Easter 2012


Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

July 31, 2008

Just a Little More Info.

Cylas was born on Christmas Eve. I had to deliever him by C-Section due to an placental abruption. He weighted 11lbs. & 8 ozs.. I didn't get to see him until Wednesday afternoon because they were afraid that I was too weak to make the trip to the NICU. I had lost a lot of blood and I just recently found out that the doctor didn't even expect Cylas to be alive, but he was.

Cylas spent a week in the hospital after his birth. He was having breathing problems and his oxygen levels kept falling. Even though I was released from the hospital and I was able to stay with him. However, I did go home on New Years Eve to spend time with his big sis, Prairie. The next morning I was ready to go back to the hospital and be with him. I knew that my daughter would be taken care of and at the time I wanted to make sure my son would be ok. But when I called to check on him I heard the best news ever, the Dr. told me that he could come home. I couldn't have been happier, I was finally going to have both my babes home with me.

He was home a little over 10 days before he got sick. On January 11th I started noticing that the area around his umbilical cord was swelling and it was draining some brown looking fluid. Fortunately he had a doctors appt. that morning so I just figured I could get some answers then and I continued to clean that area diligently. He was scheduled for a circumsion but the doctor wasn't able to finish it because there was a problem with the positioning of the opening on his penis. So instead, Cylas received a partial circumsion and would have to go see a surgeon like a week later. I felt so bad for him and if I had known that I wouldn't have put him through such torture. I did tell the doctor about his belly button and he proceeded to show me how to clean that area "correctly." He showed me what I had already been doing.

Well on January 12th at 5:30am I ended taking him to the emergency room. He wasn't eating and with each movement he would cry out in pain. After fussing with a nurse who refused to get his vitals, claiming he was too small, we waited for about 2 hours for him to be seen. The ER doctor came in and looked at him and asked questions, then she proceeded to call the pediatrician on call and that's when I really started wondering about how my baby. I knew that it meant something I didn't want to think about. It meant that he would be in the hospital again!! And I had just got him home so I didn't want him to spend more time in the hospital.

Dr. Nations ended up sending us to Mission Hospitals in Asheville. The doctors kept telling me that they didn't know what was wrong with him and they continued to do this until he died. They kept telling me that he had a skin infection and he was receiving like six different medications but there no change. On Monday, January 14th he turned 3 weeks old and they put a central line in his left shoulder because they were afraid his IV wouldn't last much longer before he kicked it out of his foot. That was when in my eyes they slowly started to "kill" my son. He returned from surgery at 1:30, and he was mad and hungry, but he wouldn't eat. The nurse that was on call asked the doctor what she do, and he ordered Cylas' IV fluids be upped to 75cc's an hour. I questioned that move and the nurse did say that it would only be for a little while. That little while turned into 10 hours.

Cylas went into the hospital weighing 11lbs 3 ozs and when he died his weight was 17lbs. 6ozs. Another doctor came in at 11:30 pm and ordered his IV fluids changed to 20 ccs and then 12ccs. By this time the damage had been done. All that fluid was just sitting in his system not making it's way out. They worked all night to try and get that extra fluid off of him but nothing worked. Cylas had a rough night (Jan. 14th)

On Jan. 15th, they worked with him again. This time they placed a catheter on him but his bladder was dry as a bone. And with that went my last hope for him. Around lunch time he was moved to the NICU, and they put him to sleep, his body and heart were having to work too hard while he was awake, and I never seen him with his eyes open again. His little arms were raised above his head, he couldn't eat, and he wasn't peeing by this time. He had gotten so big, it was just unbelieveable. I cried the whole time I was there with him.

At 7:00 PM we were informed that there was nothing more they could do for him. We were told that his organs would shut down and they could not do surgery to get some of the fluid off because he would bleed to death. He had lost his ability to clot. We were given the choice to take him off the respirator or just to let things happen naturally. We chose to let thing happen naturally. I just couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I could not be losing my little boy. I was in a complete daze and unable to stay in one place for long periods of time. I was devastated and felt so lost.

Cylas passed away at 9:10 PM and we were able to stay with him until the funeral home staff came to pick him up. Right after he passed I was at his side taking off all the patches and stickers. And I was rubbing his belly, feet and arms. At first I didn't want to hold him, but I am glad that I did. I would have probably never forgave myself if I didn't.
Cylas' funeral was on January 18, 2008 and his burial took place at my mom's family cemetery. He was buried by his great grandpa.


Tristansmommy said...

Oh Sarah this story just breaks my heart and makes me lose confidence in the medical teams that are here to save lives...... Your precious Cylas passed 6 days before Tristan, and I know they're running the fields of heaven and playing on the clouds as they watch over us.....

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I've followed your blog for awhile, but I never read the whole story as to why you lost Cylas. What a horrible, horrible story. I am so sorry. Have you ever thought about taking legal action?

PunkRockChic said...

I have followed your blog for awhile, but am just now reading what happened to your sweet baby boy. I am so sorry for what happened to him. I am heartbroken for you. Did you ever find out why he had so many complications toward the end? Was it because of too many IV fluids?

Anonymous said...

I hope Cylas likes this visitor :)

I'm so sorry about what you and yur baby have been through. I'll say for a prayer for him today. I'm sure you will unite again. Someday. Till then, love him just as much. He's watching.

God bless you all :)

Tava said...

So sad story :(


I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees



Unredeemed by SELAH


Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)



Every Breath You Take




I'll be Missing you







In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado


I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand