Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

November 30, 2009

MY THANKSGIVING IN HEAVEN

Mom,

My Thanksgiving in Heaven was great. All my angel friends and I had fun flying around watching our families have a good day. We seen some pretty funny things happen and there were also some sad moments we observed. We realized that even after all this time we are STILL missed so much. It just so happened that my favorite cloud floated over Nan and Pop's house for most of the day. I heard Nana say she missed me. I also heard my big sister tell you she missed me and wished that I could be there. You know there aren't supposed to be tears in heaven but Mom I miss you too!! I don't know how you manage to make it through your day. I see your pain and every part of me wants to fly right into your arms. But Heaven is so much better than earth and I am so torn. But I am always looking in to see what's going on. I want to make sure everyone is doing alright. There are times I love what I see and then there are times I wish I didn't take a look.

Mom, I know that you miss me. But I want you to know that I am fine. I love being here in Heaven. I have so many new angel friends and new ones arrive almost daily. I spend my time taking flying lessons, I do pretty good, but I'm not an expert yet. I also help those new angels navigate through Heaven's golden streets. I help them find the cloud that over looks their family. It can be an easy transition, but there are times it's harder for them to understand why they were taken so early.

With each thought you have of me, it finds its way up to me and I can feel the love you have for me in your heart. And I know that you will never forget me. I know you spend your time worrying about doing enough to make sure no one else forgets me too. Thanks mom!! I think my friends are planning a huge 2nd birthday party for me but they are keeping it on the down low, or at least they think they are. I'll be around watching you, Teela, and Prairie!! Sending my love from up above. Please tell Prairie that I love and miss her too! Teela is such a special addition to the family. Mom, please don't hold back your love for her. There is enough room in your heart for all of us.

Mom, I love you!!!

November 25, 2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

To my readers & Cylas: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I wanted to take this time to send out thanksgiving wishes. I hope that you and your families have a wonderful & safe Thanksgiving.

Cylas, have a great Thanksgiving in Heaven. Wish that you could be here, but I know that you are watching over each of us from your favorite fluffy cloud. Sending you my love!!!!!!

November 24, 2009

WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR

I am thankful for my girls. For Prairie, without her, I probably would have fallen into the deep dark Pit after Cylas died. She kept me from falling. For Teela, she taught me that I can love another baby and still love the precious little boy I lost. She showed me how to open my heart again.

I am thankful for my family. They are great. I've never had any of them tell me to "get over it". They "try" to understand what I've gone through, even though I know they never will. But they don't try to change me.

I am thankful for the time I had with Cylas. Even though somtimes my selfishness takes over. I am very thankful I was able to hold him in my arms, run my fingers through that thick black hair, look into those dreamy eyes, and most importantly tell him how much I LOVED him. Cylas I will love you the rest of my life.

I am thankful to God. I know that he and I have had a love/hate relationship since losing Cylas. I've asked WHY numerous times. But I am trying to work on that relationship.

**I would love to hear what everyone else is thankful for.**


Cylas' Mommy

23 MONTHS OLD

Cylas, today you are another month older. What else can I say? Aside from the usual I miss you and love you with all my heart. It's getting harder to concentrate on day to day activities. All I can think about is the fact that you'll be two years old next month. I'm already beginning to wonder if I'll do enough to celebrate such a big day. I've continually wished for you to come back, I wonder if I'll ever stop? Maybe, who knows.

But I do love and miss you.

HAPPY 23 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

November 18, 2009

CYLAS' ANGEL FRIEND


HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

NORAH!!

November 17, 2009

3 MORE PICS



These will probably be the last pics until they do more, like add a porch. I've got two more views of my house and one picture of where my well will be. They didn't work on it yesterday, but I'll be checking for more progress.

November 16, 2009

MORE PICS OF "MY" HOUSE











Man, that sounds good!! MY HOUSE!!! I've waited so long and it seems like in a flash it's here. It took 5 years but I am so relieved to finally have it here. SORRY there's not a better view of the whole house. It's pretty muddy up there and I'm not very big on getting muddy and all. And it looks like it's going to be raining the rest of this week, UGH!! But I drive up there everyday, you know, I don't want it to disappear or anything, HA!!
***Debbie: yes, I will post pictures of the inside as soon as I am able to go inside. I can't wait to see the inside either ;)***
Sarah T.

22 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

Yesterday was 22 months since I said goodbye to you. I've been doing really good and haven't been on the edge of the PIT for months, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in my usual BLAH mood but nothing severe. I'm dreading the next two months and I am praying I make it through.

I was able to visit your grave and I think I cried more than I talked. I hugged your headstone and just cried. I feel so bad. Your grave doesn't have any flowers on it. I've haven't any extra money to buy more since I cleaned it off two months ago. I told your sister we would try and buy something this weekend.

I love you more and more with each day that passes. And I miss you more and more with each minute that goes by.

Mommy

November 13, 2009

SURPRISE, SURPRISE





Right after I came off the mountain from taking pictures of the first half of my house, the other half was coming up the main road. So, I was able to get pics of them actually moving the house in. I was feeling kind of bad, because I missed everything earlier in the day but being able to watch the process was fun and exciting. Here are the pics of that.
According to my parents, they had a really rough time getting the first half up that road. But I think they did it alot faster yesterday evening. I guess because they had already did once that day anyway. I don't know when the house will be put on the foundation, I'll be on the look out for the crane.

November 12, 2009

IT'S HERE........





****Here are the pictures as promised. The top picture is a pic of the MESS! But who cares about the mess I am so happy its here, well at least half of it. HA!!****

I got a call from my mom and she said "half" of your house is sitting in the road right now!!! I am so excited!!!!! I am going to try and get pictures right after work. Oh Cylas, please help the movers have a safe day. Help them easily get our house up on that mountain.

SELFISHNESS

Boy, has that happened alot since T entered into our lives. First, it was my heart. I was so afraid to open it up to her but then I realized she needed me and that she deserved as much love as I could possibly give her. Then, it was your bottle. I saved one bottle that you used and I had every intention on keeping it put up. But then T came and she only had one bottle that I was having to re-wash. Poor thing she needed it and even though I felt immensely guilty for it, I let her use "your" bottle. And last night, as I was putting her into her crib, your blanket (we call it "Cylas blanket) was in her crib. I've always tried to only use her blankets in her crib. Without thinking, I put your blanket on her, and then broke down into tears. I kept thinking about how I should have been allowed to use it on you. And how unfair it was that she is the one using it. That was a selfish thought and I felt so bad afterward.

T is a part of our life now and I do love her, but with all that love, I am missing you more and more. I keep thinking about how you would have been if you were here. I have a feeling that you might have been as mean as a striped snake. You probably would be torturing your Big Sis. Please tell God to forgive me for my selfishness and let him know that I am THANKFULL for all that I have. I love P, T and You. I am thankful for the time I spent with you. But I am human and I think I am allowed to wonder what might have been.

I hope that T will forgive me for being that way. And I hope you can forgive me. I am learning to love here and far away and it hasn't been easy.

November 9, 2009

HOUSE UPDATE







Well my house still hasn't made it. And the waiting is killing me. I WANT MY HOUSE! However, on another note the tribal construction well crew is up there right now drilling my well site out. If I can I'll get pictures and post them tomorrow.

Cylas' Mom
(I posted two pics. Sorry it took so long. I didn't get a close up because it's really muddy up there on my land site.)

TOYS FOR TOTS

So, I am looking for ways to honor you this year. This is something I want to do until I die and I hope that your sisters continue once I'm gone. Last year I bought a gift and donated it to a local child here on reservation. This year I want to do something different. I want to donate to Toys for Tots and of course put it in honor of you, Cylas. I was looking at this link http://asheville-nc.toysfortots.org/local-coordinator-sites/lco-sites/default.asp and they make it easy to donate. So on top of having a small birthday party, a little child will receive a gift from our family on Christmas day. I can honestly say that the thought of a child getting a gift, that on a normal basis he/she wouldn't received, makes me smile.

However, I am not done. I am still looking for something else to do. As always I'm still looking and thinking about what to do for you on your 2nd Birthday. I want to make each birthday the best. Am I thinking too hard? I know that no party can compare to a birthday in heaven, but I'm a mom and I only want the best for you.
Love,
Mommy

November 6, 2009

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY


REESE JACLYN GOSLEE

"REESIE CUP"


Her birthday is not officially until Sunday, November 8th, but I am away from my "work" computer until Monday.

A WHOLE BUNCH OF NOTHING


I don't have a lot to write about. It's been pretty BLAH this week. However, I did hear that our cousin's cancer has spread into his brain and he has chosen not to do the radiation or chemo. It's hard hearing that kind of news but I try to stay positive until the very end. I've always been that way. I used to think of myself as a cry baby when it came to bad news but now I'm not so sure.

I'm not in the PIT so to say, I'm just without words, if you can believe that's possible!!!!! Sister and I have been talking to you and about you a lot lately. Cylas star is the first star out at night and each time we've looked up at it, a plane is flying by. So we think you are so lucky because you get to see that plane up close and personal. Sister also wishes that she could fly to the moon and talk to you just like the little girl in "Dancing on the Moon." She has taken that book to school and shared with her "English" class, actually she's been taking it every where.

I guess it's just that time again. Pretty soon the anxiety will be building and I won't be able to stand it. But I'm going to try to do a little better this year. T's birthday is a day before yours so I've got to do something for her's, but I'm still not sure what to do for your's. I plan on getting a cake again, and buying you some toys, and letting some balloons go (not sure if I'll do it at the house or at your grave). But I always start wondering if that's enough. I also plan to buy a toy for a boy your age and donating it again. That was something that Sister and I both worked on last year and it really seemed to help her.

And of course I am counting down the days to the release of NEW MOON!!!! November 20th can't come fast enough!!!!

I guess that's about it. I know that I'm rambling so I might as well quit while I'm ahead.

Love you so much,

Mom

November 4, 2009

LOOK AT BABY SISTER




Cylas,
Here is your Baby Sis in her Halloween Costume.

November 3, 2009

November 2, 2009

HALLOWEEN & RAIN


Sorry the pictures look this way. They were taken with my cell phone and I don't know what's wrong with it.

Unfortunately, it rained here Halloween. Your big Sister was able to go trick or treating with her dad but I didn't take the baby. She's just now getting over a cold and ear infections and I didn't want to take a chance. So I am very disappointed that she didn't get to go, but I guess it will be alright. I am also very disappointed in myself this time around. I usually decorate your grave for each occasion that comes around and I didn't get a chance to do it this time. It was either raining, or I didn't have any extra cash to spend. So you didn't get any Halloween decorations and I'm so sorry for that. My heart just aches when I can't do something special for you. But you were not forgotten!!! You were in my thoughts throughout this whole weekend. I closed my eyes and pictured you running around in your dinosaur costume, growling and chasing your big Sissy around. I get sad because I have to do that. It would be so much easier if you were here!!!

I have two pictures to post of your Big Sissy, but I haven't had a chance to put T in her caterpillar costume and get some pics but I will. Also, you have an angel friend who has a birthday coming up, it's actually tomorrow. It's Jack!! Please tell Jack that your mommy said "Happy Birthday!" Also, tell him to go by and visit his mommy, daddy and baby brother Marshal. They miss him so much!!!

One special occasion down, 5 other occasions to go. UUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

Love,
Mommy

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand