HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY!!!

Hey, son, this visit is a little late and I apologize for that. For some reason this birthday has been extremely hard! I can't explain why but it just is. I'm really hard on myself this time around. I haven't had a chance to go put your flower's on your grave and I didn't get a chance to buy you any toys. I know your angelvarsary is coming up next month and all I feel is dread!! I dread January as much as I dread December. I will make my way to see you I promise you that. I can't believe you are 4 years old. Just thinking about missing out on 4 years of your life blows my mind. I feel so robbed!!! Robbed of precious moments and times with you. I miss the hugs and kisses I could be receiving from you and I miss the sibling rivalry that I know would exist between you and your sisters!! I just miss you all together!! You are my baby boy and you mean the world to me!!

I hope you enjoyed your balloons! We sent you 30 of them and I hope you shared with all your angel friends too! Your sisters and a friend helped get your balloons ready. Before we let them go we sang "Happy Birthday" to you!! It was a real sweet moment. Always nice to share you with family and friends. We ate some ice cream cake in honor of you and T's birthdays. That's always good!! The wish lanterns didn't do as good. There needed to be more wind!! :( I'll post pictures later. I'm posting from my phone and its kind of difficult to post from a phone.

Cylas you are always on my mind. I'm always wondering what I'm missing out on. I hate it when someone tells me to move on or get over it, Excuse me, but he's my son. I carried him in my womb, I felt his first moments, that's a bond that goes unbroken whether he's here or not. I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my precious little boy!!!!

Love,
MOMMY

ANGELVARSARY #47

Yesterday was your angelvarsary. I can't believe it's almost 4 years since you've been gone. I love you Cylas!! I miss you more than you know.

Love you Baby boy!!!!

NEW PICTURES

These were taken over the weekend. They turned out great!!!! Enjoy them Cylas, we love you!!!!

THANK YOU!!!

I just wanted to take some time to say "thank you, Cylas!" Baby Curren Rush McCoy made it into the world safe and sound. And I know that you were there helping the little guy out. He was 7 lbs. 13 ozs. I am so relieved that he's here. I can't wait to meet him and give him some love. I'm a proud "Auntie"!!! I'm also relieved that his due date was moved up. I don't think I could have been this excited if he came around Christmas.

Your 4th birthday is 16 days away. Can it really be that your turning 4? Time flies even when it feels like time has stopped. We've got Christmas Pictures coming up this weekend and I wish you could be here for them. I wish you could be here for alot of things. Your big sister is very good about not letting me forget that you are there, just in a different way!!! I'm sure if we'll use Cylas Bear or Stripes for this picture. I think I'll let sister make that decision. She's the one who has to hold him.

Please continue to watch over uncle as he continues to heal from his surgery!!! And as always stay close to your sisters and me. We need that more than you know!!!!

Love you Cylas Mychal with all my heart!!!!!

IN MY THOUGHTS

As time ticks by and gets closer to your 4th birthday, my heart is heavy and sad. Instead of planning a party I'm thinking about what color baloons I'm sending to you this year. And as always your big sister is very instrumental in helping make those decisions. Most of the time we do what she wants to do because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She always wants to send some cards to you and a wish lantern or two!! My heart still aches for you everyday and my grief is still very real. I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again but I am trying.

On a very happy note, I'm going to be an "auntie" and I am trying to be very excited. Well I am excited. My best friend will be induced on Wednesday and little Curren should be making his entrance on Thursday. Today I bought baby boy clothes for the first time since you've been gone. It felt very weird but right at the same time.

Be looking for our birthday celebration to come your way on December 24th. We love you with all our hearts Cylas!!!!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS

Cylas, your "dad" is actually trying to be nice and he wants to work on our "friend" relationship. I've been so bitter and angry at him for so long its a change to actually be friendly with him. I'm moving forward very cautiously in this endeavor but I want your sister to be happy too!! She always seems to be happiest when her dad and I are communicating. He's got ANOTHER new girlfriend and swears he's done with wife #2 but he's said that before, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. I just don't know if I'm willing to be open with him again. I like not having to share certain things with him.

He keeps telling me that he's happy for me because I have J in my life but it makes me wonder what he's got up his sleeves. I may even be crazy to open up to him again. I've kept him out for so long and I kind of want to keep it that way. I guess we'll just have to see where this leads us.

On another note, I love and miss you little man, always!!!!!

IT'S ALREADY STARTED

I've been feeling it coming on for a while now. But I feel the DREAD and I can feel the SADNESS headed my way. The last couple of years I've managed to keep my head above the water and I've managed to stay pretty positive. But I can feel it coming and it scares me. It always starts in October and doesn't end until well into February. Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas are always the hardest holidays for me. They are all family oriented and I have a broken family or a missing link I guess you could say; YOU!!! I don't know how I've managed to make this far but I have. It just reminds me of the pain that I still feel and the emptiness that still settles into my heart. Everyone around me knows why I am the way that I am and they try to understand where I'm coming from but I know that they will never fully understand what I'm feeling. I just want to go hide under a rock and let these next few months just pass by without incident.

Everytime I hold Cylas Bear in my arms I cry!! He fills my empty arms but holding the bear takes me back to the night I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home. The young man carried in a basket. I dreaded seeing him coming down the hall because I knew it would be the last time I seen you until the services. I had spent my time holding and rocking you, as if to sooth the pain that I felt. When he arrived at the door of the room I knew what I had to do. I wanted to run!! He stood there looking somber, without words. My family was there and someone said "it's time." I slowly stood up and walked towards the man, holding you in my arms. I was taking in every second I had. I was taking in the smell of you (you were just given a bath). When I finally made it I looked at him and I asked him if I could lay you in the basket, and he said yes. So I fixed your blanket. I made sure it was snug and I kissed your forehead and laid you in the basket. I had tears rolling my face. I gave him some tissue and asked him to keep your nose wiped (because it had been running). He said that he would but how do I know he followed through on that promise, really! He slowly turned and walked away. I watched until he turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That night is so fresh, it's a dreaded memory but it's a memory of you and it's one that I don't ever want to forget. I want to hang to my memories forever.

Please stay close to us Cylas! These next few months are gonna be hard.

ANGELVARSARY #45 and REMEMBERANCE DAY

Today was angelvarsary #45 for you Cylas!! And it was also the day to remember all babies gone too soon! Before I lost you I was ignorant to that part of the world around me. I didn't think I could or would lose a child and now my eyes have been open to a world of grief and unconditional love. I have met so many women who know the same grief that I do. They don't ever judge me or tell me that I need to move on or get over it. And that makes it feel so good. I know that your in a better place and I know that I will see you again someday but that doesn't ease the pain that I feel in my heart and it doesn't fill my empty arms. My life will never be the same. I will never view a pregnancy in the same way. I will never believe that a baby is safe after 13 weeks. That reality has been forever changed for me.

So today as I remember you with love I also sit here and remember all the friends that you have up there heaven. I remember Jack, Olive Lucy, Alexandria, Tristan. Chase, Blayze, Cadeau, Conner, Austin, Jay, Pierce, Dylan. Valentina, Little Bee, Reese, Layla, Cora, and there are many others that I can't remember but I hold each of them and their families in my heart. They have become a part of me because I have become friends with their parents. We share this burden together! We carry each other in our hearts. And we support each other through all the ups and downs!!

Cylas you have been remembered by so many people today. I hope you can feel the love that has been sent up to you on angel wings!! You have not been forgotten and that is a great accomplishment on my part. I refuse to let you be forgotten. I refuse to stop being your mommy!! I love you and carry you in my heart, today and tomorrow, and forever until we meet again!!

I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

I received my Cylas Bear yesterday and it was the best surprise I've received in a long time.

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

SHE DIDN'T WIN

Well Cylas you have a very disappointed big sister today. Last night was the last night of sisters pageant and she didn't even place!!! I'm very sad for her. She's trying to be so strong (she hasn't even cried) but I know she's heart broken. I wish that I knew how to take her pain away but I can't. She will get through this. She's a very strong little girl so I know she'll be fine. Please stay extra close to her. She could use some love from hr little brother. I can only hope her spirits can be lifted again.

I don't know if she will try again and if she doesn't she will always be my Cherokee Princess and #1 in my heart.

CONTESTANT #5

I just wanted to share more pictures with you. Your sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee again this year and these are the photos that were taken at the Banquet on Tuesday, September 26th. I think she's ready!!! Her pageant will be held on Tuesday, October 4 & Wednesday, October 5th. Please be with her and watch over her as she embarks on this endeavor. Let her know that baby brother is there, Ok!!!! I wish you could be here for all the festivities!! Next week is going to be fun and tiring!!!!

Love you Cylas Man!!!!

45 Months Old

On Saturday your turned 45 months old!!! It's hard to believe but it has happened. You are loved and missed everyday!!!

ANGELVARSARY #44

From January 15, 2008 to Now (September 15, 2011) you have been gone for 44 months. There are times I can barely wrap my mind and heart around that. It still feels like everything just happened yesterday. It's hard to believe that heaven has actually held you longer than I ever did (and I did that alot while you were here.) There was always a part me telling myself that I better enjoy you while I can but I didn't understand that feeling until the day you died and I could only hold you for a little while before I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home staff that came to pick you up. Letting you go knowing that would be the last time I ever held you was heartbreaking.

I'm having sleepless nights again. I wish I could explain why. Yesterday we were out riding around and P looked up in the sky and saw a cloud shaped like a heart! She said "look mom, that cloud looks like a heart!! Do you think it's Cylas telling us he loves us?" And I said, "it could be." She's been missing you and talking about you too!! And Boss will look at your picture and say "brother's in heaven." Over time its gotten easier but there are still times I cry and cry.

You are still very much a part of our lives. We miss you. We love you. We all wish that you could have stayed.

FOR YOU

Sorry it turned out so small. But I wanted to share this picture with you. This picture was taken yesterday at practice for the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant. I think it turned out really good. Your big sister has always been very photogenic. She's getting so big. I love her, you, and Boss very much. You guys are my life.

44 MONTHS OLD

Today you are 44 months old!!!


Thinking about you today with much love!!!!

RANDOMNESS

Last night my mind was filled with thoughts of you little man. I wasn't sad or feeling down, you were just there. And often times thats how it goes. I've been having some great days. I'm dealing with alot but its not anything that I can't handle. Your big sister is a 2nd grader, Boss is still out of school and her arm is out of the cast, and I'm a busy momma to two beautiful little girls, but I want to be a busy momma to 3 kids that includes a handsome son!!! J and I are going through some growing pains. He's started school and goes at night 4 times a week (sometimes 5). His job has him working out of town this week so I'm not seeing a whole lot of him right now. We've been together for 15 months and it's been great. We don't ever fight, I might try and pout on him but he doesn't let it get to him. He let's me do what I got to do and then he'll ask "are you finished?" I can be in awfulliest mood ever and it all goes away when he comes around or when I hear from him. He has a calming effect over me which is something that I probably need. I love him and would love to spend more time with him. I would even go as far as saying marrying him but then I know that it wouldn't be for the right reasons. But I am ready and missing the wifey thing I just don't know if and when it will happen. I don't want a big wedding. I want to pack up the girls and go away for a weekend and come back a Mrs.!!!! But I think he's still trying to find himself and make his way professionally. If it's meant for us to be together forever it will happen............or it won't.

I suppose I'm happy being his baby!! It took so long for me to open to up to him. The Ex did a number on me and I'm moving forward cautiously. I think its a good idea to go slow and let him do what he feels he has to do. I want to support him and be there for him because I know its what he needs. Just help me make it through these next few months. J knows about you, he knows about everything......the good and the bad.  I haven't taken him to your grave, its not time. But he does know about you. He knows that you were not wanted by your so called "dad" and he knows that it hasn't been easy for me. I've picked up the peices of my life. The kinks need to be worked out but I know that one day they will be. I want happily ever after but can that happen? You have a peice of my heart that can never be filled again here on earth. I might get my knight in shining armor but there's no guarantee it will be forever, forever is just a word and it terrifies me. I thought I had my forever once before and it all ended it a moment. I'm treading lightly.

Your uncle sent me a text last night letting me know that he finally set your headstone from your grandpa Alvin. So in all you have 3 headstones. One that was FREE from the so called "dad", the one that I bought, and now the one from Alvin. All that means to me is that you are a special little boy who was loved by a grandpa who didn't have to be. He was not a part of your "dad's" life or Priss' life (which I regret everyday) but when it mattered the most he was there for you. I'll have to make my way up there and see it. I still haven't placed the new flowers or new solar lights so I definitely have to go see you SOON!!! You are my special little boy and I love you with all my heart. I miss you more than anything. On Wednesday, August 24th you will 44 months old. I have two friends having little boys (in October & December). I don't know how to act. I want to be happy for them but yet I'm jealous and angry because they are getting their boys and I don't have mine anymore. The October baby shouldn't be too hard but the December due date is gonna kill me because it's right around your birthday. Christmas already sucks and now I don't know how it's going to be. I want my friends to have healthy little boys but I also want a little boy. I want you!!!! I'll just have to put on my big panties, hold my head up high, and grin and bear it!!!

Sorry to come on here and dump all this stuff on you. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!! God Speed!!!!
Mommy

ANGELVARSARY # 43

Can it already be 43 months? I guess so. It doesn't seem like it sometimes but time passes so fast. There are many times I wish I was able to turn back time or even stop it but I know I can't. 4 years is coming fast!!! I miss you little guy and I love you!!!!

LOTS GOING ON

Hey Cylas!!

I hope you are doing good in heaven. I miss you and love you very much. It has been a very busy week. Your older Sister started school this week and she's a big ole 2nd grader!!! I can't believe how fast she's growing up. There are days I wish she was a little baby again. She's running in the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant again this year and it's very hard to prep for that. She'll have practice every Monday until October 4 and then the pageant will take place. There are alot of thing to get together so I will be very busy from here on out. And then Little Sister will get her pins and cast taken off her arm on Tuesday. I am relieved the cast is coming off but I am very worried about the aftermath. She already hates going to the doctor I can't imagine how the physcial therapy will be for her. Please keep an eye on her and help her make it through all this. Once the cast is removed she should be able to go back to school. Which will be a good thing because she is wearing your Nana out!!!

I am ready for the weekend, I just wish there was an extra day!!! On Monday you will have an Angelvarsary. I used to dread those days but now if I miss one I feel so guilty. You deserve to be celebrated!!!

Love,
Mommy

WEIGHT LOSS

I have been trying to lose weight since I lost you and I've been doing pretty good. I've lost about 40 lbs but I've kind of plateaued. I've been the same weight now for about two months. No changes and no gaining. I guess that's good but I'd much rather be losing the pounds.I am in the process of getting a treadmill, it's just too hot to be outside walking and I feel like I would do better in my house.And I've also found a workout that I actually like doing: ZUMBA!!! Who would have thought that it would be something that I actually like. I've been using the Wii but yesterday I purchased some Zumba DVD's and I can't wait until they come in. I want to be here to watch your sisters grow up.

I'm going to continue working on losing weight. I do feel so much better since I've lost what I lost. I can really feel the difference and it makes me feel so good. I want to be someone you can be proud of. I love you Cylas and think about you every day!!! You are my sweet boy!!!!

Love,
Mommy

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Hey Little Guy!!

Momma is having a rough week. I've had more than my share of sleepless nights. And last night was no different. I don't think I fell asleep until 3 last night and now I am feeling it. I don't know why I am not able to sleep. And then even with being so tired I still can't sleep the next night.

I have so much on my mind so I guess that's what I can blame for me not being able to sleep. So if you could, please send the sand man my way tonight!!

Love you Cylas!!!

43 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday you turned 43 months old. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that number!!! I dreaded the single digits and now its double digits and its just unbelieveable!! This is my "normal". I was told early on that I needed to forget one or the other meaning I should either remember the day you were born or remember the day you died. How do you do that? How is that even right? I don't want to forget anything when it comes to you, Cylas!! Whether its a good or bad memory I want to remember it!!! Those memories make you real, they give meaning to my pain, and they allow me the oppurtunity to talk my precious little boy who had the pudgy face and dark eyes. It still hurts at times to talk about you and I find myself telling people that I still wish you were here and that you would come back.

The song "If heaven wasn't so far away" fits into my life so well. I do wish that heaven was just right outside my door so I could see you and hold you again. I wish it was close so you could still have playdates with your sisters. They both talk about you and they love to see your pictures. I continue to miss you more and more and I send my love to you each and every night. But that doesn't take the place of the hole I have in my heart. And it doesn't replace the hugs and kisses that I could be giving you. You are not in my arms and it's where you should be, its where I want you to be!!!! I have some new flowers and new solar lights for your grave just haven't had time to go put them up there. It's not that I don't want to; I just don't like feeling so empty and sad when I leave.

Happy 43 months in heaven Baby Boy!!! Momma loves you more than anyone could ever know or understand. And I long to hear your little voice say "loves you, mommy!!"

Mommy

ANGELVARSARY #42

On Friday, July 15th  it was 42 months since I last held my handsome little man!!! The time has passed but the pain still remains so real. I've had so much going on the last few weeks it's not even funny!! Boss is hurt and has had to have surgery. Iwodi is a busy little bee and her summer break is winding down and she's had very little break since she's in summer camp. I've been placed in the middle of a family argument and I am trying to keep the peace; to no avail!!! Cylas your family is crazy right now!! Please watch over all of us and keep us safe. Help the little family argument go away so our family can get back together again.

Your uncle finally picked up your headstone from your grandpa's widow. It's taken about 3 years to get it. I haven't even seen it but I am just happy your grandpa thought about you before he passed. You are going to be a special little boy because you have two headstones. They were both purchased by the people who love you the most!!!

I love and miss you very much!!! Please stay close to us!!!

LOVE,
MOM

UPDATED BLOG AND UPDATED POST

Its been a while since I last updated this blog. So I gave it a make over, I hope you like it. Also since I last posted things have gotten back to normal, well as normal as it's ever going to get. J and I were able to talk about some things and we are back together. We need to communicate a little bit better and I think everything will be alright. He's getting ready to go back to school in the Fall and he's worried about how our relationship will fair during this time. I am willing to stand beside him no matter what. I will support him no matter what he decides to do. He did the same thing for me when I started taking the CNA class and I want to offer him the same thing. So for now we are doing good.

Your sisters got some pictures made over the weekend and they turned out pretty good. I will post some pictures a little later. Maybe after I type this up. They are doing good. Iwodi started day camp this week and Boss is getting ready to get moved to another Day care and I hope she adjusts to a new place. Watch over both of them!!! (New pictures are included!!)

I had a hard time a few nights ago. I was thinking about the day you were born and all the feelings just came rushing back. I miss you so much!! I really wish you were here with us. I know that we would have had so much fun. I would love to have a little bit of boy stuff mixed in with all the girl stuff that goes on. I would love to see you wrestling with Iwodi and Boss. I love you baby boy!!!

Mommy

TOUGH WEEK (ALREADY!!)

It just Wednesday and I already feel like I've been to hell and back!!! Mother's day was rough. I was missing you and I wanted to feel your little arms wrap around my legs and hear you say "I love you, mommy!" I think that will be something I will always miss. I will always long to hold you in my arms. The hurt will always still be so fresh in my memory. I love you Cylas and I hope that you know that.

On Monday night my world fell apart again..............J and I are no longer together. And it seems like he's totally shutting me out!! He said that he needed some time to himself and I didn't fight him on it but now I'm wishing I did. He's battled depression in the past and I want to be there for him. I may not know all the details but I know that it can't be good to shut everybody out!!! I've been trying to find some peace and maybe even wrap my head around this whole thing. But right now I just want to disappear and hide. Every song and everything in my house reminds me of him because he helped me move in and put stuff together. I want to be there for him and I've tried to reach out but I haven't gotten a response. Today his truck wasn't in it's normal spot so of course I'm worried about him. I want to know if he's alright. All I can do is pray for him and continue to let him know that I will be here for him. He told me that he loves me more than anything and I want to hang on to that but I just don't know how long I can do it. I've already been hurt once before and it was really hard to open my heart to him but I did. I'm totally lost and I don't know when I'll be ok. Right now I just cry at any given moment. I miss him!!! Please tell God to help him!!

I hate to come on your blog and put all of this out there but I don't like to talk so I write. Cylas losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I know that the pain will pass but I want to put a rush on it so I can get back to normal, whatever that means!! There is nothing normal about my life anymore. But I want to be that strong woman again not this cry baby I've become. Watch over J. I know that you don't know him but he knows about you. And as always continue to be with us too!!

Love you very much, Mr. Cylas Man!!!!
Mommy

MOTHER'S DAY 2011

I woke up to two beautiful girls just waiting to tell me "Happy Mother's Day!! I love or I loves you!!" and it was so wonderful to hear. But as the day passed by it became very clear to me that another little voice was missing from this special day. I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks because I knew that there was a little man missing from my life. I will never hear him say "mommy I love you!" and it cuts like a knife!!

I was blessed to have him in my life for 3 weeks and I tried my best to be the BEST mom he could have ever had. He's been in heaven for 3 years but the pain and heartache is still very true and real. I am a broken mother who continues to heal daily. I love all 3 of my beautiful babies!!! I am very happy and blessed to be their mommy!!!

Cylas you are forever in my heart!!!!

39 MONTHS AND A SONG

Wow it's been 39 months since I've held you in my arms and kissed your forehead. It's so hard to believe that so much time has passed. I've recently heard a song called "If Heaven Wasn't so Far Away" and it talks about what the singer would do if there was a way to go to heaven. When I first heard the song I cried. My mind was consumed of thoughts of you and how badly I want to see you again. It would be so hard to come back, come back to a place you are not. But it would be so nice to sit and talk about your days in heaven and to see you play with your sisters. That's all I really want is for us to be together again. You are the missing piece in my little family and I want you to be here for all the special events and birthdays.

Cylas I miss you more and more everyday!!! I love you!!!!
Mommy

JUST ONE MORE DAY.............

Oh my goodness!! Tomorrow your big sister will be 7!!! I can't believe it!! She has gotten so tall over the last few months. In the pictures above one is current and the other is when she was 3 months old. You and her looked so much alike. You both had those chubby cheeks that I loved so much!!!

Please be close to your sister today and tomorrow. She needs to feel you close to her. Send her tons of love and angel hugs.

39 MONTHS

Yesterday you turned 39 months old. In reality you would be a little man but in my heart you are still that precious little boy with those chubby cheeks. And I think if you were still here I would have changed your indian name to Ki-yu-ga which means chipmunk instead of Ta-la-du. Don't ask me why though.

Your big sister is getting ready to turn 7 in a little over a week and I can't believe how time flies!

We love and miss you Cylas!!! We carry you forever in our hearts!!!

Love,
Mommy

38 MONTHS & ST. PATRICK'S DAY

SORRY I DIDN'T POST ANYTHING ON TUESDAY. BUT I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE NEVER TOO FAR FROM HEART AND SOUL. YOU ARE A PART OF ME AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. MY MIND HAS BEEN SCATTERED THIS WEEK. I MEAN I EVEN THOUGHT MONDAY WAS ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT BUT THAT'S HOW MY WEEK'S BEEN.

I WANTED TO SAY HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!! I HOPE YOU ARE DOING OK. YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED BY ME AND YOUR SISTER'S. MISS PRISS CRIED FOR YOU THE OTHER DAY. SHE WAS FEELING BAD ABOUT YOU NOT BEING HERE FOR THE PICTURES WE GOT TAKEN ON SUNDAY. WE TOOK A SPECIAL PICTURE WITH THE GRAND BABIES AND SHE REALLY WANTED YOU HERE FOR THOSE. BUT YOU LEFT A GREAT REPLACEMENT! STRIPES IS VERY PHOTO GENETIC!!!! WE ALL MISS YOU NOT BEING HERE FOR CERTAIN THINGS. ITS JUST SO HARD KNOWING THAT WE WILL SEE YOU CHANGE OVER THE YEARS. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL OR WATCH YOU LEAVE FOR COLLEGE.

WE ARE MAKING IT. WE DO REALLY GOOD BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR MOMENTS. I WILL POST THE PICTURES AS SOON AS I GET THE CD. I WAS SUPPOSE TO PUT THE CHRISTMAS PICTURES ON HERE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THE CD. HOPEFULLY IT WILL TURN UP AND THEN I CAN POST THEM.

CYLAS MOMMY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHIN'

Hello Cylas,

Momma has apparently gotten lazy!! There is really no excuse except that I've been so very tired!!!! Since I've started taking CNA classes in January I've been dragging and having a hard time getting up in the morning time. So I have no motivation to do anything but sleep!! But I've got to keep thinking that I only have 8 more weeks of class left and I'll be done. I don't like having class so late at night because I miss time with your sisters but I also know that they are both well taken care of.

I'm getting ready to go to a new dentist and I'm a little nervous about that because Momma doesn't like going to the dentist. And it looks like 3 of my wisdom teeth need to come out and the last one could be saved but the tooth in front of it needs to be taken out. I am so not lookin' forward to that. But the dentist that I'm going to is a dentist that uses sedation and that is what I need because I get so nervous and scared. I go for a consultation this coming Tuesday in Asheville @ 2:40. Please stay close to your momma ok!!!

Other than the stuff I've mentioned there is not a whole lot going on. Your sisters are doing good. They are getting big and turning into some wonderful characters. They both talk about you from time to time. Last night Boss said that you were in heaven!! So she knows, not quite sure she understands just yet but at least she knows. I will be getting their pictures taken on Sunday and I can't wait. We will take Stripes to represent you. I also want to get a good "grand children" picture taken for your Nan and Pop. I want that one to be a surprise. I hope I can pull it off.

You are our angel and we carry you with us everywhere we go!!! Cylas we love you very much!!!

MOM

38 MONTHS OLD

My Little Man would have been 38 months old today!! Can you imagine how much fun he would have been at this age? I sure can!! I know what I'm missing out on!! (♥CYLAS, mommy loves and misses you so very much!!♥) I'm sending you my love on angel wings!!!!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY & 37 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to a handsome little man with the gorgeous eyes and chubby cheeks!!! Mommy loves and misses you very much!!! Tomorrow will be 37 months since I've said goodbye to you and it never gets easier but I keep moving forward knowing that I'll get to see you again one day!! I am sending you my love (not just today but everyday) and I hope you feel it up there while your sitting on the clouds!!!!

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!!!
MOMMY

IT'S YOUR 3RD ANGELVARSARY

As I try and think about the 3 years that have passed its so hard to believe its been that long since I've held you in my arms! I pulled out your diaper bag and looked at all the clothes I saved. I miss you so much and still want you back! I wonder what you would be like. I long to hear your laughter and to hear you say "I love you, mom!" I know that you would have been a good little boy, full of fun and laughter! I want my little boy here with me so bad!

I didn't get a chance to go visit your grave because of the weather but as soon as it clears up and gets pretty I'll go straight up there!!

I miss you and love you very much, Cylas!!

Mommy

UGH!!

I am so ready for spring time Cylas. Your sisters and I have been at Nan and Pop's for the last week because of the Stinkin' Snow!! We can't make it to our house because we about 10 to 12" of snow again! I never thought I would ever be so eager to be home! But I'm missing the comfort of my home, my bed, and my satellite TV!

I want to get you some new flowers for your Angelvarsary but with all this snow I don't know if I can make it to your grave. I can't believe its gonna be 3 years since I lost you! Time has gone by so fast but yet it seems like a lifetime without you in it. I miss you more and more with each day that passes and I often wonder if it will ever get better for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart!!

Cylas please stay close as we deal with this winter weather! I hate it but its something that I have to deal with. I love you son!!

MOMMY

ANOTHER NEW YEAR AND YET ANOTHER JANUARY

                                SISTER GETTING READY TO RELEASE THE BALLOONS!


As much as I hated to see it coming January is here! I dread January's! I had a sleepless night last night and I'm thinking this might happen all month long. I have lost many loved ones in the month of January and there's a part of me that always expects to lose someone else. I don't think I have to mention everyone but you know who they are.

I will work on getting your birthday slide show up and running this week. First, I need to catch up on my work. I took two weeks off and I enjoyed that time off but I was annoyed by the snow most of the time. I need to purchase a four wheeler with a scraper on the front of it. Looks like I'm going to need one.

Always thinking about you and always loving you forever and always!!!!
Mommy