Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

December 31, 2008

New Year

2009 is almost here. As prepared as I think I am, I know that I am not. You were released from the hospital on New Year's day so I have these memories in my head. I've tried my best not to focus on the bad, but it's hard when the bad is weaved into the good. You were home for 11 days before you had to be placed back into the hospital with the "very bad bug." Those 11 days were the best, but I was very tired. I was still recovering from the C-Section, but I refused to have your care placed in someone else's hands, even though at night, I did surrender to my mom. My legs and feet were still swollen, but you were at home and that's all mattered.

I remember lying in bed at night listening to your breathing, almost as if I was waiting for you to cry. I couldn't sleep. I knew that I was moving slow so I thought that I had to be prepared for you when you woke up needing to be feed or needing a diaper change. Your Sissy hated it when you woke up because it interupted her "beauty" sleep, so most of the time I would change your diaper and then head to the living room because I knew that you would be awake for a little while. It was during that time when I would sit with you in my arms and talk to you. I would talk about how much love I had for you, my worries, and of course I would reassure you that no matter how your "dad" felt I would always be in your life and if I needed to be your dad I would do that too. I also talked about how much your Sissy, Nan, & Pops loved you. It was hard knowing that I brought you into world with a broken family, something that I did not want. It just broke my heart.

You liked getting a sponge bath, but didn't like getting your hair washed. I gave you a total of 3 sponge baths while you were at home. Once again that was you and me time. Your sister was very helpful when it came to diaper changes and bottle feedings. I let her gather the materials for a diaper change and I let her fix your bottles. I knew how jealous she was before you were born so I knew that it was very important to make her feel wanted and helpful. A couple times you wore mismatched clothes, not my fault, your Sissy picked out those outfits. I would lay you on the bed and let you move your arms and legs, also I was horrified that Prairie might fall on you while trying to give you her daily dose of hugs and lovins. She would grab your face with both hands, which you hated, and give you a kiss.

It was on your 11th day home that I started noticing something different about you. It was the day of your scheduled circumsion and I noticed something wasn't quite right with your umbilical cord stub, it was draining brown stuff, but I didn't worry too much because I knew that you were going to the doctor and I would voice my concerns then. Well, I told the doctor and he just summed it up to "poor" cleaning and showed me what to do, which wasn't the case, I wasn't doing the cleaning any different then he showed me. It was very frustrating!!! By the next morning on January 12th you were already back in the ER. I don't want to continue because I don't know if I can. Let's just say on January 15th this "very bad bug" had taken you away from me!!!!

I don't like January that much. January is a bad month for my mom's family. We've lost your Great Gma, Great Uncle, Great Uncle (by marriage), your cousin, and then you. Your 1 year angelvarsary is in a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder if someone else will taken from us. It scares me to DEATH. For once, this January I hope we don't have to say goodbye to another family member. There have been so many times when I've replayed the day of your funeral over and over in my head, wondering if I played the part of a grieving mother right or if there were people in attendance who thought I didn't act right. I admit that everyone kept telling that I had to stay strong for Prairie's sake. They kept telling me that I couldn't lose it because I had her to think about. And of course, I kept thinking WTF!!! But during that time I was just moving to the motions and still in that robotic mode! I remember looking at you one last time with tears streaming down my face, rubbing your head and telling you to be good. And saying "gv-ge-yu"! Which means I love you in Cherokee. I told you that I would miss you and carry you forever in my heart. My brain was yelling at me telling to hang on and not let go and grab you and run, but I stood by your casket a few minutes longer looking at you knowing that you were in safest place a mother could ever wish her child to be, but it still made me so SAD and HURT!! I left the casket and sat back down on the pew with my head down crying as hard as I could.
It's not been easy for me. I still stuggle from day to day. I miss you tremendously and sometimes I still find myself in bed listening for you to breath, knowing that it will never come.

Happy New Year, Cylas!!

Always,
Mommy

December 29, 2008

Re: Happy Birthday, Cylas

Cylas, your birthday has come and gone!! I spent most of the day focused on other things. I was trying to keep it together. On the 23rd we were finally able to put your toys and your Christmas tree on your grave. It looks really good and I hope you enjoyed the decorations!! Your sister put the small trucks and cars in their place and I was in charge of the Christmas tree. I wish that wasn't how my life was. I wish that I didn't have to visit a grave on special occasions.

I hope you liked your balloons, we sent enough for you to share, so I hope you did. I didn't get good pictures because it was raining and dark but your sister and I had fun blowing them up and sending them your way. We also had an ice cream cake to celebrate with. It was just nan, pops, Prairie, and me but I did share the rest of the cake with your uncle Junebug and his family. I didn't have time to tell them what I was planning so they just got the cake. It was a good cake and I think you would have enjoyed it.

I took pictures of all the stuff I have to remember you by. I plan on making a slide slow and putting here on your blog. It was hard knowing that all this stuff is all I have of you. I've got your foot prints and only your left hand print, I have some of your hair, your pacee, a bottle, your bracelets, blankets and about 3 of your outfits that you wore while you were here. I also included shots of my "memory" bracelet, your diaper bag, and your first Christmas ornament.

I tried my best to stay strong!! I did really good, but once I was alone I totally lost it and broke down. I've had about 3 break downs just missing you and thinking about what could have been. And wondering how come my life has to be like this. Your sister told me that I scare her when I cry. It helped to cry though, because I've been holding it in for so long. I don't like to let people see me cry, but when I do, they know why. My mom and I were talking about you yesterday and of course she ended up crying, but I held it in. She misses you so much!! I know that she would have you rotten right about now. Then my brother also mentioned that he was thinking about what you would be doing right now especially the walking part. He was wondering if you would have the same walk as your "dad". With your chest stuck out and your but kind of poking out from behind. It's a funny thought to see that in my head, but I know that you would have that same walk. You were just like him in so many ways. But then he denied you and that's something I'll probably never get over. His side of the family didn't call or didn't place any memorials in our local paper for you. I did. Cylas I won't forget you!!!!

I hope you had a great heavenly birthday!!! I continue to miss you and I'll love you forever with all my heart!!!!

Mommy

December 22, 2008

Happy 1st Birthday (Dec. 24th)


I know that this birthday wish is two days early, but I won't have computer access until December 29th after today and I wanted to make sure I did this before my time off.

We will sending you some balloons on your birthday so please be watching for them and I ask that you not be selfish and share them with your angel friends, ok. I've told you before that I do have some toys for you, but I haven't been able to place them on your grave, the weather has been so bad. I pray that your actual birthday is pretty so I can go visit and leave your stuff with you. I plan on buying a cake, at your sister's request, and have something small for you on your special day.

I can only imagine what you would have done with a birthday cake! I can see you with cake all over your face, clothes and in your hair. It would be a hassel to clean up, but you only celebrate your first birthday once and there would be no limits. I was worried about your birthday because it was so close to Christmas, but now it's not so hard to think about. You'll have your heavenly birthday's and we'll have your earthly birthday's and the only thing missing will be you!! I've already broken down once today and I know that I will probably cry more and more through out this week. I really hope you know how much you are missed and loved!!!!

Happy Birthday, Cylas Mychal Toineeta!!!!

XOXOXO,
Mommy

A Year Ago Today (24th was on a Monday)

A year ago today I was already in the hospital recovering from a hectic delivery. I didn't know how serious it was until I was out of recovery and was told that they almost lost both of us. I was relieved to have made it and to have my son, but you were in the NICU and I didn't get to see you until Wednesday, which was the day after Christmas. I knew that you were a big boy, but I wasn't sure about your health since I was pretty much out of it for two days. I was alone at the hospital. Nana was keeping your sister and your "dad" didn't feel the need to be there. I hated having to be alone at the hospital. It was so hard not to cry, because all I wanted to see you and make sure you were alright. Once I was able to actually see you I knew that everything was going to be alright. They were doing everthing they could do to find out how come your breathing wasn't stabilizing. You had beautiful blackish/brown hair, so thick!! Your fingers, just like mine! You of course looked just like your "dad" even though he denied you! I held your tiny hand and told you that I loved you!!! I didn't visit long that first day since I was still trying to manage my pain, but the days following were easier and I visited longer.

I prayed every night for you, me and your sister. I hated being away from my babies. If I didn't have to have a C-Section I know that your sister would have been with me. She was sick and I knew that she only wanted her mommy!! But I also knew that you needed me too! Looking back now I don't regret choosing to stay with you while your sister was at home. I know that she understood. She came to visit and was able to see you, which made her feel so much better. She came back to the room, and said "mommy, you feed him too much, he's too big!!" Then she said "but that's my baby and I love him!!"

It was hard for me. I didn't know if I could be a good mom to two kids. What if I messed up? What if I paid more attention to one and not the other? I didn't want to be a single mom, but that's what happened. I knew that it was going to be hard and I was very unsure of myself. But once you were finally at home and my small family was back together, it all just meshed together and you fit in like a glove. Your sister was a good little helper. She didn't seem to be jealous at all. She loved on you as much as anyone else. I was happy that I had her around to help me cause I was moving slow and you were very impatient!!! In so many ways you and your sister were alike. You both had the same short temper! The only difference was that you like to be held and she didn't. I wish that I would have taken advantage of that fact, while you were here, I was more worried about not spoiling you. And I am sorry I didn't take more time to hold you while you were sleeping. I am sorry that I made your lay in that stinky crib, when I could have been holding you, but I honestly thought that I had MORE time!! And I was so WRONG!!!

Mommy

December 15, 2008

11 month ANGELVARSARY

Cylas it's been 11 months since I've held you in my arms and felt the warmth of your skin on my face. I can't even begin to tell you where this leaves me right now. I am missing out on so much, and it's not fair. No matter how much time passes, I will still have a hole in my heart and I will miss you forever.

Today is your Nana's birthday, but she's already gotten all of her presents. She complains about everything!!! It's hard buying for her because you never know if she'll like it or not. Luckily, I managed to get her exactly what she wanted so I am free of hearing her complain. But you gotta love her. I don't know if she remembers today is also your angelvarsary, but I don't plan on telling her, I want her to enjoy her birthday, KWIM?

Another exciting weekend. I thought your sister was going to go to Nashville with your "dad", but she didn't want to go and he couldn't make her. We're suppose to agree on these things, but he always tries to push me around and it just didn't go his way this time. He never ceases to amaze me. He's acting like I have to bow down before him since he's remarried and everything, and it's just not going to happen.

Cylas, you are on my thoughts today. I miss you so very much!!!! I wish that you were here instead of where you are at, but I also know that you are ok. Please be close today, your sister and I need a visit from you so bad.

Love you baby boy!!
Mommy

December 11, 2008

We did it together

On Tuesday night, your sister and I wrapped the gift that we was going to donate in your memory. I didn't intend on letting her help me, because I didn't think she would. But as soon as she seen what I was doing she wanted to help. While we wrapped the gift she kept asking me questions: Whose gift is this? Why are you wrapping it? What does donate mean? I explained to your sister that the gift was for another little boy about the same age as you. I told her that the gift didn't have to be wrapped, but I also remember how anxious I was to watch my children tear open their Christmas gifts and I didn't want to take that away from this child, either. Then I had to answer the question about donate and I didn't know how to answer it. After a short time, I told Prairie that we were donating a gift because we couldn't buy anything for you. I told her that it would donated in your memory and that there are other children out there who don't have a lot of toys. She seemed to understand that explanation. Once we were finished, she grabbed the gift and gave it a kiss. She said "in memory of my brother, huh, mom." And I said yes.

I've decided that this will probably be something we do every year in honor of you. I know that there are so many things I want to do, but I can't. If I were a millionaire I would do so much more. I am also hoping that by doing this it would be something that Prairie would do when she was older too!!

I've been doing so much better. I didn't go to the doctor for my anxiety because I haven't had any attacks lately. I've been reading. I am on the last book in the Twilight series and I've really gotten into them. I've even been dreaming about the book and the movie. I started reading to relieve my stress level and to ease my mind. Surprisingly it has helped. I still miss you and I still think about you all the time, but it not as hard. But that's just it, I don't know how long this will last. I don't know how long I can stay calm without totally freaking out.

I also smelled this sweet scent in my room this morning before I completely woke up, was it you? If it was, thank you for visiting.

Love,
Mommy

December 8, 2008

Hello Again

Cylas, my precious little boy. So much has happened since my last entry. I am trying to "live" through December. I am preparing myself for what's coming. I keep telling myself that I will make it and that I can do this. Iwodi, Nana, Jay, and I took off for the weekend. We went to Pigeon Forge. We went to the Dixie Stampede on Friday, shopped all day Saturday, and Sunday made our way back home.

On Saturday, I found out that your "dad" got married AGAIN!! I don't know why I've let this bother me so much. I mean I know that he's a liar, he's broken every promise he's ever made to me, so I don't know why his new marriage is bugging me so much. We haven't even been divorced for a year and he's already taken the plunge again. But I know that his "new" wife didn't want to have to mess with you and she made that very clear with her words after you were born. So I really hope that they enjoy their new life together knowing that they don't have to deal with you. Iwodi still has to be in middle though, and I've learned how to deal with that. Well I miss you and always will!!!!

I bought an age appropriate gift to donate in your memory. I kind of figured since I can't shower you with bday or Christmas presents then I can give to another child in need, KWIM. This will probably be a new tradition for me. Your sister asked me how come I did that and I told her that another baby needed presents too, so why not buy them one and donate in your memory. Right now she doesn't understand, but I know that when she gets older it might be something she can do to. Cylas, I haven't bought a baby gift or even baby clothes since before you were born and I can't seem to make it happen. And I loved shopping for babies, that was my thing. You have a new cousin who I need to buy for, and I can't do it. Maybe I'll be able to one day, but not right now. I really hope that my family understands.

We have some items to place on your grave but the weather has been sucky!! We've had snow & rain, but as soon as it gets pretty Iwodi and I will take your stuff to you. We have you a "baby" Christmas tree, two trucks, a car, and some "windmills". I can't remember the correct name for the "windmills". We are going to either buy a small cake or make a cake for your first bday and then we'll release some balloons. So you be looking out for your balloons in the coming weeks, ok. I know that none of this will make up for a "real" bday celebration, but it's all I can do. Aside from missing you everyday and thinking of you everyday, I don't know what else to do.

It's 16 more days until your bday and I keep telling myself to be strong. But also at any given moment I know that I could lose it all together. Your sister misses you so much!! Please stay close to her, she really needs to know your here.

I love you with all my heart!!!
Mommy

November 24, 2008

11 months old Today

Happy 11 months Cylas!!! You're a month older and images of you in my mind are unchanged. Untouched. Your still that handsome little boy I held in my arms and I couldn't believe I had such a wonderful life inside of me for nine months. I often wish that you were still in my belly, at least I would still have you, and you would be safe. I continue to struggle from day to day with my emotions and putting my life back together. I want nothing more than to climb back in bed and not get back out until this dream ends, but I know that it won't. I have a life that I have to live and I will find my normal again, but I don't know when.

Next month, you will be one and it would be your first Christmas, and I don't know how I will make it through. I am holding my head up high trying to tell myself that I can do this. I can get through this holiday season without completely falling apart. I'm trying SO hard Cylas!!! I really am.

I love you with all my heart.

Mommy

November 18, 2008

It's Getting Hard

I've been trying my best to not think about the holiday's and your birthday. I keep thinking that if I focus on the next month or so too much I'll go crazy. I can feel the hole in my heart getting bigger and I can feel my chest collapsing. Your sister goes to to sleep missing you, and all I can do to comfort her is tell her that it's going to be alright and give her a hug. It's so hard and I know that it's about to get harder. How can I keep that from happening? I can't afford to completely shut down.

I am making arrangements to order your headstone. I know it's almost been a year, but son, I've been waiting on your "dad" to get you one. He claims that there is one being fixed but everytime I ask when it will be done he can't give me an answer. It was supposed to be ready in June, and it wasn't. I feel like the worst mother ever. You don't even even a permanent marker for your grave and in January it will be a year. I am going to go look at a few monument companies within the next weeks and see what I can get worked out. And son, I am so sorry you don't have a headstone, but just know that I am working on it, I promise.

Cylas, all I ask that you stay close by. Let your sister and I know that you close by. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Mommy

November 14, 2008

It's been 10 Months (Tomorrow)

Cylas, it's been 10 long months since I last held you in my arms. It still feels like it all happened yesterday, it's a dream that's neverending. I am so hard on myself for what happened to you. I had to make a decision about your case today and at the time I thought I was doing the right thing but now I feel like I've betrayed you. Instead of working my a$$ off to raise money, I've opted to have the lawyer meet with the Risk Management team at the hospital where you died. I know that I said I wouldn't let this happen, but I don't know if I could handle going any further without going crazy and collaspsing into my grief.

I miss you and love you very much!! You are on my mind all the time. You will always be a part of me and I will carry you in my heart forever.

Mommy

November 13, 2008

From Earth/To Heaven

This message is traveling from earth to heaven. I've never thought about that before. I know that you must hear all my thoughts and that you must know how much your momma misses you. It never occurred to me though until just now. You must hear my thoughts a million times a day. Thinking about what you are doing. Thinking about what I am missing. Thinking about how MUCH I MISS you. And then, finally wishing that you would just come back.

I am not looking forward to the holidays. But I'll have to try my best to get through them some how. I wish that I could ball up and stay that way for the next 2 or 3 months. But as always, I am thinking about your sister and thinking about how I can't let her down, no matter how I feel. I made some changes to the blog today. I added a new background, it's all wintery (sp?) and since I enjoy the cold weather, I thought it might help. Snow doesn't just happen at Christmas time so there's no need to not want snow. I really like the cold weather!!

I've been reading the Twilight books, I've only bought the first two, but I have been racing to get finished with the first book before the movie comes out. The books keep my mind off of things. I'm not saying that I read to get away from missing you, that will never happen, but reading has helped me relax and I've been able un-stress. Especially with everything that has taken place the last couple of weeks, I needed the distraction I guess.

Cylas, like I've said many times before, it's never going to be ok that you're not here, but I know that somehow and someway I can make it through. I MISS you so much on a daily basis. Sometimes it seems like missing you takes up most of my days since you passed away in January. I try to stay focused on what's ahead for me and your case. I will have to be strong these next few months, and all I can ask is that you stay close to your momma, ok, my little angel. This message is now coming to you in Heaven, and leaving me to gather my thoughts once again.

XOXOXO,
Mommy

November 7, 2008

Beautiful Picture

One of my friends sent me this beautiful picture of an albino peacock. This picture is proof that God is still creating miracles. This peacock looks like a real-life snowflake. I wanted to share this photo with all the people who read this blog. I really hope that you enjoy it.

Cylas' Mom

November 6, 2008

The So-Called Anger of a Mother

I was recently asked if I ever get angry. I didn’t have a clear cut answer for the person asking the question. I try my best not to let my anger take over because I don’t want that to define my life the way it is right now. When I lost my son, Cylas, all I felt was hurt and shock. The days following his death were played as if I was in a haze. I mean I know that I went through all the emotions of each day but it was like I was watching myself on TV and not really there. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but it was almost as if I was being controlled by a puppeteer and it felt like I didn’t have any control what so ever.

Cylas came into this world on Christmas Eve 2007. His arrival was very hectic and scary. I didn’t know if I was going to make it or even if my precious little boy was going to survive. Both of our circumstances were very dim. I had a placental abruption and almost bled to death. I wasn’t able to see him until Wednesday and I couldn’t believe how handsome he was. He had a head full of hair, dark brown, those chubby checks, and he had deep dark eyes. He was my Indian baby, he had dark skin and he looked just like his “dad”. The reason why I say he was my Indian baby was because his sister was light skinned compared to him. Cylas’ delivery was nothing compared to what I had gone through before his arrival.

My husband and I separated when I was three months pregnant. He moved into another woman’s home about two weeks later. We fought over everything. I was mad because that new woman in his life was all of a sudden first in his life. I didn’t care if he paid attention to me, but it was not fair to our daughter. Not one time did he ever ask me how the pregnancy was going after he left us. Then one day he told me that he wanted a DNA test done as soon as the baby was born. I couldn’t believe that he was denying our child. He had the nerve to tell everyone that he wasn’t the father and made it sound like I was the one cheating on him. Every time I thought about those words coming out of his mouth, I would get mad all over again. His new woman even had the nerve to tell everyone that my baby didn’t belong to him. What was going on between me and him was none of her business. I told him that she needed to back off and shut her mouth. I don’t like his new woman and I don’t think I ever will. I didn’t appreciate the things that she said and I think the most hurtful thing of all was when she told my EX that if the baby was boy she didn’t want me to have him because she was worried that he would come back to me. That one little thought makes me so mad. Even today, I still get angry and upset because she said such a thing. It wasn’t her baby to wish away, it was mine. I know that I might be taking her words the wrong way in some people’s eyes, but it wasn’t her place. Just because she doesn’t take care of her kids doesn’t mean that I didn’t want mine. I want to blame her for Cylas’ death. I want to look her in the face and tell her that I hope she’s happy! I hope that she’s very proud of herself because now he’s not here to ruin her wonderful relationship with his father. I want her know that I believe with all my heart she wished death upon my child. All I can think about is what Cylas must have thought. He must have been thinking: doesn’t anyone want me? My dad has denied me, and his new girlfriend doesn’t want me around. So why should I stay? Why should I stay, I am not wanted. I know that must have been going through his mind. During his viewing and the funeral service I kept thinking that she better not show up here. I already had a scene played out in my mind. I would ask her to leave and tell her that she was not welcomed. I was prepared for a fall out with my EX because of that and I was ready to tell him that he could leave too, since he wasn’t the father. I’ve never been hurt so bad. I never thought that our relationship could become so complicated. I always thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man. Our divorce was finalized on December 13, 2007, 11 days before Cylas was born. As of today, I don’t have anything to do with him. We have a daughter and if we talk it’s about her and her only. He stresses me out!!

Before I had Praire and Cylas I suffered a miscarriage in January 2003. I was 7 weeks when it happened and I was devastated. During that time I blamed God. I blamed God for taking that child away from me. Have I blamed God this time? Not really. Actually I’m afraid to lash out at God. I’m afraid because I think I might lose someone else if I do. With all my heart I know that Cylas is safe and that he’s in the best of care. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish for one more day with him. I wish Cylas would come back every day. I would do anything if I could hold him in my arms one more time. If I had one more chance to look into his eyes, I would make sure that he knew I loved him. I would make sure that he knew he was wanted by me and his sister. He was definitely wanted and that’s no joke. Sometimes I do find myself questioning God’s intentions. I know that you can’t ask why but it’s something I do on a regular basis. I had a thought one time while I was riding in my van, crying. I wanted to find some peace and I wanted some reassurance that I would be ok. I don’t know if I remember exactly what I wrote on the blog but here goes: I thought that God must have had a plan for me. He must have had a reason for letting me have my daughter first as well as blessing me with Cylas. I thought that God sent my daughter to me to help me through my grief and pain. If I didn’t have my daughter I probably would still be under that rock, no one would probably ever see me again. But she’s the reason I keep going. She’s the light at the end of the tunnel. While I’m trying to put my life back together she’s the glue that’s making it possible. We are both going this great loss, but each of us handle it differently. Then another thought came to me, what if God had a reason for blessing my life with Cylas. What if God knew my marriage of 4 years would be ending, and he knew that if I was pregnant I wouldn’t totally shut down and quit functioning. He knew that I would make sure I took care of myself and that I would do everything in my power to make sure this baby was safe. He knew that I would have enough love left to make it through. He knew that if I had Cylas then I had something to look forward too other than my loneliness. So here’s what these thoughts break down to I have my daughter to help keep me going since I lost Cylas and I had Cylas to help me through the pain of losing a husband. I’m not saying I totally depend on my children, but I know that I’ve been blessed. Now, I am waiting for something else to happen. I mean, God must have another plan for me. He let me have Cylas for 3 wonderful weeks. He let me feel him in my arms and he let me see those beautiful eyes. I don’t know what my future may hold. Will I have another child? Don’t know. Will I find someone else to share my life with? Who knows? I don’t. I mean if I really had to lash out at God all I could scream is WHY!!!, over and over again.

I talk about Cylas all the time. I remember all the small stuff. I remember being up with him until 2:00 in the morning. I remember his temper, just like his sister’s. I remember that dimple on his chin and trying to figure out where in the world it came from, still never figured it out. I remember running my fingers through his hair and making it stick up, I always said he looked like a mad duck after I did that. I remember how fast he caught onto that trick we call a paci. I remember counting his fingers and his toes. I remember watching him as he followed his sister around with his eyes, he was amazed at her. I remember getting peed on during his diaper changes, it happened three times. I remember how he loved taking a bath, until it was time to wash his hair. I remember how he looked just like his “dad”, and I know that I marked him. I remember how he would stare at whoever was holding him, I think he was trying to figure them out, he did that to me, and I think he wanted to know everyone because he knew that he wouldn’t be here much longer. I remember watching him sleep. I remember listening for him to breath, I did that long after he was already gone. And even though it hurts like hell I remember what he had to go through before he died. He couldn’t be held because he was in so much pain. On the last day he was here, I couldn’t hold him, I was afraid I might hurt him even more, I sat on the bed next to him and held his hand. I let him know that his mommy was there and that I wasn’t going anywhere. I ran my fingers through his hair and I stroked his forehead. It was just me and Cylas, no one else mattered at that time. I prayed to God asking for a miracle. I prayed to God so hard during that time. Cylas was having difficulty breathing by this point and it was very evident that his body and heart were working too hard to keep his little body going. He was moved to the ICU (too late) and they put him to sleep, telling me that it would be easier for him. I never seen him with his eyes open again and I didn’t even get to him goodbye. At seven o’ clock on Tuesday, January 15th we were told that there was nothing more they could do for Cylas and they asked us if we wanted them to take him off life support or let things happen naturally. I wasn’t ready to let go and I opted to keep him on life support for as long as possible. Eventually everything started shutting down and his heart rate kept getting lower and lower. Two hours after my world was shook to the core, Cylas was gone, and my world had totally collapsed around me. He passed away at 9:10pm.

My family & friends have been a great support to me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. They didn’t say any of the usual stuff like oh, it happened for a reason (yeah, his dad didn’t want him), well he’s better off (yes, he is, but I want him here with me), or you can always have another baby (yes, I can, but Cylas will still not be here). I had the task of planning my child’s funeral, something that’s not supposed to happen, but it has. I made the arrangements and didn’t give his so called dad a choice. His casket was hand made, and his clothes were bought by one of my cousins and he had tons of flowers. As sad as I was on the day of his funeral my daughter managed to make me smile. As they placed him in the grave and started shoveling the dirt on to his small casket, his sister watched intently. She watched as they buried her brother, and then she looked up at me and asked me how Cylas was going to get to heaven with all that dirt on him? I smiled, hugged her tightly, and told her that he was already there and she had nothing to worry about. Right now my pain is great, my loss was devastating. I don’t need anyone telling me to get over it. I probably will never get over it and that’s something that they’ll have to deal with. I am never going to forget my angel, Cylas. I wish that I had more pictures of him. I wish that I had more pictures of him with his sister. There are so many wishes and I wants. I want him back, I wish I could hold him one more time, if I had done this or that, he might still be here. The list can go on and on, but they are just words or thoughts, and they will never be fulfilled.

This was supposed to be about anger, but I just can’t seem to let it out. It’s easy to do, but for some reason, right now, it’s so hard. I am angry at my EX. It seems like I stay mad at him. Aside from blaming his new girlfriend I blame him too! By saying that Cylas wasn’t his son, he wished him away too!! I think I will live with that thought in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. My EX could have said or did anything else during that time and it wouldn’t have hurt so bad, but he took it out on an innocent child. A child that is no longer here and I just don’t know how to forgive that. I don’t know how to start saying that it’s ok. I don’t know how to look past those hurtful words. His new girlfriend didn’t want Cylas, he didn’t want Cylas, what if that’s the answer to my question: Why? What if it God took Cylas because his dad didn’t want him? But even if that’s the case, why did he take him from me, I wanted him. I wanted him more that anything. I’ve always dreamed of having a little boy and I couldn’t wait for him to get here. Sometimes it seems like all my why’s lead back to my EX. You know my EX’s life almost fell apart a few months ago, and guess who he wanted by his side: ME! His girlfriend went crazy on him and tried to kill herself. Well it was Cylas’ day, and I had no intention of making my EX a part of my day ever again. He called me and told me that he needed a friend. I said well why did you call me, when Cylas died and I needed some support you wasn’t there for me, in fact he totally turned his back on me. He went running back to her because they were broken up at the time of Cylas’ death. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But when something happened to him and he was all alone he thought I would come running! Well I did, he tried to get me to have sex with him and kept telling me that he had been thinking about me for a while. He “faked” an apology about everything that was said or done while I was pregnant. He wanted me to be by his side. Of course I wasn’t there for support because I was trying to convince him to let that crazy woman go and move on with his life. During that time she was placed in psychiatric facility and she broke up with him telling him that she never wanted to see or talk to him again. Then by Friday, all was fine, and they were back together again. I told him off and asked him why he needed me so badly during that time. I asked him why he was willing to put me through all this SHIT again. I told him that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I didn’t want to talk to him and if I did talk it would only be about our daughter. I told him that the next time something happens between them to leave me out of it. I told him to call someone else!! Since then it’s been pretty quite. I pick a fight with him occasionally but I think I do that just to keep him from talking to me.

All my anger seems to be aimed at my EX. Does that seem Fair?


November 3, 2008

Good, then again, Not So Good

The meeting on Friday with the lawyer went ok. I still hated to hear what he had to say. It didn't make the process any easier. I was told that there was a possibility that you had necrotizing facilitis (flesh-eating infection). That was one of the hardest things that I've had to hear, to know that you could have such a infection tore my heart apart. You suffered so much those last four days and to know that you could have been in even more pain just tears me to peices. I would have done anything to keep you from hurting but yet that want was so far out of reach. Not only did I hear about the infection, but it's up to the lawyer to find out what kind of saline was given to you after it was moved from 20 cc's to 75 cc's. Was it D-5 or was it just plain saline? If it was D-5 then we have a problem because that the reason for your complete organ failure. You were overdosed on potassium. And then the big and hardest question that needs to be answered is if you would have survived anyway, even if the hospital treated you with the best medicine money can buy? In my heart I know that answer. I know that I wanted you to survive. I wanted you to get better and come home to me and your sister. I wanted you here.

The lawyer left me with 3 choices: 1) find another law firm that advances money, 2) have a meeting with the risk management team at the hospital and tell them about our findings and what we intend to do (it would be settled out of court and we would be awarded less money), or 3) Try to raise an INSANE amount of money. As crazy as it sounds I am not ready to give up on this fight. I want to do what is right for you and in your honor. I want to make sure I like hell to make sure I get some answers. I am going to start raising that insane about of money and I will have to start soon!! I know that whatever I do here on earth will never be enough. I know that it will never bring you back, but I want you to know that your mommy will do whatever it takes to fight this hospital and the doctors who were responsible for your care. The medical expert truly believes that these doctors dropped the ball when it came to you. She stated that these doctors definitely could have treated you with success. Where will the money come from? I have no idea. How will I raise this money? I don't know. Can it be done? Yes, it can. I will stop at nothing to do what's right.

I keep thinking that somewhere down the road we might have to exhume (sp ?) your little body and get an autopsy done. Even though an autopsy never answered questions fully and completely, it still might be able to pin point the answers to some of these questions. I wouldn't be there to see you ripped from your final resting place, I couldn't be there, but in the future it might be my only option. My family tells me that I should have had one done right after you died but they don't know what was going through my mind. I couldn't keep you from all the pain you went through before you died and I sure as hell didn't want to cut up your body in death. I know what happens during an autopsy and I just couldn't put my sweet, innocent boy through such a thing. It was the one thing I did have control over.

Then sitting there listening to your Gma and "dad" express their anger. I just rolled my eyes. Your Gma was talking about being a christian and all I could think was "what a freaking hypocrit!!! She lets her son live in sin with his own cousin, and she gets rid of her husband and moves another man in." I didn't need to hear anything about how good of a christian she is. And I may need to ask for forgiveness for thinking like this, but how am I suppose to feel. If it were me out there doing the exact thing they would be trying to take away your sister because I wasn't living the way they think I should. I know for a fact they're just waiting for me to slip up, well guess what, it's not going to happen. Your sister is the most important person in my life, she's all I have, and I will never jeopardize her life. I love you and Prairie so much. And I don't you or her to ever forget that.

Cylas, I will try my best to find out all the answers to these questions. I will try my best to get some answers, good or bad. I will stop at nothing to have this case go to court and make these people pay for taking you away from me.

Mommy

October 30, 2008

I am dreading tomorrow

Tomorrow is Friday, and it's a day that I've been dreading all this month. The reason I am dreading tomorrow is because I have another meeting with my lawyer. Just like the last time I don't know what to expect, and not knowing is harder than knowing at all. I don't know if I am ready for this meeting. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and now I am back to square one. I am back to being that little child uncertain about what to do. I have a dozen thoughts going through my mind. There are so many things I want to know, but yet at the same time I don't want to know. Then again I have to wonder if I am ready for this journey. I wonder if I can handle what I will hear. I wonder if I will be able to keep my head on straight, and keep from totally losing it. I am so scared and nervous about tomorrow. That knot in the pit of my stomach is still there getting bigger by the minute. I've had headaches all week long due to all the worrying. The lawyer has told me that all he wants to do is talk about the success or the failure of this case, and with a statement like that it's hard to see if I have a case or not, and if I do have a case, can it be won? I know that I definitely don't want the hospital to get away with what they did to you. I want them to held accountable for your death. I even want them to admit that they did you wrong. I want to them to look me in the eyes and tell me that they killed you. I want the hospital to look at me and see how much pain and heartache they have caused in my life. I lost my only son, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I want to make sure I have the answers I need to give me closure and as much as I know it could hurt me, I still want to know and I know that deserve closure. Nothing will ever bring you back, but I want to make sure that you know I am doing what I can to make this right. I want to make sure that the people responsible pay for their mistake. I want to make sure they know that they have a son away from his mother, and a brother away from his sister. I want them to know that our lives are totally turned upside down and that we are still searching for our "normal". Will it ever come? Who knows. Maybe?

I've decided that I am going to do things different with this visit. I am not riding with my EX & his mother. I am taking my big brother with me and by doing this I am hoping that I might feel more secure. I always feel like I am getting attacked with I am with my Ex and his mother. They expect me to be over losing you by now and that's going to happen. It's not going to happen for me. They may be over losing you, they are both enjoying their lives with their "New" significant others. My Ex already had somebody else before we even separated and he's continued to enjoy his life and his mother broke things off with her husband for someone else too!! All they both out of this case is the money. His mom thinks all her good deeds will make up for her son not being there when you were so sick, and that I will just sit back and let them collect off you like I don't care. Well I have to say that they both something else coming to them. I am not going to sit here and them take advantage of the situation. I am your mom, I never said that you were not my son, I was there when you were so sick, I was there for you when no one else was. I am mother who lost her son and I know that I can never get you back no matter how much I try and ask God to send you back to me and your sister. I am the one who had to suffer to bring you into the world and I am the one who felt you move and grow way before they even knew you. I will do what's right. I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant and I will love you until the day that I die.

I have a headache right now and I know that it's because of my stress and thinking about tomorrow so much does not help. Cylas, please be close to me tomorrow. Give me the strength I need to make it through.
Mommy

October 28, 2008

The Ramblings of Cylas' Mom

For the longest time before I had children I didn't like to celebrate Christmas. My family called me the Grinch and I held up that name with great pride. I didn't like Christmas because that meant the next holiday would be New Years. In 1993, my cousin John was killed. He was run over by a car and died from his injuries on the way to hospital. They were never able to catch his killer. So, from there on out I didn't feel like celebrating Christmas because I knew around the corner would be New Years. My grandma, your great grandma Charlotte, passed away January of 1981. Then in 1993 my aunt Jane lost her Husband Jeff, 20 days after we lost John. Jeff died of a massive heart attack on January 20th. Then on January 10, 2001, my favorite uncle Woodrow, passed away unexpectedly. And now, January has taken yet another loved one away from me. On January 15th, I lost you. You died at 9:10 pm of complete organ failure. On that day my world was shaken to the core. I prayed so hard, asking God to save your life and to let you stay here with me. I told God that he could take me and leave you.The one thing I didn't want was to lose you. I wanted you with all my heart and soul. I finally had my little boy and I wanted to hold onto you for as long as possible. My heart is broken and I don't know how long it will remain broken. So I am not too fond of January coming after December. January is just a reminder of what I've lost in my life.

When I had your sister my feelings toward Christmas changed a little bit. I no longer felt the need to try and be so cold during that time. Your sister had given me the oppurtunity to smile and enjoy what I had. I know that she doesn't remember her 1st Christmas, but I do. Watching her try and open her gifts and then seeing her hit her cousin in the head with a block. She was just trying to learn how walk and she was already crawling all over the place. The reason her gifts were wrapped was to watch her fight with the paper. But since then, I've started putting all her gifts in a bag, not being a Grinch, just being lazy. Christmas 2007 was supposed to be special not just for me but for her too. She was waiting for a new "sister" to come. My due date was December 26 and all I kept thinking was how in the world will this child ever have a birthday separated from Christmas. But Cylas, that didn't happen and your born by emergency C-Section on December 24th. So I missed Christmas with your sister, but you were here and you were safe, and at the time that's all that mattered. I didn't know that 3 weeks later I would be saying goodbye. I regreted not being home for Christmas with your sister, but she understood and from what I hear she didn't miss at all. All she wanted was her presents that I had ready 2 weeks before.

So now I don't only dread January but I am back to not wanting Christmas to come at all. I want to ball up and hide this holiday season. I keep telling myself that I can make it through, but I really must be kidding myself. I try to plan something for your 1st Birthday, but nothing I come up with seems good enough for you. What do you get an angel baby who already has everything? Your sister is trying to find something for you, but all we can do is place it on your grave, so I don't know if I will let her do that. Last night she was really missing you!! I can't even begin to imagine what December will be like. I want to do something really special for you to let you know that I love you. I am at a loss for words right now. Christmas will never be the same again. Instead of celebrating with 2 children, I am trying to find a way to stay positive for your sister. I know that it is going to be very hard and no matter how much I prepare myself for the holidays I know that all my pain and heartache will come back full force. I want you. Cylas, I want you.

Halloween is Friday. Your "dad" is taking Prairie trick or treating on Thursday and then on Friday I'll take her. I keep thinking that I should have you, and you would be dressed up like a cute little monkey, I should have you and Prairie this time. Prairie was a mermaid but she missed up that costume so now she will be Little Red Riding Hood. Halloween is just the beginning. I miss you!!!!

Mommy

October 27, 2008

The Countdown Begins

Today is Monday so that makes it 4 days until I meet with the lawyer again. My anxiety is already building. I am so nervous and scared. I am not sure what will happen this time. Will I hear good news or bad news? Will my heart be in even more pain after this meeting? Will I be able to be strong enough to sit there and listen to what the lawyer has to say? Will I hear that your death was "natural"? Or will I hear that if your treated differently you would still be here? Will I hear that it was my fault? Will I hear that I did something wrong while I was pregnant with you? Will I hear that I do have a case against the hospital? Or will I hear that I don't have a case? If we do have a case, then how successful will we be?

I've already started losing sleep over this big date coming up. I have a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. I worry so much. I try to stay busy and not think about it but now that it's this Friday there's not much I can do to keep from freaking out. I tried to be prepared and tell myself that everything was going to be ok. The last time I told myself that everything was going to be ok was right after I had you and we were still in the hospital. I asked God to look over us and keep us in his grip. I prayed for you asking him to place his healing hand upon you and asked him to let everything work out. I thanked him for giving me a beautiful little boy to finish off my family. But now that I've lost you, I often wonder if I counted my blessings too soon. I wonder if I was being punished for my failed marriage. I wonder if I was unworthy to have such a wonderful gift of life placed in my hands.

The more I think about this the more enclosed I feel. I feel like I am in a huge box that's filling up fast. I HATE FEELING SO LOST IN MY THOUGHTS. I HATE DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I HATE THAT INSTEAD OF ENJOYING YOU I AM HAVING TO WAIT ON SOME RESULTS THAT I AM NOT SURE I WANT TO HEAR!!!

Cylas, I miss you so much!!!

Mommy

October 23, 2008

Tomorrow

Tomorrow you will be 10 months old, and it is yet another date that I don't get to share with you. I keep thinking about all the stuff I am missing and there are times I get so angry I just don't know what to do. Everytime I see another baby my eyes fill up with tears. I guess I am reminded of what I don't have and it hurts all over again. Last year at this time I was on bed rest and counting down to the day when I would be able to hold you in my arms. I think I was about 31 weeks and I was just hoping that I could make it to at least 36 weeks before I delievered. I was planning on you coming early, but that didn't happen.

I am so worried about next Friday. I am trying to sort out my thoughts and I am trying to prepare myself for what I might hear. I am also thinking ahead in regards to the settlement, if there is one. And on that note I think I am in for a fight. According to the law your "dad" is NOT entitled to any part of the settlement because he abandoned us while I was pregnant and when you died we were already divorced. I honestly don't think he deserves to become rich off a son he didn't claim so I will hire a lawyer and I will fight to keep him from receiving any money. I know that I sound greedy but I am not. Your "dad" really hurt me when he denied you and I don't think it's fair that he is sitting around with his hands open waiting for the money to fall into his hands. I am not the same person I was before I lost you and your "dad" is probably thinking that he can do me in and I won't do anything about it, well that is not going to happen. But aside from the settlement, the only thing I want is you. I would rather have you more than any amount of money in the world. I wish I could say that your "dad" felt the same way.


Cylas, please stay close by from now until next Friday. I am going to need you more than anyone could know. I only want to do the right thing by you and since I couldn't save you I will try my best to make sure no one does you wrong. I am going to make sure your "dad" doesn't get anything from this case since you were not his son. You were my son, and I loved you with all my heart!!

Mommy
(Sorry this is a day early, but I won't be able to post tomorrow)


October 20, 2008

Another Sad Day


Four months ago today, there was funeral being held for one of our own, Trooper Shawn Blanton. He was killed while on duty. In the months that have passed everyone on the reservation has come to love the family he left behind. His wife, Michaela, and son, Tye, who was born 7 weeks prematurely. We are all one big family and we prayed for Michaela and Tye, he suffered from heart and neurologicial(?) problems. He underwent heart surgery at Duke University hospital a month ago, and little Tye was starting to make progress once again. We recevied updates from his mom and family and it seemed that just maybe Shawn's legacy would live on through his son. Then, on Friday, October 17th, four months to day of his dad's passing, it was announced over local news channels and in local papers that the little boy we had grown to love had passed away. Today is little Tye's funeral and as I sit here writing this my heart just breaks for his mother, Michaela. I know that I've suffered the loss of a child, but I can't imagine losing a husband and a child in four months time. I just ask that whoever reads this post to please remember Michaela, and the Blanton Family in your prayers.

Cylas, mommy asks that you and your angel friends please welcome Tye with open arms and make him feel at home. I love you my little angel and I will never forget you!!

Mommy

October 17, 2008

CYLAS YOUR GONE

Cylas your gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. Your sister and I miss you so much! Sometimes I wonder how we've made it from January to now. I think about you all the time. I find myself prowling in your diaper bag. I don't know what I am looking for or what I might expect to find. Then I have another bag that has your pictures and other stuff in it. I pull it all out and somtimes I cry and then there are times when I look at all that stuff in amazement. I can't believe that you've come and that you are already gone. I constantly wish for another day, knowing that it will NEVER happen.Just when I think I'm handling everything ok, I find myself lost in my grief. I still blame myself for what happened to you. I blame your so called "dad" for what happened because he denied you. I blame the hospital for not working fast enough to find out what was wrong with you and I blame them for not caring enough to not know they were killing you and then expecting us to believe that you died of natural causes, we're not STUPID!!

I get angry because I had to lose you.I get angry because I had to tell your sister that you weren't coming home. I get angry because I had to break her little heart. I get angry because you couldn't stay. I get angry because parents are not suppose to bury their children, it's suppose to be the other way around. I get angry because I feel so alone. I get angry because I don't know who else to BLAME besides myself. I get angry because I'll never feel you in my arms again. I get angry because I am so stressed out that if you are sending any signs that you are around, I'll never be able to see them because of that stress!

Sometimes I wish that I had one more day to hold you and tell you that I love you over and over again.I wish that I had the words to make your sister feel better when she's crying for you. Sometimes I wish that I was as strong as everyone says that I am. Sometimes I wish that this were all a bad dream and I would wake up and see your beautiful face light up my day. Sometimes I wish that this didn't have to happen.

Missing you,
Mommy

October 15, 2008

OCTOBER 15TH


October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

You've Been In Heaven for Nine Months

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.
Nine months seems like a long time compared to my 3 weeks.
Three weeks of joy and happiness.

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.
Wow, it doesn't even seem that far away.
I feel like it's only been a dream.

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.
All I've done is miss you and cry for you.
I only want you back in my life.

It's been nine months since I had to say goodbye.
Something that I never imagined I would have to do.
Each day I think of you and wonder if you're watching over me.

I miss you and your sister misses you.
Nine months and it seems like an eternity.
I will continue to carry you in my heart forever.

You've been gone nine months, my son.

Mommy

October 10, 2008

This was posted by Karry

Once upon a special day...
In heaven up above...
The tiniest souls sat at God's feet...
Surrounded by his love...
The time was coming...
very soon...God said...
'Do not be scared'...
Your family awaits your arrival...
Now let us get prepared...
And so... God looked upon these souls...
In mute consideration...
He knew the life each one would live...
He weighed each situation...
The souls chatted amongst themselves...
And wondered who they'd be...
They knew the day grew closer...soon...
They'd meet their family.
'How would you like to change the world'?
God asked each soul in fun...
'The chance to make a difference'...
Is held by only one.
I'm going to make the world laugh...
One soul said with a smile...
For laughter heals a broken heart...
And helps us through each trial...
Then take with you the brightest smile...
And share your laughter well...
The soul thanked God immensly...
And down to earth he fell.
'And I'll remind the world to sing...
A sweet little soul told the Lord...
I have the gift of a beautiful voice...
I can hit every note...every chord.
You'll have the gift of music then...
A voice...lovely and strong...
Share your gift with others...
And let them hear your song.
I will show compassion....
The next little soul raised his hand...
Some people only need a friend...
Someone to understand.
Compassion is a good thing...
God said with much delight...
To you... I will give mercy...
You'll perceive wrong from right.
And so each soul...shared every thought...
Their plans, their hopes, their dreams...
As God explained that life...it is...
Much harder than it seems.
And as each soul began to leave...
In a scurry of laughter and fun...
Heaven became quiet...Left...
was only one.
Come sit with me my little child...
God said with just a sigh...
Do you know how many you will touch...
In a world left wondering why?
From the moment that your life begins...
You... will know of strife...
But you'll teach those who know you...
To cherish the small things in life.
And some may only know you...
Through a simple photograph...
They'll never hold you in their arms...
Or memorize your laugh...
Some may only know you...
through the words they read each day...
But you'll do something wonderful...
You'll make them stop...to pray.
The tiniest soul...raised her head up...
To touch God's firm, strong hand...Father...
I am ready for...The life...that you have planned.
And I will do the best I can...
Without a word or deed...For you Lord..
are the planter...And I will be your seed.
She could already hear many praying...
And although they had not seen her face...
They were praying for her safe arrival...
They were asking for mercy and grace.
What talent do I leave with Lord?
What gift do you impart?
All that you will need God said...
I've placed within your heart.
And so God kissed this tiny child...
Knowing all that she would be...
And whispered as he watched her go...
You'll teach them...to see me.

By Stephanie Husted
(I hope it's ok for me to post this on my blog. It's very touching.)

Why Can't you come back?

Cylas, why can't you come back? That seems to be the million dollar question on everyone's mind. I want you back! Your sister wants you back! Your Nan & Pops wants you back! Your Uncle wants you back! Everyone wants you back!!! I would do anything to bring you back. My whole life I wanted to have a son. I don't exactly know why I wanted a son, but I just knew that I would get my boy one day. When I was pregnant with your sister, I just knew that I was carrying a boy, but your Nan knew better. She knew that I was getting my little princess first. Your sister acts just like me, she doesn't look like me, but she has my attitude and my OMG the fact that she doesn't have any patience isn't surprising either!!! Then when I found out you were a boy I couldn't wait until I could hold you in my arms, count your fingers and toes, run my fingers through your thick dark hair, & fall in love with you. I was worried that I couldn't love you as much as I loved your sister or that I would have a hard time taking care of both of you. I often say that your sister makes up for six children all by herself. I find myself thinking about what it would be like to have you here. I wonder if I would be doing this or watching this if you were here. Would you get along with your sister or would be just one big fight for my attention from day to day? I would love to see if you still looked like your "dad" or if your appearance has changed. I wouldn't want you to lose your chubby cheeks, I loved those!!

I would do whatever I had to do to get you back in my arms. I want both my kids to be happy and the crazy thing about that is that I know your happy. You have alot of angel friends in Heaven and I know that you enjoy playing with them. I know that you probably wouldn't want to come back if even we begged for 10 million years you'd never come back because of what you have. The hardest thing I've had to do is let you go. I didn't want to let you go, but it wasn't meant for you to stay. I worry about your sister. She wants so badly to bring you back. I've told her that I don't have that kind of magic. I told her that you took it all with you but she still has Stripes, the magic tiger. If we could only have one more day with you I would take pictures of you and your sister together, I would take pictures of you by yourself, I would look into those deep dark eyes, and I would continually count your fingers and toes. I would make sure that I held you tight and I would tell you I love you a million times. I would let your sister hold you as much as possible and I wouldn't worry about you getting spoiled. I would try to fit in as much as possible if you would only come back. I want to hear your belly laugh, I can just imagine how it would sound. And even though I don't like to hear you cry, I would let you cry for just a moment so that the sound of your laughter and cry would be imbedded in my memory forever.

I miss you and I want you in my life. I want you back! Your sister wants you back!

Mommy

October 7, 2008

Fair Week

(The picture I've included is your Cousin Kara wearing her crown.)Today will start a week of activities for the young and old. Our annual Cherokee Fair is starting today and will kick off with a parade at 4 pm. Today and this week will be another reason for me to miss you. You should be here with your mommy and sister to enjoy your first Fair. I could have probably entered you into the baby crawling contest, too!! Last year at this time I was pregnant with you and I was miserable. I didn't feel like walking around but I had to because your sister still wanted to go and ride some rides. Tonight your cousin, Kara, will have to give up her crown as Miss Cherokee. She has won all four crowns and tonight someone else will wear it. Your sissy will have to dress up in her dance outfit and be a part of Kara's program tonight. I really hope I can get her to cooperate.

Prairie went to Counseling and made a picture for you. Everything on it was you. She made sure to have your name on it so no one would think it was theirs. I don't know if she truly opens up about how much she misses you, but I know that in her little heart there is alot a pain and it's a sister missing her baby brother. I try to help her as much as I can, but I know that she'll have to deal with it in her own way, just like I have to. We miss you and we only want you back, but that is a major wish that will NEVER come true.

So, we'll go to the fair this year and we won't have you.

Mommy

October 3, 2008

Halloween is Coming

As I prepare for Halloween and start looking for your sister's costume she's requested, I can't help but think about what your costume might be like. I see a lion, a bear, a elephant, a monkey, and a pumpkin and I keep thinking, "man, Cylas would be so cute in any of those costumes." Then I fill my eyes tearing up and immediately start working on something else. I know that these next three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas (including your 1st birthday)) occasions are going to be hard for me on so many levels. These are all occasions that you should be here for. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you so in a way you were here for them and now your're not. You have been gone for 8 1/2 months and it still seems like all this happened yesterday. Sometimes I don't know how I will ever move past this pain and heartache I feel. You are on my mind every single day and I don't know how to start re-building my life without you.

I've never had so much pain in my life and I never imagined that I would lose a child. I always thought that this kind of stuff happened to other people, and not me. I didn't think I was above other people, but I felt blessed to have my daughter and then I was blessed again with you. I just knew that if I loved you with all my heart and soul then you would be allowed to stay. I knew that if God knew how much I loved you, then he would say "yep, I picked the right mother for this child, and he is loved." But in the end even my love wasn't enough to keep you here. I still lost you!

Halloween will be harder this year, but I know that I can make through, I mean, I have to, for your sister's sake. By the way, she wants to be a mermaid and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she won't change her mind at the last minute. You will never be too far from our minds. Each night your sister tells you good night and that she loves and misses you. I will try my best to keep your memory alive for her. I want her to always think about her baby brother, and she's lucky because she only has good memories, whereas, I have both the good and the bad.

Thinking of you today, carrying you in my heart forever!!
Mommy

(The monkey would have been my pick, hope you like the visual)

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand