Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

September 29, 2009

PICTURES OF MY ROAD


This is how the road looks leading up to my house site. It looked alot of worse, but I guess they'll fix it. I can get it paved soon after I move into my new house, but I don't know when that will be. I don't even think our house has been ordered yet. But this is all so very exciting. The only thing I'm dreading is having to buy my furniture. I've been asking people about where the best place is to get furniture. Because I'll have to buy everything, UGH!!!
I wanted you to see, Cylas.
Mommy

FOUNDATION is FINISHED








NOW WHAT'S NEXT..................... to be honest, I have no idea :).


GETTING READY..............

For the past three weeks me and other parents have been working feverishly on our float for the annual parade that kicks off our Fair, the first full week in October. I missed Float Prep last week due to your sisters being sick and all, so this week I have alot to do. I am the secretary for the Parent Group and I swear it's like my second job, just without pay. So I am in charge of sending out reminders, getting "forms" signed, and collecting anything else that might need to be collected.

There is also the small fact that our float has won first place for the last three years in a row. So of course, we would like to WIN again this year. I think our float will look really good once it's all put together, but right now it's in peices. Last year we had what we call a "Macy's Day Parade" float because it had tons of handmade paper flowers on it. And I mean TONS!!!!! That was hard work. There were about 5 mom's in charge of making those flowers and this year that was NOT an option. It turned out BEAUTIFUL, but that was alot of work.

Again, you will be missing the fair. You would be old enough to ride some rides and old enough to run off from me. I can't help but think about you everytime something comes up. It's hard. But I know that you are watching over each of us from up above and sometimes that brings me some comfort and sometimes it doesn't.

Our fair isn't always the greatest but it gives us something to do for 5 days (evenings) and it gives us a place to spend money, like we need to, HA!! I am hoping to get a picture of this year's float and posting it here. I had a picture of last years but I think I deleted it. But I want you to see what I've been working on. This helps me stay busy and keeps my mind off things, if you know what I mean.

Cylas, I love ya, and I always will!!!

Your MOMMY

September 28, 2009

HAPPY 21 MONTHS........4 days late


HAPPY 21 MONTHS CYLAS!!! I am four days late but I wasn't near a computer and your sisters were both sick, UGH!!!!

September 21, 2009

REMINDER (I HATE RAINY DAYS)

Cylas, I hate rainy days. They remind me of how much I'm missing you. No matter how I try to move forward, memories of you still flood my mind. Each day that passes is a reminder of what I'm missing. Each holiday is a reminder of what I'm missing. Each birthday reminds me of the changes you would have made every year. Every little boy I see, makes me wonder, would Cylas be doing that? They are the constant reminders, letting me know, that you are not here.

I hate rainy days because you are getting wet, and I have no control over the weather.

Missing you Always, Loving you Forever
Mommy

September 15, 2009

20 MONTH ANGEL-VARSARY

With everything going on, I still remembered your angel-varsary today. It amazes me sometimes. I feel like a much older woman with my memory being so bad and all. But I kind of figure I'm not ever going to forget the worse day in my life. I can't believe it's been 20 months already.

Cylas, you are loved and missed always!!!!!!

Mommy

September 14, 2009

Exclusive 'New Moon' Trailer Premiere

Exclusive 'New Moon' Trailer Premiere

OH BOO!!!!

Well, at least that's how I've felt all weekend. Friday did not go good at all. The hospital REFUSED to admit any wrong doing, but they did say you were given an EXCESSIVE amount of IV fluid, but that was about it. They know that we don't have money to fight this and it just pisses me off. I want to fight so hard for you. I want them to admit to more than the IV overload. I want them to pay for what they've done to you.

I let you down so much while you were here, and I only want to make it right. I want to fight my hardest for you. I feel so bad.


MOMMY

September 10, 2009

DREADING TOMORROW

Cylas, all I can think about is tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. What will I hear? I have a huge knot in my stomach, my head is hurting, and my heart is racing. I'm trying to keep only positive thoughts in head, but that is a battle within itself.

Please stay close to me through the night and until after the meeting tomorrow.

Mommy

September 9, 2009

COMPLETE PANIC

I was on my way to lunch and I received a text message from your grandma. And even though I have major issues with your so called "dad", your grandma was there for us and I know that she cares about you. Well, anywho, she texts me, telling me that she received an email for the LAWYER and he wants to meet with us ASAP. And of course my first thoughts are is it good or bad? Will there be more waiting or more fighting with the hospital? Will settling our case be enough? Is it time for that dreaded battle on the money? (I have no intention on letting your so called "dad" get his hands on any money received, if we get any at all. So I know that IS something he'll fight tooth and nail for.) He's so pathetic. You didn't matter to him until he realized there could be money involved.

I always dread the LAWYER meetings because I never know what to expect. So I have a huge knot right in the middle of my stomach right up until the meeting itself. I don't want to go into the meeting and hear "I'm sorry, they think they did nothing wrong in the care of your son." That's the one thing that could possibly damage me the most. I already feel like I didn't fight hard enough to save your life and this pending lawsuit would make me feel better if I knew we could win. But even that is up in the air. Time is running out, we have a time line to work with and with each passing month that time line gets smaller and smaller.

I hate this...........I hate not knowing...................I hate feeling this panic in my heart & mind................I hate it!!!!!!

Mommy

September 8, 2009

MORE PROGRESS







These pictures were taken on Saturday. They seem to be moving right along with the foundation for the house. Your sister is very excited and I am too!!!!

September 4, 2009

HOW BEAUTIFUL


As I was driving to work this morning I noticed the sky and how beautiful it looked. It reminded me of you. I may not feel you around me and I may think that I've totally lost any connection to you, but it's not true. I know that you and Jesus work on beautiful paintings in the sky, if I would only look up and take the time to notice. Even at night, I never realize how "Cylas star" is always standing alone. It's almost like your just yelling at me for some dang attention. You are the brightest star and sometimes I don't even pause to acknowledge it.

Thank you for all the signs Cylas. I am often so scatter brains, I don't even appreciate the beautiful things you create. You'll have to forgive me and just know that I truly love you with all my heart. I may feel like I am forgetting you, but that will never happen. You will always be a part of my life no matter what. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

MOMMY

I CALL IT PROGRESS....PART 2





More pictures of the house site. It's moving along quite nicely. My road is a mess right now, but I managed to get these new pics last night.

September 3, 2009

REAL QUICK


Missing you today........................................how I wish you were here.

September 1, 2009

I CALL IT PROGRESS


Yeah, that's what it is, it's progress. Finally after FIVE years I can say I am getting a house. Of course, your missing from my happiness, but I am finally going to be able to say I have a home for my kids and myself. I wanted my own place for so long and now that it's actually coming together I just feel relief. I plan on having a special spot just for you and the stuff I buy for you. I want to plant a tree in your memory. There are all kinds of wants but as always you are the one that I want.

I am getting a three bedroom modular and for now that's big enough. It's just me and your sisters and I know we will all be in my bedroom for a while. So three bedrooms is more than enough. But I don't have time to be picky and I don't think I would be. Here are a few pictures of PROGRESS...............(at the top) They are getting my site ready for the foundation.

Mommy

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand