Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

March 31, 2010

DANCING WITH THE STARS (report 2)

I am sad to admit that I forgot to vote on Monday night. I was trying to put T to sleep and fell asleep in the process. I watched the Elimination show last night and was surprised to find out that Buzz Aldrin gets to dance next week. My guy picks, Jake and Aiden will be back next week. But one of my girl picks was voted off. Bye, Bye Shannen! It was disappointing to see her go, but at least Kate is still there. I also think I am ready to make an early prediction: I think Nicole from the Pussy Cat Dolls will be taking home the ball mirror trophy. She's good! I also like watching Niecy. She keeps it real and she's dedicated her dances to all the more curvy women in the world.

I can't wait to see how well these Stars do next week. They can only get better ( I hope). And I really hope that Kate can put all her focus and frustrations into dancing without being nervous and messing up her dance moves on live TV. Go Kate! Go Aiden! Go Jake! Go Niecy!

SHE'S SIX TODAY

March 31, 2004

May 2004

Sometime in 2005

March 31, 2010 (TODAY)

Today your sister, Prairie, is six years old. She was born at 5:18 in morning and weighed 7lbs. 9 ozs. She has changed but not that much. She has brightened my days for the last six years and I love her. So when you get a chance send her some birthday hugs and kisses.

March 30, 2010

WAS IT A BLESSING?


I know that's a strange question. I've spent many hours and days thinking about this one word since you've died. Was I blessed to have lost you? Was it a blessing that you died? Why would anyone say it was a blessing to lose a child? I know that I don't or didn't see it as a blessing, that's a hard decision. In my heart I wish so badly that you were still here with me growing up right beside your sister(s).

I've had many family members tell me that maybe it was for the best. Even though I hated hearing comments like that I still wasn't disrespectful and I didn't bite their heads off. But this morning as I was taking Teela to school my friends mother who volunteers as a "grandma", she was out front when I came through the door. She looked at me and said "Sarah, do you know you're blessed? Do you know that God blessed you? When your baby died, he made a way for Teela to come into your life. He knew that SHE was going to need someone to love her and knew you would be the one for the job." She went on to say that I have two beautiful little girls. And I know this. I know that I'm blessed to have my daughters. I love them with all my heart. But in the back of my mind I still want my little boy.

27 months ago I was blessed with a handsome little boy who made my heart skip beats. After everything that happened to me during the nine months I carried him, he was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My life was complete. I wanted a little boy my whole life. I think boys are so much easier to take care of than girls and I couldn't wait to have one of my own. I couldn't wait to play ball with him. I couldn't wait for him to get first hair cut, a mohawk, of course. I couldn't wait to hear him say "momma". I couldn't wait for him to be meaner than snake. And I couldn't wait..................well let's just say I couldn't wait for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I felt blessed and then in a little over four days I didn't feel so blessed anymore. Because when my little boy was only 3 weeks old his little life came to a end. My heart was broken and it still is. My little boy, the child that I wanted so desperately was taken from me. Then along came the question: Why? I kept hearing all kinds of advice from my family, a family who I loved but I know didn't understand the pain I felt. They kept telling me to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall to peices. They kept telling me not to cry when all I wanted to do was fill an ocean with my tears. They kept telling me everything was going to be alright when I knew it wasn't. I mean how will it be alright when a part of you missing.

Then I went home from the hospital and realized I had another little life to think about. I had been so focused on Cylas and getting him better, while his big sister was at home waiting for "us" to come home. Then my heart broke all over again because I didn't know how to tell her he was in heaven and he wouldn't be coming home. Aside from losing him, telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Our lives were empty. We were both just going through the motions. I tried my best to answer her questions and she was trying her best to understand my answers. We picked up the peices of our heart and struggled through the rest of the year. Then in December of 2008 Teela was born, a day before Cylas' first birthday. Immediately, even without seeing her I knew she would make a difference in my life. I knew that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and a part of me was just waiting.

I was scared and wondering how Cylas felt knowing that his momma was connected to another baby. I didn't meet Teela until about a week or so after she was born and up until then I didn't have anything to do with anyone's baby. I avoided babies all together. Then when I seen her I couldn't help but let some of the walls that I had build around my already fragile heart fall. I held her the whole time, not eating New Year's dinner. It was just me and Teela. She was so small, nothing compared to Cylas. Cylas was a hoss and a future football player. I had begun hearing all the horror stories of Teela's life. I cried for her because I knew she didn't deserve to live with parents who were on drugs. Her dad was violent and I was worried about her safety.

My dad, his only concern was for me. He didn't want me to take her in. He was worried about me getting attached to her only to have them take her away. But for some reason I was only worried about her, it wasn't until she was already living with us that I started thinking about losing her. She has been with us for a year and I hardly have any contact with her mom. Everyone has accepted Teela has mine. She has truly helped my heart. But I think Cylas will always be apart of my life. I think there's always going to be what if or what might have been. I mean that's all I have when it comes to him. Teela has bounced over many milestones some they said she would never do. Cylas is sharing his mommy with Teela and through Teela I am seeing what I missed with Cylas. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I laugh because I can only imagine how busy my life would have been with a 27 month old and a 15 month old.

I guess you could say I am just now beginning to feel blessed again. But you know when you fall in the pit you never know how long you'll stay in there. I still have my moments. I still have days when I want to crawl under a rock and stay for about a year but those days are few and far between. My heart is full of love for my children. I send my love to Cylas every day and every night. I carry him with me every where I go. I keep his memory alive and I don't let no one forget about my Cylas. When Teela is old enough to understand I'll tell her about her big brother. I'll tell her that he was a brave little boy and that he made his journey to heaven earlier so he could find the perfect place for his family to spend their eternity.

So I guess after all of that I am blessed for what I have and had. Cylas will never die, he'll live on in our hearts forever. Prairie and Teela will grow up always remembering their brother and that's all I can ask for. Like I said, I love my children. I love them with all my heart and I am blessed.

March 29, 2010

HAIRCUT & A PARTY



Cylas,

Our weekend was full of surprises. On Friday your sisters and I went to Wally World and on the spur of the moment Prairie got her hair cut. I think she looks so cute and she really likes it. That's the most important thing is that she likes it, KWIM. Didn't buy a lot of stuff because I needed money for her party, which was the next day.

Saturday she had her party at Chuck E. Cheese's. She had a blast!! I hope you were able to sit on a cloud and watch as the festivities unfolded. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera so no pics were taken. She got to meet Chuck E. and play all kinds of games. I know it will be a party to remember. It wasn't that expensive either. I probably spent the same amount I would have spent if we had it at home. Then after the party she went to Build A Bear and made a bunny rabbit she named Angela. That's always a fun trip to make. She thinks she has to get clothes, panties, and shoes for every animal she builds.

Teela seemed to enjoy herself too. She liked watching the screens at Chuck E. Cheese's and would dance to the music. She didn't get to build her a bear though. I want her to be able to enjoy the experience so I might wait a few months before I actually let her build one. In the meantime she can carry one of Prairie's around.

As always, you were missing from all the chaos I call my life and theirs. I know in my heart you are always with us no matter where we are, but sometimes that isn't enough. I would give anything to have you back in my arms. I would tell you a hundred times or more how much I love you. So even though I try to keep moving I still end up taking a few small steps back. Cylas you are missed and I hope you know that. You are loved more than anything in this world and I only hope that my love and your sister's love reaches you in Heaven.

(Above is a picture of Prairie with her new do. Ok, now I got the picture on here. Doesn't she look cute with this hair cut, Cylas?)

Mommy

March 24, 2010

27 MONTHS OLD

TODAY YOU ARE 27 MONTHS OLD, CYLAS.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT KIND OF MILESTONES YOU WOULD BE PUSHING THROUGH BUT I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SHOW ME. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE TIME TO START WORKING ON POTTY TRAINING. BOYS ARE SO MUCH HARDER TO POTTY TRAIN COMPLETELY. YOU GUYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THE PEEING PART FASTER THAN THE POOPING PART. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ENJOYABLE EVENT FOR BOTH OF US.

AND I ALSO KIND OF FIGURE YOU WOULD BE TALKING UP A STORM. LEARNING AND USING ANY WORD YOU KNOW. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ TO? YOUR SISTERS LIKE FOR ME TO READ TO THEM. WELL I GUESS IN A WAY WHEN I READ TO THEM I AM READING TO YOU TOO! YOU CAN PROBABLY HEAR ME IN HEAVEN AND YOU MORE THAN MOST LIKELY LAY ON A CLOUD AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD. THAT'S A COMFORTING THOUGHT. JUST TO KNOW THAT YOUR NOT MISSING ANYTHING THAT I DO WITH P AND T IS GREAT. YOU MAY NOT BE HERE IN PERSON BUT IN SPIRIT AND IN OUR HEARTS YOU ENJOY YOUR MOMMY!

I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. EASTER IS COMING UP........COMING UP TOO FAST IF YOU ASK ME. I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO FOR YOU BUT JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME. I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SET UP AN EASTER TREE FOR YOU. I MIGHT WORK ON THAT THIS WEEKEND. I'LL BE ASHEVILLE ON SATURDAY SO I MIGHT LOOK FOR SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU. P WILL HAVE HER B-DAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE'S, THAT SHOULD BE FUN! I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE A PEAK OVER THE CLOUDS TO SEE HER AND HER FRIENDS. IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE THOUGH. YOU MISS SO MUCH EVERYDAY IT'S NOT FAIR.

WELL I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU TODAY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW (OR DO YOU?)

MOMMY

March 23, 2010

DANCING WITH THE STARS

I watched DWTS last night. I've been waiting on the new season to start. I don't know who I am going to pull for this time around. I usually pull for one female and one male. I was anxious to see Kate Gosselin and Shannen Doherty. I know that everyone thinks Kate doesn't deserve to be on the show, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance at something. I've always liked Shannen. I am a HUGE fan of Charmed and she was Prue for about 3 seasons. I also like Nicole, but I think I'll stick with Kate. I am a single mom and single mom's should support each other. And as for the guys, I really thing Aiden is cute and he did alright last night. I'm also looking at the Bachelor Jake. So I might be pulling for 4 until it gets really good. It's only the beginning and I can't wait to see more DWTS.

Teela is finally getting better. She had a asthma attack on Thursday and it scared me to death. I was so worried about that little one. Everytime she's sick, I go back to thinking about you when you were so sick and the thoughts that run through my mind terrify me. I'm glad that you are watching over us and keeping us safe. You are our Angel and I know that we're in good hands.

Your Big sister is preparing for her birthday party this weekend at Chuck E. Cheese's. She's invited four friends and I can only hope that they show up. She doesn't turn six until next Wednesday but this Saturday is my weekend and she doesn't have to go visit her dad or anything. She misses you so much. Please stay close to her. Send her your amazing angel hugs and heavenly kisses.

I love you and miss you always!!!

Mommy

March 17, 2010

NEW PICTURES

Over the weekend your sisters had their pictures taken. I hope you enjoy them.

Love,
Mommy

March 15, 2010

26 MONTHS

You've been in heaven for 26 months. It's hard to believe. I miss you so much everyday. I still have many wishes that never get granted. I had a rough week last week. I cried more than I've cried in a while.

I love you!!!

Mommy

March 9, 2010

THE EMAIL

Today I was emailing a friend and was talking to her about loss. She lost her husband December 2008 and was talking about how she has her good days and bad days. I happened to mention that I still have mine too. In a little over a week, you will be gone for 2 years & 2 months. Time keeps marching on and will continue to do so until the end of time. And then out of no where the tears started to flow. Usually it's pretty easy to pull myself together but not this time. I had a full break down right here in my office. I don't know where it came from. I know that I cried myself to sleep last night, too.

It must be that time of the month again. It's time for those 10 days to come and it can either be easy or hard. I'm having a Sister moment 6 days early. I miss you soooooooooooo much!!!! I long to have you in my arms again.

CYLAS I'M MISSING YOU TODAY!!! Just wanted you to know.

Mommy

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand