She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it
Cylas' Angel Wings
Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thank you Crystal
May 5, 2010
Cylas, my heart is breaking right now. I just talked to my cousin Linda. She lost her son last June to an overdose. He left behind twin boys. Their names are Andrae and Bryan and they will be turning 4 in September. They are so young to already be without a daddy. I wish that he had made better decisions than he did, but I guess it was in God's plans.
These two little boys miss their dad so much. They don't understand why he's not coming back and when they get mad at their mom or Mamaw they tell them to call their dad to come get them. Andrae was staying with his Mamaw the other day and he told her he wanted the angels to come and take him away so he could be with his daddy. She talked to him and told him that it may be a while before angels come for him. She told him that he may be 50 years old before the angels need him in Heaven. She said but until then you need to stay here and when it's time for you to go then the angels will come get you and take you right to your daddy. As she was telling me this tears streamed down my cheeks. I hate to see or even hear of kids being in so much pain. Because there's really nothing that can you say to make them feel better.
Unfortunately, those boys don't get that at home with their mom and her boyfriend. If the boys bring up their dad they change the subject. I can't say for sure if this is healthy or not. I know that after losing you, I wanted to completely shut down and not talk to anyone, but your sister was the one who kept asking questions. She wanted to know what happened and she wanted to know why you were not coming home. She had these exact same questions and even though they were hard to answer I did the best that I could and I continue to do that today. If she wants to talk about you, then we talk about you. And if we end up crying, then that's alright too! I think that the boy's mom should take some time to talk to them or find someone who will talk to them. Little kids need an outlet too! If they feel like they don't have one then their behavior could change.
Their Mamaw also keeps pictures of her son up all over her house. She told the boys that by having those pictures it allows their dad the oppurtunity to see them. And that's very good to. I know many times I sit in my room and talk to your picture. I trace over your features and fall in love all over again with my handsome little boy! I think the Mamaw is doing a very good job with helping these little boys. But she needs some help. I can only pray and ask God to send them some comfort. I don't get to see these boys but that doesn't mean that I don't love them or care about them.
Cylas, I know that I ask you to do many things from your little cloud in heaven, but you can drop all that and visit these little boys, your cousins. Let them know that their daddy is always around even if they see him. I know Andrew and he wouldn't want his boys hurting so much. Give them some peace and let them know that their going to be ok. You are a good angel and you've helped momma and your sister so much. I love you with all my heart!!!!!
I think of you often and make no outward show, But what it means to lose you, no one will ever know You wished no one farewell, not even said good-bye, You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. You are not forgotten nor will you ever be, As long as life and memories last, I will remember thee. To some you may be forgotten, to others a part of the past, But to me who loved you dearly, your memories will always last. Nothing can be more beautiful than the memories I have of you. To me, you were someone special, God must have thought so too! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk all the way to Heaven, and bring you back again.
I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees Around the world below, With the all the lights like heaven's stars Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular Please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I hear the many Christmas songs That people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you The joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me I see the pain inside your heart, But I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I can not tell you of the splendor Or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine Christmas? With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit As I tell HIM of your love, So then pray one for another As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful And let your spirit sing, For I am spending Christmas in heaven And I am walking with the King!!!
20 Things I wish you would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.
13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?