Cylas, lately I've been feeling guilty about everything imaginable. I feel guilty about you and not going to see you as much as I would like. I feel guilty about the girls, I feel like I'm not being the mom that they need me to be. And of course I'm feeling guilty about my relationship with J. I keep thinking I'm not good enough for him and I am so scared that I will do or say something that will totally mess it up. I feel like I've totally failed you in so many ways. If I would have fought harder for better treatment when you were sick I keep thinking that maybe you would still be here. I thought that after a while the guilt would go away but it hasn't. I just end up feeling guilty about everything else as well.
I want to be the best mom I can be to your sisters but there are times I have to step back and take a deep breath!!! I think for the most part I wish that I had more help with them. I hate being a single parent. I wish that I wasn't alone in the parenting section of my life. My EX doesn't offer much assistance, half the time I have to beg him to keep Prairie or plan something three weeks in advance, which totally sucks. And then Boss, she's all mine. I am her mom and her dad. It's so stressful at times. But I am also thankful that I have made it this fair by myself. It's made me stronger and I've learned that I can do stuff on my own. I love your sisters so much. I really hope that they know that.
And now J is in the picture. He doesn't have children and he's never been married so of course this is all new to him. He's scared to even hug my girls because he's afraid they'll break or something. And I don't expect him to come into our life and pick up right where my EX left off. That's not his job. He's been wonderful. We've hit a few bumps in the road but after a while they manage to go away. We've been together for two months and we have a date night (that sometimes includes Prairie). But I think it's good that he accepts me and that he accepts my kids. His parents on the other hand are another story completely. They're not exactly my biggest fans at the moment. But I'm not dating them, or the world, I am dating J and that's all that matters.
Cylas, will this guilt ever go away or will I have to live with it the rest of my life? I just can't seem to convince myself that I am a good person, a good mom, and that everything will work out. I am constantly worrying about the health and safety of the girls. Losing you has really made me more aware of things that can happen. I hope that all of this will pass..
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago