I know that I've been using your blog to post about other things. Here lately I haven't had anything to say. I send you messages everyday, letting you know that I haven't forgotten my special little boy. My thoughts are always of you, wondering and thinking about what might have been. Sometimes I feel like you've slipped too far away from my mind and I feel sad because I don't dream about you. When I do dream about you, which I've only done once, I wake up freaked out rather than relieved. In a dream I had a few months ago you were alive and you could talk. It was as if no time had passed in my life but you had changed, you were no longer a baby and you understood what was going on around you. I think you even told me that you were ok and that I didn't need worry because everything was going to be ok. Son, I know you are trying to ease my sorrow but I'd much rather have you here with me and your sisters.
I can't believe you are going to be 28 months old. I can't believe how much time I've missed. I see other little boys your age and automatically feel that sting in my heart. I can't even bring myself to shop for little boy toys or clothes. My friends little boy had a birthday and I couldn't even look at anything. I ended up getting him a gift card. I've noticed there are some things that are too difficult for me to do. I still don't act right around baby boys, I tend to keep my distance and only comment when "expected" to. I also still want a little boy and I really hope that you understand that I am in no way hoping to replace you. You will always be my Cylas! You will always and forever be my little boy. I've said it many times, when you made your trip to heaven a part of my heart was taken with you and that part is yours and yours alone. And I love the girls, I love each you with all my heart but the momma in me wants a boy. But that want might not ever happen because I don't plan on having more kids. I guess I'm hoping I get lucky and someone will give me their boy. It's a nice thought.
I've been very slack with the visiting but I've been going and going. Sometimes I feel like the energizer bunny, I feel like I never stop to smell the roses. I'm starting to get excited about moving into our house, FINALLY. I'm registered at Walmart and I'll probably register at a few other places too! I've got the funds to buy what's needed for a house, just haven't been looking. I've done price checks on TV's and beds but that's about it. I've been going on school trips with your Big Sis and I've been chasing the little one around, she goes and goes too! I am so tired at the end of the day it's not even funny. I'm also trying to get another vehicle. So as you can see I have alot on my plate. I am also trying to participate in a Fundraising Committee at your sister's school and I will be going on another school trip to the Knoxville Zoo next Thursday. I'm busy, busy. But once it slows down a little I will visit more often. I carry you in my heart 24-7 so just know that I have not forgotten you.
HAPPY 28 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!
Momma loves you & your sisters love you!!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago