in heaven with all of your angel buddies!!!!!

32 MONTHS OLD

Cylas, baby today you are 32 months old! Its so hard to believe that in a few months you'll be 3 years old! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and I love you very much!!

WHAT I'M MISSING

I had a housewarming shower yesterday and my cousin brought my aunt. Her name is Julie and she has two kids. One of those kids is two months older than you! It was very hard to see her little boy running around and not think "that could be Cylas." All I yearn for is to have my family complete again and it breaks my heart to know that will never happen. Junior is potty trained and very active. He's talking and clearly loves his momma! And of course he fights with his older sister. He does all the stuff I would love to see but never will. But on the up side I did get an idea of what you would be doing if you had lived.

It was nice to see Junior but it also cut like a knife! I know you and him would have probably tore up the place because that's what boys do, right! I know that I will have these little reminders for the rest of my life I just hope they stop hurting as much! I still miss you so much and I still wish upon a star for your return! I'm a mom aho wants to hold her child again! I want to hold your hand until you fall asleep at night and I want to trip over all your boy toys! I think there's a reason why I don't go around my cousin that much and her son is the reason why. Its just too hard!

Cylas, I love you very much!! I wish you were here!!

MOM

31 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

I am feeling bad this morning. And I hate to say it, but the 15th past and I didn't even realize what the date was until this morning. You have been gone for 31 months and it's already starting; I am already overlooking your special days, days that shouldn't be forgotten. I would like to say that I've just been busy but that isn't a good excuse. I honestly don't pay much attention to the dates anymore. And then of course with J in my life and dealing with all that drama I'd pretty much rather go back into my fox hole and stay there for a month or so!!!!

Cylas I'm sorry about forgetting what yesterday was. Please know that you are forever in my heart!!!! And I do love you! You are my son and I miss you everyday!!!! I hate what my life has become as of late. I'm happy one day and then the next I'm not!

YOUR SISTERS ARE SILLY

Here they are at their very best!!! What do you think?

31 MONTHS OLD

You don't turn this old until tomorrow but as usual I only have a computer at work so I have to use it while I got it. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. And that I miss you just as much now as I did a week after you went to heaven. I still wish everyday that you could come back and spend just ONE more day with me. I would love to see your chubby cheeks again. I would also love to run my fingers through that thick hair of yours. And give you all the kisses that I have!!!!!!! But I know that this is the only wish that will not come true. I have the rest of my life, while yours has already ended. Your already in Heaven and that gives me something to look forward too! It's a bittersweet feeling but all I can do is honor your memory and make sure your not forgotten.

CYLAS, MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!

BEEN FEELING GUILTY

Cylas, lately I've been feeling guilty about everything imaginable. I feel guilty about you and not going to see you as much as I would like. I feel guilty about the girls, I feel like I'm not being the mom that they need me to be. And of course I'm feeling guilty about my relationship with J. I keep thinking I'm not good enough for him and I am so scared that I will do or say something that will totally mess it up. I feel like I've totally failed you in so many ways. If I would have fought harder for better treatment when you were sick I keep thinking that maybe you would still be here. I thought that after a while the guilt would go away but it hasn't. I just end up feeling guilty about everything else as well.

I want to be the best mom I can be to your sisters but there are times I have to step back and take a deep breath!!! I think for the most part I wish that I had more help with them. I hate being a single parent. I wish that I wasn't alone in the parenting section of my life. My EX doesn't offer much assistance, half the time I have to beg him to keep Prairie or plan something three weeks in advance, which totally sucks. And then Boss, she's all mine. I am her mom and her dad. It's so stressful at times. But I am also thankful that I have made it this fair by myself. It's made me stronger and I've learned that I can do stuff on my own. I love your sisters so much. I really hope that they know that.

And now J is in the picture. He doesn't have children and he's never been married so of course this is all new to him. He's scared to even hug my girls because he's afraid they'll break or something. And I don't expect him to come into our life and pick up right where my EX left off. That's not his job. He's been wonderful. We've hit a few bumps in the road but after a while they manage to go away. We've been together for two months and we have a date night (that sometimes includes Prairie). But I think it's good that he accepts me and that he accepts my kids. His parents on the other hand are another story completely. They're not exactly my biggest fans at the moment. But I'm not dating them, or the world, I am dating J and that's all that matters.

Cylas, will this guilt ever go away or will I have to live with it the rest of my life? I just can't seem to convince myself that I am a good person, a good mom, and that everything will work out. I am constantly worrying about the health and safety of the girls. Losing you has really made me more aware of things that can happen. I hope that all of this will pass..

30 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

30 months, really!!!! It feels like I said goodbye to you only yesterday. It doesn't seem like our goodbyes are already that far away. Soon you will be 3 years old and even that's unbelievable! All I can do is imagine how you would have been. I've missed out on so much; sometimes it's very hard to comprehend and then there are times I have to laugh because I know that I would be a very busy Momma!! But to be honest I'd rather be a busy Momma then what I've become over the last 30 months. I've become someone that I don't even recognize. It's amazing how much grief and the loss of someone you love so dearly can change your whole life. I have tried my hardest to make life normal not only for myself but for your sisters too! That's a task that's easier said than done.

No matter how normal it gets, you are still missing from everything we do. You are not here for the holidays or the birthdays. It still stings when I think about all that we could be doing right now. I wanted to play with toy trucks and back hoes. I wanted to teach you how to kick and catch a football. I wanted to see you grow and play with your sisters. Your sisters keep me busy but I am still missing you everyday. I want you here with me. Will the "want" ever go away? Will I ever adjust to this new "normal"?

CYLAS, I LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY. PLEASE STAY CLOSE. WATCH OVER YOUR SISTERS AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!!!!

MOMMY

OUR HOUSE

The process of moving in has been very long. Everything is ready to except for the girls' room. I still need to set up the entertainment in there. Your Big Sis wants her TV operational before we stay our first night in the house so that's about the last thing that needs to be done. I have a few pictures to post. I don't have a picture of the living room or the extra bedroom though. Right now the extra room is being used as the "contruction" site. And I'm still trying to figure out how I want my Living room set up. And also since the pictures were taken my bed has been put together I just haven't had time to take another picture.

The pictures are: my kitchen, my TV in my room, my bed, the kitchen table, and my washer & dryer.

I hope to post more pictures soon. J is going to get Satellite for the house so that's something that hasn't happened yet but we're both working on this. He wants to make sure the girls have cartoon channels, too!!!

" I WILL CARRY YOU"

Ok, so I just bought the book written by Angie Smith. It's telling the story of her precious daughter Audrey Caroline. I'm only to chapter 4 and with two very active little girls it will probably take me a while before I finish it. I've read her blog and have been keeping up with her and her family for the last year and a half. They have now welcomed a new daughter into their lives. I like the way Angie tells her story. She doesn't hold anything back and uses scripture from the bible throughout the book. She and her husband believe with all their hearts that there was a reason for Audrey Caroline and that there was a reason why they were chosen to be her parents. What I like about this family is that they never gave up hope and the wonder of prayer. They never stopped praying for a miracle. I love their values.

I think so far the most heartbreaking part of the book was having to tell their young daughters that their sister would probably go straight to Jesus. That part really tugged at my heart because I too had to tell my own daughter that her brother was in heaven. They were lost and didn't know how to break the news to them. They did something I didn't do, they depended on the Lord to give them the strength they needed to make it through that conversation. I was so angry and hurt during my little talk that I didn't even consider letting the Lord give me the right words I needed to use on her very young, sentitive heart. Having to tell my daughter that her brother wasn't coming home was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Looking back there are so many things that could have been done differently. But I think I did pretty good. She was able to understand what I was saying and she knows that if she ever starts missing him too bad all she has to do is close her eyes and talk to him just like he were right in front of her.

I'm not saying that I have the best relationship with the Lord but I have been trying very hard to live by faith and pray about situations in my life. I do that now, but I wish I did that when Cylas was so sick. I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference or not but I think it would have made a huge difference on MY heart. Cylas has been in heaven for 29 months and in those 29 months I've some good days and I've had some down right awful days. There have been times all I do is cry and then there are times that everything seems to be alright. I don't visit his grave like I used to and I no longer feel guilty for not going there. Am I a bad mother? No, not necessarily. It just means that I'm healing. Do I still miss him? Yes, I do. I miss him more and more everyday but I don't always mention it to anyone. Will I ever forget him? No, I have vowed not to forget my son. I can still close my eyes and I see his precious face just like it was yesterday. The only thing I can't do is reach out and touch him. If that were the case then I would probably grab him and never let go. I keep thinking about how old he will be or would have been. It continues to blow my mind with how much time has passed.

Today is one of those days. It's a day for Cylas to be on my mind. I have subtle hints of tears in my eyes but nothing flows but they are there ready to go should I decide I need to cry. So as I am trying to read this wonderful book, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Cylas. It has me going back over every little detail of my pregnancy. I am thankful that this lady was willing to share her story with so many people. Before I lost Cylas I had one of those stupid brains that never knew how it felt to lose a child. I never knew the kind of pain that I know now. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Like when I say I don't like Cylas being in the dark at the graveyard and he needs some lights. Some people look at me like I'm crazy and then some look at me with a little bit of understanding and I would so take that look over any other look I could get.

Cylas' story is special but only to me and a few select friends that I have made over the last 29 months. I have great friends who totally understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. And I am thankful to those friends. They don't know how much of a life saver they have been to me. I have my family but some of them have forgotten that precious little boy who stole my heart. They forget why its so hard for me to smile from time to time. They forget why I need some alone time.

30 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday was the day you turned 30 months old. I still remember the day you were born. I still remember the smell of your hair after a bath. I still remember how soft your little feet were. I still remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. Even though your not here, those memories still remain fresh in my mind. Those are the things that I never want to forget. And even though it breaks my heart I still remember the day you died. That is the one memory I wish I didn't have.

Cylas you are still loved and missed by your momma. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't wish you were still here. I miss you so much. I admit those sad days are a few and far between but it's the unknown that still gets me. I never know when the waves of sorrow will hit and when they do they shatter my world all over again.

Life here has been moving forward. Your sisters are growing and learning every day. I am moving forward in my life. I have someone new in my life who has managed to make me smile again, the one thing that I never thought would happen. He loves me and likes your sisters. It's still fresh and new but I am happy. I know that there will always be that empty spot in my life, it's the spot that should have been filled with little boy love. The love that only a boy can give his momma. That spot will always be yours.

Cylas, little man, Momma loves you so very much. I hope that you feel that love every day and night while your sitting on that soft fluffy cloud watching over me and your sisters.

ANGELVARSARY (29 MONTHS)

Yesterday was a good day. Considering everything. I had a birthday but I also share that special day with an Angelvarsary. The last two years my birthday has been miserable. I didn't want to celebrate it all. If everyone forgot about my birthday then that was fine with me but yesterday my friends and family remembered it and J went out of his way to make it special for me. It was the best birthday I've had in a long time.

But on the inside and always on my mind was you. I'm reminded of my loss every single day. I know what I'm missing. With each birthday that passes I will always know that I share my day with an angelvarsary. Each year has my age changes I also know that the amount of time you've been gone gets higher and higher. You are missed every day. You are loved and still wanted!!

But I know that you were sitting on your special cloud sending me hugs and kisses on my birthday. I don't like the fact that your gone, but it's become a way of life. I may not like it but I have to deal with it. But I carry you in my heart always and I love you very much!!!!!

MOVING IN

I know that I have been doing an awful job at keeping you  update on stuff. Right now it's just so hectic!! I can't wait for it to slow down. On a positive note, I am slowly moving stuff into the new house. My furniture and the washer and dryer will be delivered tomorrow morning and my friend Sassy is giving me two beds; one for Big Sis-Sis and a toddler bed for Boss. I've still got to go purchase the TV's and my bed but that might happen over the weekend.

Sis-Sis (This is what Teela calls Prairie) and Boss have had some fun running around in the new house. How I wish that you were there to do that too!! I wish you could join in on our excitement! I wish I was decorating a little boys room right about now. Oh there are numerous things that I wish you and I could do. I want to toss a football with you and see you and play!! I miss you so much. I often wonder if anyone else still thinks about you or not.

Hopefully, I'll be able to take some pictures of a furnished house soon!

Love,
Mom

POP'S BIRTHDAY

And if you get a chance, stop by and visit Pop. Today is his birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to my dad and your Pop, Leroy!!!!!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I'm not sure how long it's been since I've last posted anything here. But it feels like forever!!! I have a few things to report. I am now officially in a relationship with J. It's happened a little sooner than I wanted it to but I am going with the flow of things. He makes me really happy and he likes your sisters and that's all I could ask for. He's even asked about you a couple times.  It's going really well.

And on the house front, I am hoping to get a move in date next week. I would really like to be in my new house before July! I am so anxious. I am so ready for my own place. I am waiting to hear back from Mr. Townsend to see when my final walk through will be. And then after that everything should start taking off.

Your big sister is officially a first grader. She's finished up her first year of big school and I am so proud of her!! She's getting so tall, too! It seems like she's sprouting up there like a weed. She acts so grown up it's not even funny. I would have loved to see you two together.

Teela is getting big too!! She's starting to use more words and climbs around like a monkey!! I am pretty sure both of you would have had fun messing with your Big Sis!!!

Cylas, I've come to realize that I am always going to miss you. No amount of time will ever pass that I'll completely forget you and I wouldn't want to. You are and always will be my little boy!!

I love you so much!!!
Mommy

29 MONTHS OLD

Cylas,

I just wanted to let you know that I am missing you today. Today you are 29 months old!! I wish you were here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish you could come back and be in my arms. I love you more and more everyday!!!

HAPPY 29 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

LOVE,
Mommy

THINKING ABOUT YOU

Today I am thinking about you! You have been gone for so long but yet my heart still aches for you. I love you Cylas!! I miss you!

LOVE,
Mommy

28 MONTHS AGO OUR GOODBYES WERE SPOKEN

I wish that number would get lower instead of higher. I've been having some awesome days but then this day, it seems to sneak up on me. It's not actually until tomorrow, but sometimes I can't always post from my blackberry. I was awake until 3 am this morning thinking about you and feeling bad all over again about things that I couldn't do for you. It really SUCKS this world of mine. I mean I am trying to move forward and be happy and I have been happy thanks to J and whatever it is that we have going on right now, but then I get knocked back into reality and realize that no matter how happy I might be, I will never be fully happy ever again. In a perfect world you would be here, growing up and running around chasing your sisters. And I know that it's never gonna happen. Were missing out on your life and your missing out on ours.

I can't believe it's been 28 months already though. All those awful memories are still so fresh in my head. You are a handsome little boy and if I had known that I wasn't getting a whole lot of time with you, you would have been in my bed and in my arms those two weeks you were actually at home. I would have spent every moment with you, I mean I did that, but I would have tried harder to let you know that Momma loves you. I think my biggest fear is that you didn't know how much I truly love you. I felt so guilty over so many things and I didn't get a chance to make that guilt go away. Now I have even more guilt and pain that I am dealing with and trying to make the best of it.

In my heart, I know you are happy and healthy in heaven. I know that I have nothing to worry about. You are probably an expert at flying by now and I am pretty sure you still play with all your angel friends. And I know that you are very helpful to those new angels that have arrived, you know showing them the ropes and making them feel at home. I know that I have my very own angel in heaven and I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and just squeeze you so tight you'll be squirming to get loose. I definitely can't wait to run my fingers through that hair of yours and pinch those chubby, chubby cheeks. You know I don't think I'll ever understand why I must go through the rest of my life without you but I will spend every minute carrying you in my heart and making sure your not forgotten!!

Mommy wants you to know that I love you very much!!!!! I miss you more than anyone knows!!

MOTHER'S DAY

Mother's Day doesn't hold much meaning to me. I mean, yeah, I have two beautiful little girls here with me but I am still missing a handsome son that I long to hold in my arms. None of the holidays are special because someone is always missing from my day. This poem was posted on BBC and I wanted to share it here. I hope that is ok.

I am writing to you from Heaven

And though it must appear
A rather strange idea
I see everything from here.


I just popped in to visit
Your shops to find a card
A card of love for my Mum
As this day for her is hard.


There must be some mistake I thought
Every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card
From a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a Mother too
No matter where I reside
I had to leave she understands
But oh the tears she cried.


I thought that if I wrote to you
That you would come to know
That though I live in Heaven now
I still love my Mummy so.


She talks with me and dreams with me
We still share laughter too
Prayers are our way of speaking now
Would you see what you can do?

My Mum carries me in her heart
Her tears she hides from sight
She thinks of me and misses me
Sometimes far into the night.


She plants flowers in her garden
There my memory dwells
She helps other grieving parents
Trying to ease their pain as well.


So you see Mr. Hallmark
Though I no longer live on earth
I must try to find a way
To remind her of her worth.


She needs to be honoured
And remembered too
Just like children on earth
For their Mums today do.


Thank you Mr. Hallmark
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do
To you I’ll leave the rest.


Find a way to tell her
How much she means to me
Until I can do it myself
When we’re joined in Eternity


(Author and title unknown)

MY RANT

I can't believe the nerve of my EX and your sperm donor, Cylas. I'm finally ready to try and start dating again and he finds a way to make me feel so angry and mad all over again. I have a Facebook account, and he recently set one up for himself, too. Well I guess yesterday he found mine and seen where I was talking about J and how much I like him and everything. So he texts me and says "what's up?" And I'm like what to do you mean? And he said oh I just seen your FB account. I told him that I loved FB! I thought that would be the end of the conversation, but I was wrong.

Then he said I see you have a new beau and I said no not yet, but I'm working on it. And he said oh, well I have to admit I was a little jealous, but I am happy for you. I'm like WHAT!!! I was livid. After everything that has happened in the last three years he has no right to be jealous over anything or anyone. He lost that right when he walked away from our marriage and decided to end it. He denied you and said you were not his son. I was upset and mad the rest of the evening. I even had a conversation with J but couldn't enjoy it because I kept thinking about the EX!!! He's so ridiculous. He has a new wife, he made his choice and I guess now he has to live with it.

And that's not even the topper to this whole drama. He's been asking me if he can come see the house. He said that Prairie "told" him she wanted him to see her new room. I've come thisclose to agreeing on that happening, you know to keep her happy, but then I find out she hasn't even said anything about him coming to see her room at all. He's using her to get to me and I almost let it happen. I should have known better. I feel like an idiot right now.

Go figure, as soon as I'm ready to open up to someone new, and a GOOD someone, my EX decides to add his two cents. J makes me smile, I just think about him and I smile. That's something that hasn't happened in a long time. We've had our first conversation on the phone and talked about everything. I told him about you, and of course he already knows about Prairie and Boss, but I know he was just making sure I didn't have like ten more kids hiding somewhere, HA! He likes Vampires, which I think is AWESOME! He works, and no one has to make him work, I had to threaten the EX in order to get him to keep a job! J is just better. And I've been praying so hard about this. I don't want my heart to lead the way, which is what happened the last time, I want God to have a hand in this. If J and I are meant to be then I guess we'll know soon enough. I am pretty sure you can see a little difference in me. And you are more than welcome to nudge J's thoughts my way, if you want to!

My EX is realizing what he's missing. He sees all the blessings I've received. I'm blessed to have three wonderful children and soon I'll be blessed with my very own house. I recently got a different vehicle, not new but it's new to me. I truly feel blessed. I don't what else to say. Things are moving along with J and I feel like I'm finally in a happy place. I don't need anyone trying to ruin that. I can honestly say that I am really jazzed about J and can't wait to hear from him. I hope I get to see him tonight. I've been trying to get him to the movies, but he's always working. He's such a hard worker!! So different from the EX!

THE TWINS

Cylas, my heart is breaking right now. I just talked to my cousin Linda. She lost her son last June to an overdose. He left behind twin boys. Their names are Andrae and Bryan and they will be turning 4 in September. They are so young to already be without a daddy. I wish that he had made better decisions than he did, but I guess it was in God's plans.

These two little boys miss their dad so much. They don't understand why he's not coming back and when they get mad at their mom or Mamaw they tell them to call their dad to come get them. Andrae was staying with his Mamaw the other day and he told her he wanted the angels to come and take him away so he could be with his daddy. She talked to him and told him that it may be a while before angels come for him. She told him that he may be 50 years old before the angels need him in Heaven. She said but until then you need to stay here and when it's time for you to go then the angels will come get you and take you right to your daddy. As she was telling me this tears streamed down my cheeks. I hate to see or even hear of kids being in so much pain. Because there's really nothing that can you say to make them feel better.

Unfortunately, those boys don't get that at home with their mom and her boyfriend. If the boys bring up their dad they change the subject. I can't say for sure if this is healthy or not. I know that after losing you, I wanted to completely shut down and not talk to anyone, but your sister was the one who kept asking questions. She wanted to know what happened and she wanted to know why you were not coming home. She had these exact same questions and even though they were hard to answer I did the best that I could and I continue to do that today. If she wants to talk about you, then we talk about you. And if we end up crying, then that's alright too! I think that the boy's mom should take some time to talk to them or find someone who will talk to them. Little kids need an outlet too! If they feel like they don't have one then their behavior could change.

Their Mamaw also keeps pictures of her son up all over her house. She told the boys that by having those pictures it allows their dad the oppurtunity to see them. And that's very good to. I know many times I sit in my room and talk to your picture. I trace over your features and fall in love all over again with my handsome little boy! I think the Mamaw is doing a very good job with helping these little boys. But she needs some help. I can only pray and ask God to send them some comfort. I don't get to see these boys but that doesn't mean that I don't love them or care about them.

Cylas, I know that I ask you to do many things from your little cloud in heaven, but you can drop all that and visit these little boys, your cousins. Let them know that their daddy is always around even if they see him. I know Andrew and he wouldn't want his boys hurting so much. Give them some peace and let them know that their going to be ok. You are a good angel and you've helped momma and your sister so much. I love you with all my heart!!!!!

Mom

JUST LETTIN' YOU KNOW

Cylas,

I think momma is falling in love again, I guess that's what you could call it, but who knows. It's a surprising feeling, one that I thought I would never feel again, but on the other hand it's very terrifying. No worries though, it's still in the early stages, it's almost like a new car, you know you have to get a feel of the car before you know if you like it or not. I'm attracted to him, I mean he got my attention from the get go but things are moving slowly right now. I've only had a couple conversations wtih him and then there are the occasional "hello's" and smiles that we share. We are still getting to know each other.

I think I can honestly say I am scared to death. I thought I didn't want another relationship. I thought that I had convinced myself that I was better off alone, well you know, just me and the girls. I definitely don't want to get hurt again. I have days that I want this to work and then I have days when I have a lot of doubt about the whole thing. I plan on taking it day by day.

This guy goes to Nan's church, he's really nice, he's 36 and has a steady job. Actually he's an electrician and I plan on getting him to help me when I get in the house. He's offered to hook up my security lights that are on the corner's of the house and to check my outlets to make sure they work and are hooked up. I don't know if he know's I like him but right now I'm just keeping this to myself. Your cousin Earl is anxious for something to happen. He said that he knows J is better than the Ex, which is the truth, for now.

So for now I can't say where this will lead. And I'm kind of glad it is moving slowly because there are a few goals I want to reach before I bring a man into my crazy life. I want to have a home and I want you and the girls to have a home. That's been the biggest obstacle thus far and it's getting so close to happening. I also need to learn more about J. I want to make sure he's not crazy and I want to make sure he likes kids. That's another big worry that I have. I keep thinking about that question and running it over and over through my mind. I keep thinking about the numerous things he could say or the things he couldn't or wouldn't say. I am worried that the girls might actually scare him off. And I guess that's why I remain unsure about this.

I don't know why I came here and wrote to you about it. I guess I kind of figured you might know something I don't know. I would like to ask you to help me out, send me some kind of sign that would resemble a yay or a nay!! Does that sound crazy???

Mom

OH YEAH

On DWTS this week (week 6) Jake got kicked off!!

HEY

Well Cylas, your sisters had a good time at the Zoo. Your nana decided to go with us at the last minute so Boss was able to go to the Zoo too!! Boss fell in love with the Monkeys and both of them seemed to really like watching the Otters swim around. I like monkeys to, I think they are so cute!!!

We had one of Iwodi's friends wtih us. Her name is Quana. She was with us the whole time and towards the end she done something to her ankle and ended up spraining it pretty bad. But I think she'll be fine. Overall we had a great time. I am going to add some pictures of Quana and Iwodi on a Camel and then a pictured of a gorilla we seen.

Of course you probably seen everything we did from your cloud in heaven but I still wanted to share them.

TRIP

Cylas,

Your Big Sister and I will be going to the Knoxville Zoo. Boss will go to school and Nan and Pop will pick her up. I know that sounds bad, but I think Iwodi and I could some mother/daughter time. She always likes it when it's just me and her. I guess because she has my attention and knows that no one will interfere with that attention. However, you are more than welcome to enjoy this trip with us. I know that Iwodi will talk about you and how much you would have enjoyed this trip, so I ask that you be with us. We carry you in our hearts always! I know that we will make the best out of this trip no matter what.

Thinking about you today! I miss you so much.

Mom

THE PIC SAYS IT ALL

Cylas,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today.

28 MONTHS OLD.......TOMORROW

Cylas,

I know that I've been using your blog to post about other things. Here lately I haven't had anything to say. I send you messages everyday, letting you know that I haven't forgotten my special little boy. My thoughts are always of you, wondering and thinking about what might have been. Sometimes I feel like you've slipped too far away from my mind and I feel sad because I don't dream about you. When I do dream about you, which I've only done once, I wake up freaked out rather than relieved. In a dream I had a few months ago you were alive and you could talk. It was as if no time had passed in my life but you had changed, you were no longer a baby and you understood what was going on around you. I think you even told me that you were ok and that I didn't need worry because everything was going to be ok. Son, I know you are trying to ease my sorrow but I'd much rather have you here with me and your sisters.

I can't believe you are going to be 28 months old. I can't believe how much time I've missed. I see other little boys your age and automatically feel that sting in my heart. I can't even bring myself to shop for little boy toys or clothes. My friends little boy had a birthday and I couldn't even look at anything. I ended up getting him a gift card. I've noticed there are some things that are too difficult for me to do. I still don't act right around baby boys, I tend to keep my distance and only comment when "expected" to. I also still want a little boy and I really hope that you understand that I am in no way hoping to replace you. You will always be my Cylas! You will always and forever be my little boy. I've said it many times, when you made your trip to heaven a part of my heart was taken with you and that part is yours and yours alone. And I love the girls, I love each you with all my heart but the momma in me wants a boy. But that want might not ever happen because I don't plan on having more kids. I guess I'm hoping I get lucky and someone will give me their boy. It's a nice thought.

I've been very slack with the visiting but I've been going and going. Sometimes I feel like the energizer bunny, I feel like I never stop to smell the roses. I'm starting to get excited about moving into our house, FINALLY. I'm registered at Walmart and I'll probably register at a few other places too! I've got the funds to buy what's needed for a house, just haven't been looking. I've done price checks on TV's and beds but that's about it. I've been going on school trips with your Big Sis and I've been chasing the little one around, she goes and goes too! I am so tired at the end of the day it's not even funny. I'm also trying to get another vehicle. So as you can see I have alot on my plate. I am also trying to participate in a Fundraising Committee at your sister's school and I will be going on another school trip to the Knoxville Zoo next Thursday. I'm busy, busy. But once it slows down a little I will visit more often. I carry you in my heart 24-7 so just know that I have not forgotten you.

HAPPY 28 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

Momma loves you & your sisters love you!!!

DWTS week 5

I am blogging with a heavy heart! Kate was eliminated tonight! But I am very proud of her and I totally supported her! I think single mom's need to do whatever they have to no matter what anyone says!

Kate I hated to see you go!

ELIMINATION WEEK 4

This post may be a little late, but to be completely honest with you. I missed the elimination show this week. I chose to go watch "Why Did I Get Married Too?" while I was TN. But I have caught myself up by reading PEOPLE magazine onine and found out who got eliminated. One of my male picks was sent home. BYE BYE Aiden!!

It makes me feel better knowing that Kate is still on there. I can't wait for next week's show.

27 MONTHS

It's been 27 months since I've said Goodbye to a gorgeous little boy who stole my heart the moment I looked into his eyes.

DWTS Week 4

Well I only watched half of the program last night. I missed the other half because I had to go out for a little ride. The older I get the more I become a night owl!!

But from what I read about last night's performance's it looks like Kate has improved but she didn't move from the bottom in the scoring. I was on my cell phone last night riding through Cherokee voting for Kate. I didn't vote for anyone else.

I was able to see Evan, Erin, and Niecy dance before I left and they did pretty good. The judges are being very knit picky this year. Or they could always be like that but it just seems like they are alot harder on these celebraties than previous contestants.

I won't be able to post about the elimination show, not sure if I'll get to watch it or not. I'm going out of town for the night and bound for Dollywood in the morning. But I will try my best to update when I return on Thursday.

I wish we could receive a "Spring Break" like the school children do.

Cylas, I'm thinking about you today. I want to ask that you be with your sisters. Prairie hurt her arm over the weekend and Teela is trying to get sick. Please ask God to help them get better ok. I love you and miss so much!!!!!

TREES, TREES, AND TREES

Remember when I said they were going to start clearing 40 ft. of trees for my powerlines. Well they started yesterday and the pictures above are only the beginning. It looks like beavers have taken over my land. It looks awful. And I think the company only cuts them down, they don't do any kind of clean up or nothing.

I think I'm going to need some man power after this job is complete. What do you think?

CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CYLAS

Last night was a diffucult night, why? I don't know. Prairie wanted to talk about Cylas. It might not have been the best decision but we talked about day and/or evening he died, depending on how to look at it. She missed that and for good reason. During the most devastating time of my families life Prairie was at our cousins house. She was unaware of the events that were unfolding. But I knew that would be the best place for her.

I told her about how much his appearance had changed since the last time she had seen him. He was all swollen, his arms up over his head because he wasn't able to lay them at his side, and just the way he was breathing I knew that would have been hard for her to see. She understands why I didn't want her to be there and now says that she didn't want to see him die. Of course, I didn't tell her all the details but just enough to help her understand.

I told her how hard it was for me to "wait" for him to die and that I only wanted to save him. And then once he did pass away, I told her about how badly I wanted him back and I still want him back. When the doctor called his time of death I was right there holding his little hand and running my fingers through his thick black hair with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't scream or wail out but I knew that I had lost him. I think the robot mode started almost immediately. It didn't get bad until I got home and realized my baby wasn't with me. His pictures from the hospital were laying on the table waiting to be opened, so I opened them. His crib was empty and cold. My mom asked me if I was going to be able to sleep and I simply said I don't know. I had a very long night. I was listening for him to breath and even waiting for him to wake up for that early morning feeding............but all I heard was nothing but silence.........dead silence.

We talked about when she came from our cousin's house and how I told her that her brother went to heaven. She broke my heart all over again because she didnt' want to believe it. She thought I was going back to the hospital to pick him up just like I had 2 weeks before. We sat in our bedroom and cried. Then I gave her Stripes and told her about his "special powers". Needless to say, Stripes slept in her arms last night as she cried herself to sleep. I feel so bad for her. She misses her brother alot more than I realize. But she tries her best to keep going too!

I asked Cylas to be with her and help her through out the day. She sent him messages through Stripes and I know that he was sitting on his special cloud just waiting to receive them. So instead of bedtime stories at our house, we have conversations about Cylas. She talks about some of the same things I talk about you know what she misses about him. Apparently, she really loved those chubby cheeks. Those cheeks are everyone's favorite.

Cylas, you are missed everyday and the only assurance we have is that you'll live on forever in our hearts and we'll see you again one day. And on another note, your sister told me last night that if she ever has a son his name will be Cylas, in honor of her awesome, brave brother who now sleeps in an Angel's arms.

Mom