Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

March 27, 2009

BIRTHDAY PARTY

On Sunday we are having your sister's 5th birthday party. This is the second birthday you've missed. That's all that I can think about is the fact thaAdd Imaget you are missing another one. But I know that you are always close by. Knowing that gives me a little bit of peace, but it's not like it would be if you were here. Your sister is going to five and it's so hard to believe. She has grown up so fast. She has been through so much in the last year and a half and she's still the same lovable, huggle daughter. She misses you and cries for you. She knows that you are not here, when you should be. She also knows that you are gone for good and never coming back, which is sad, because that's something a child should never have to go through.

Right now she's at home sick (AGAIN). So please stay close to her right now. She needs to feel your love and hugs. I hope that you can enjoy her birthday in heaven. We will be missing you, always.


Love,
Mom

March 24, 2009

HEADSTONE

Cylas, you finally have a headstone. But I don't like it. I would have never agreed to letting your "dad" place that headstone on your grave had I known how it looked. I mean I guess I can be appreciative, and I am, but it's not what I wanted. It looks like something out of the 60's. It's an old fashioned looking headstone. It looks like something that would be placed on a World War II grave or something.

Right now I don't have a picture of it, but I wanted you to know that you do have something whether I like it or not.

Mom

15 months old today


HAPPY 15 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!!!

Here lately I haven't had much to write about. I'm missing my little man. It seems like I miss you more and more everyday. I just want you to know that I love you very much and think about you all the time. Sissy is doing alright. She's had a bit of a jealously fit since we've gotten Teela, but I know that it's going to take some time for her to adjust AGAIN!!

Please continue visiting us. I don't always feel you around but sinceTeela has come she kind of gives the secret away. I ask Teela all the time if she sees big Bubba.

I just wanted to leave a short message for you. Please always remember you will be in my heart forever and always.

I LOVE YOU, CYLAS!!!!
Mommy

March 18, 2009

Introducing Teela


Cylas, you are now a big brother! Teela has finally come to live with us. She arrived on Friday, March 13th. I never thought it could be so hectic. Tending to Teela and trying to reassure Prairie that I still love her too. Prairie is jealous, but she loves Teela and kisses her all the time. But I know that it's going to take some adjusting to our "new" family.

I know that you've been visiting Teela. She's always looking at the ceiling or wall and coos and talks to you. You make her smile big!!!! Thanks for being a good big brother to her. She needs somebody to love her. Having Teela this week has made me miss you more. I am experiencing all this stuff with Teela and thinking in the back of my mind "this is what I didn't get to do for or with Cylas."

Teela is not officially mine yet, I am waiting on the paperwork. So I am still trying my best not to open my heart up to her. I know that sounds bad, but I don't want to get hurt if something was to happen. I am praying for a fast transition and help. I want to be a good mother to you, Prairie, & Teela. Please continue watching over her and us.

Cylas, I love you son!!!!

Mommy

March 2, 2009

My Hearts Aching

Cylas,

My weekend hasn't been the greatest. I've been worried about Teela. She's your cousin and was born a day before your birthday. I kept her one night in January when her mom was beat up by her boyfriend and I fell in love with her. She's so precious and innocent!! Well now, it seems that her mom has decided to sign Teela and Shine over to their grandma. This has really bothered me since Friday. I just don't understand how Teela's mom could be so irresponsible. She doesn't understand how lucky she is to have two healthy children in her life. Here I am, wishing that I could hold you just one more time. I would give anything to have you back and there she is giving her kids away. I would love for Teela to come live with me and your sister. I would give all my love to Teela and she deserves to be loved. My heart is torn in so many directions right now. I want to do the right thing by you and I want to protect Teela, too!


I am thinking about asking Teela's mom to sign her over to me for good. I still have so much love to give and I long to have another child but with my current situation that's not going to happen. I know that you wouldn't mind if mommy got a new baby to love. Teela needs to have somebody love her and take care of her. I took care of you the best way I knew how and I was there for you right up until you left me. I just don't know how to go about asking this mother for her child. I don't know if it would be appreciated or IF it would make her realize that she needs to get her life in order. Cylas, I am not in no way trying to replace you or forget about you, but my heart is telling me that I can make a difference in this child's life. My heart is telling me to look through my grief and open up to another child who needs me just as much.

I only want to make you happy. I want you to be proud of your mom. I know there have been so many times before when I've probably let you down. I know that you want to go play and have fun with all your new friends but you can't because you worry about me. I will always love you. You are forever my child and I am thankful for what little time we had. I just hope that God will help me out. (God, I only want to give Teela the home that she'll probably never get if she stay with her mom. I want her to be safe and feel loved. God, please help me find the strength to ask Teela's mom if she would let me take care of Teela. )

Cylas, I know that you already have so much to do, but please watch over Teela and her brother Shine. Keep them safe until something can be figured out. Give me a sign letting me know that your alright with me getting Teela. All of this is still up in the air, but I am praying about it and I know that I could be a good substitute mom for Teela.

XOXOXO,
Mommy

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand