I wish that number would get lower instead of higher. I've been having some awesome days but then this day, it seems to sneak up on me. It's not actually until tomorrow, but sometimes I can't always post from my blackberry. I was awake until 3 am this morning thinking about you and feeling bad all over again about things that I couldn't do for you. It really SUCKS this world of mine. I mean I am trying to move forward and be happy and I have been happy thanks to J and whatever it is that we have going on right now, but then I get knocked back into reality and realize that no matter how happy I might be, I will never be fully happy ever again. In a perfect world you would be here, growing up and running around chasing your sisters. And I know that it's never gonna happen. Were missing out on your life and your missing out on ours.
I can't believe it's been 28 months already though. All those awful memories are still so fresh in my head. You are a handsome little boy and if I had known that I wasn't getting a whole lot of time with you, you would have been in my bed and in my arms those two weeks you were actually at home. I would have spent every moment with you, I mean I did that, but I would have tried harder to let you know that Momma loves you. I think my biggest fear is that you didn't know how much I truly love you. I felt so guilty over so many things and I didn't get a chance to make that guilt go away. Now I have even more guilt and pain that I am dealing with and trying to make the best of it.
In my heart, I know you are happy and healthy in heaven. I know that I have nothing to worry about. You are probably an expert at flying by now and I am pretty sure you still play with all your angel friends. And I know that you are very helpful to those new angels that have arrived, you know showing them the ropes and making them feel at home. I know that I have my very own angel in heaven and I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and just squeeze you so tight you'll be squirming to get loose. I definitely can't wait to run my fingers through that hair of yours and pinch those chubby, chubby cheeks. You know I don't think I'll ever understand why I must go through the rest of my life without you but I will spend every minute carrying you in my heart and making sure your not forgotten!!
Mommy wants you to know that I love you very much!!!!! I miss you more than anyone knows!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago