Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

October 29, 2010

EMOTIONAL

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!

October 25, 2010

34 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.

October 15, 2010

33 MONTHS

I remembered you today with a broken heart. I haven't held you in my arms since January 2008 and I still wish everyday that you were here with us. I also remembered all babies taken too soon!!! Today is the day to remember all of your angel friends. I need to find a candle to light tonight at 7 but even if I don't do that, I will still think about you and all your friends.

I still miss you so much. I can close my eyes and see your chubby cheeks and thick black hair. I remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. And I remember looking into your eyes each night as I fed you. I long to hold you in my arms. And to smell you smell again.

I LOVE YOU CYLAS (Taladu)!!!!!

October 14, 2010

I'M EARLY



TOMORROW IS THE DAY TO REMEMBER ALL BABIES LOST. I AM A LITTLE EARLY BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS POSTED.


KARRY: I REMEMBER JACK


LIZ: I REMEMBER ALIVIA


CHRISTINE: I REMEMBER OLIVE LUCY


SHANNON: I REMEMBER TRISTAN


KELLY: I REMEMBER REESE


SAMARIA: I REMEMBER SAIGE


MICHELLEY: I REMEMBER ALEXANDRA


BROOKE: I REMEMBER CADEN


SARA: I REMEMBER AUSTIN


DIV: I REMEMBER MIHIR


MAYDA: I REMEMBER LITTLE HAWK


MACHELE: I REMEMBER MACAYLA


MISTY: I REMEMBER JAY


BETH: I REMEMBER JOSHUA


^j^ I ALSO REMEMBER ALL THE NEW ANGELS AND THEIR FAMILIES THAT HAVE JOINED US IN RECENT MONTHS. ^j^

TOMORROW

Tomorrow is OCTOBER 15TH, please join me in remembering all babies who have died, including my son Cylas! You can do this by lighting a candle or even remembering to pray for someone you know who has lost a child. It's not something to be ashamed of and I for one am not ashamed! He was my son with those chubby cheeks and black hair. He was a baby brother to my daughter, he was a nephew, he was a cousin, and he was a grandson!! He was real and he was here! I will miss him forever but he will live on in my heart always!!

October 12, 2010

SHARING THIS WITH YOU...............






Cylas we survived Fair week. The new Kituwah Academy float placed 2nd this year, but it should have gotten first. AND your sister was named 1st Runner-up in the 2010 Little Miss Cherokee pageant. I am so proud of your sister. She did an outstanding job. She was carrying you with her every step of the way!!! I think thinking of you made her stay calm and confidant!!! She told me at one point that she was just thinking about you. It brought tears to my eyes to think about you missing yet another special event in our lives. But I'm glad she included you in her thoughts!!

And she's ready for next year!!!!

October 4, 2010

OCTOBER

October is always a busy month for our family, well maybe just the first full week, but it's still very busy. It's Fair week, time for some good food, rides and entertainment!! This will be your third missed Fair and I wish every year that you were here to enjoy to it. This year Big Sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee and her pageant is tomorrow and Wednesday night. She's been preparing but not as well as I would like for her too!! I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope she pulls it off. The parade will be tomorrow afternoon and then we'll straight to the fair grounds.

But October is also Breast Cancer Awareness and Domestic Violence Month and it makes me sad that there is no mention of October 15th!!! What about all the babies that are lost everyday? Don't they matter!!! I guess they only matter to the people that miss them the most, their families!!! I wish I could change that. I wish I knew that there was a way to spread the word out!! I put it out there on FACEBOOK, but it only reaches so many people.

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand