Here are some recent pictures of your sisters, Cylas. They are growing up on us!! The picture on top is T goofing off (she does this at every photo session & has to have at least one or two goofy pictures in the mix). Iwodi will be 10 next month.........I mean really 10!!! I can't get over how much she has grown. She has a gentle heart. I love all 3 of you with all my heart!!
Please continue watching over these two crazy girls.......they love and miss you so much!!!!
A few nights ago I was sleeping. I started dreaming. In that dream I was in a hospital setting. And Cylas was in a hospital bed. He was a little older...maybe 6 or 7 months...his hair was longer and he was laughing and playing around. But he was healthy....I was trying to take in this dream as much as I could.
Since Cylas has been gone which has been 6 years I've only dreamed about him one other time and that dream scared me to death...it was a dream that I wasn't ready for. But this dream I needed it.
Right before I woke up, I heard a voice (haven't figured out whose voice) say "He's doing good!!" As soon as I woke up I had a smile on my face and my heart felt so much lighter. I knew that was Cylas or maybe someone else letting me know that I didn't have to worry as much. Since that night I still feel so much lighter. My son IS ok!!
I will miss him forever that's not something that's easy to let go. I love him with my whole heart and he will always be my son.
So until the next time I receive a new message I will remember this one!! I will know that he is doing good!!! Cylas you are my angel!!!!
Trying to get better at keeping you updated. I just have a few things to report. Your sister was named 2nd runner up in the LMC pageant and she couldn't be happier. I was really hoping she would win but I guess her time will come. At least she's broken hearted this time around.
T had some dental surgery last week but did surprisingly well. Now she can't get over her "new" teeth, LOL. She's one crazy little chick.
I'm trying my best to stay of the deep dark pit..............last year wasn't easy for me. I truly believe it when they said the 5th year is the hardest. It was just so hard to get motivated to do anything. I'm hoping that this year will be a little easier. I was actually thinking about asking my family to make boxes for children who don't really have a Christmas and donate them in your honor. I did that last year and it helped a little. I just don't know how people would participate, you know. I always try so hard to keep it between me and your sisters..........I sometimes forget to include or ask anyone else. But I'm going to try my son.........I really am.
Your Nan and Pop are doing good. They keep themselves busy and I still spend my evenings at their house helping Nan cook and everything. I enjoy my time with them as much as I can.
Please come visit. I miss you so much............and these next 4 months are gonna be hard for me. I could really use a heavenly hug and an angel kiss from you!!!
Hey Cylas!! It's Mommy!! Just thought I was stop by and let you know that I love you very much and miss you more and more each day. The days have been a little better for me. We finally got your nana settled and she's made her own plans, so I don't feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders. I'm still sad that her future looks so bleak but right now all we can do is be there for her and support her. She's still mom and nana and we love her. Pop insists that he's ok...........for now but I do still worry about him.
Your sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee again...........wish her luck and watch over her up there. I hate seeing her heart broken when she doesn't win but she's brave enough to get out there in front of all those people....I'm proud of her. This will be her last year in this age group. It has been alot of work. I am trying to get all her sponsors lined up and it isn't easy. I've got to order her candy, her car magnets, and work on getting her outfits together. Whew!!!
Your little sister has started Pre-K and she loves it. She even rides the big bus to and from school. She looks so cute sitting on the porch with Pop waiting for the bus. I hate that she has to ride the bus alone but until Iwodi is done at New Kituwah they can't be in school together. I'm just relieved that she loves big school. Iwas worried about her. She is growing like a weed!!
But I am pretty sure you know what's going on. Your crazy sisters keep me going. These next few months will not be fun for me but I hope I am able to make it through in one piece. I hate thinking about your birthday. Sometimes I even lost in thought thinking your going to be a certain age only to remember your real age. Your going to be six this year and would have been in Kindergarten. I don't know what you want to be for Halloween.......I can only begin to imagine......maybe a ninja turtle or iron man.....I think you would make a very cute Ninja Turtle, LOL. I hope I don't get depressed this year. Last year was really hard for me. I try my best to stay busy but sometimes it doesnt help.
Continue watching over us from up there on your cloud. Send your some sister some good luck and maybe even help her win the title of Little Miss Cherokee!!! Watch over T and me as well. Visit your nan and pops as often as you can, They miss you too!! Tell everyone up there that I said Hello and that I love and miss them.
Baby Boy I am getting ready to head to the hospital and it's not a trip I've been looking forward to. Your Nana needs to make some tough decisions today and we have to be there with her. Of course this conversation is going to very hard and I pray for strength to make it through this session. I'm not ready to talk about your Nana dying and I have been trying to deal with this for the last few months. I've been hearing she's this sick or I need to make her do this or that and really I just want what's best for her. It has been so hard to accept that I can't change this.
I know that God has a plan and it's time to depend on him for guidance. Son, I have been trying very hard to do that. It's not easy. I've imagined keeping my mom and dad here forever and now that has been totally shot down. Even if it was a crazy thought. I love my parents. I don't know what kind of person I would have been if I had been given a different set of parents. God knew what he was doing. He blessed with the best parents in the world.
Cylas, please be with us today. Tell the others to be around us as well. We need to feel everyone's love!! Please watch over Nana and Pop!!!! The girls & I love & miss you so very much...........please keep us strong!!!!!
Cylas, It's Momma!! It's been awhile since my last post and I'm sorry for that. But you know that you are always on my mind 24-7. Even 5 years into this grief stuff nothing has changed. I still love and miss you just as much as I did right after you died. I'm still broken and have now realized that there will never be a normal for me or your sisters. There has been so much going on......and I'm pretty sure you know that too!! Life is so unfair and unpredictable. I'm still learning that I can't control a situation even though I want to so badly.
Your Nana isn't doing good. She's very sick and I'm very worried about her. She's my momma and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to her. I've had so many people coming at me with different conversations about what I should do or how I should do it..........and right now what I want does not even matter. Her Dementia & Alzheimer's are taking it's toll on her mind, her kidneys are taking a toll on her Body. There has been talk about Dialysis and she's so stubborn and set in her ways the answer has always been a firm "No"! These past few months I've felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.I see no resolutions in sight. It's so hard to explain stuff to her and then her actually remembering the converstaion is really difficult. In my heart of hearts, I want to do everything I can to keep her here, I mean who wouldn't. But right now, the decisions need to be made by her and that's so hard to accept. I mean I guess right now I'm praying for a miracle...............it's the same prayer that I prayed for you.....it's a prayer asking God to please make her better!! That's what Uncle Junebug is doing but I also know that he's falling apart inside. It's different for me....I fall apart when I'm alone...I fall apart on my drive to work....I fall apart everytime I think about this situation. The only relief I feel is when I think about you and Nana reuniting in Heaven!!!! She'll be so happy to see you!!! I hope that you give her a great big hug and tell her stories about your time there. She will be healed and no longer hurting so she'll be able to run and play with you.
Cylas, please watch over all us. These next few months are going to be very difficult not just for me but for everyone. Go visit Pops...............I worry about him the most. He misses you a lot!! And then visit your Sisters. Nana will do anything for her grandbabies and they know it. Losing her is going to be hard on them. Watch over Nana, keep her safe, ask God to please make this process easy for her. Tell him that she's a good woman and best mom/Nana ever. Tell him to take care of her.
Lastly, when you have a chance......come visit with your momma. I could really use some Cylas Lovin' right about now. I miss you sweet boy!!!
I can't believe that today at 5:28 pm it will be 2 weeks since Aunt Martha passed away. Nana still can't believe she's gone, Preacher is still sad that her gamma is in Heaven & P is having a hard time with it as well. No matter what I say I know that my words will never take their pain away. I miss Martha too but I also know that she's in Heaven with you and that has given me some comfort. You and Martha will now get to know each other.
Please continue watching over us!! It's still hard to deal with this great loss and I know that it will take some time.
I think of you often and make no outward show, But what it means to lose you, no one will ever know You wished no one farewell, not even said good-bye, You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. You are not forgotten nor will you ever be, As long as life and memories last, I will remember thee. To some you may be forgotten, to others a part of the past, But to me who loved you dearly, your memories will always last. Nothing can be more beautiful than the memories I have of you. To me, you were someone special, God must have thought so too! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk all the way to Heaven, and bring you back again.
I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees Around the world below, With the all the lights like heaven's stars Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular Please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I hear the many Christmas songs That people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you The joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me I see the pain inside your heart, But I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I can not tell you of the splendor Or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine Christmas? With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit As I tell HIM of your love, So then pray one for another As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful And let your spirit sing, For I am spending Christmas in heaven And I am walking with the King!!!
20 Things I wish you would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.
13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?