Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.
I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago