She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it
Cylas' Angel Wings
Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thank you Crystal
April 7, 2010
CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CYLAS
Last night was a diffucult night, why? I don't know. Prairie wanted to talk about Cylas. It might not have been the best decision but we talked about day and/or evening he died, depending on how to look at it. She missed that and for good reason. During the most devastating time of my families life Prairie was at our cousins house. She was unaware of the events that were unfolding. But I knew that would be the best place for her.
I told her about how much his appearance had changed since the last time she had seen him. He was all swollen, his arms up over his head because he wasn't able to lay them at his side, and just the way he was breathing I knew that would have been hard for her to see. She understands why I didn't want her to be there and now says that she didn't want to see him die. Of course, I didn't tell her all the details but just enough to help her understand.
I told her how hard it was for me to "wait" for him to die and that I only wanted to save him. And then once he did pass away, I told her about how badly I wanted him back and I still want him back. When the doctor called his time of death I was right there holding his little hand and running my fingers through his thick black hair with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't scream or wail out but I knew that I had lost him. I think the robot mode started almost immediately. It didn't get bad until I got home and realized my baby wasn't with me. His pictures from the hospital were laying on the table waiting to be opened, so I opened them. His crib was empty and cold. My mom asked me if I was going to be able to sleep and I simply said I don't know. I had a very long night. I was listening for him to breath and even waiting for him to wake up for that early morning feeding............but all I heard was nothing but silence.........dead silence.
We talked about when she came from our cousin's house and how I told her that her brother went to heaven. She broke my heart all over again because she didnt' want to believe it. She thought I was going back to the hospital to pick him up just like I had 2 weeks before. We sat in our bedroom and cried. Then I gave her Stripes and told her about his "special powers". Needless to say, Stripes slept in her arms last night as she cried herself to sleep. I feel so bad for her. She misses her brother alot more than I realize. But she tries her best to keep going too!
I asked Cylas to be with her and help her through out the day. She sent him messages through Stripes and I know that he was sitting on his special cloud just waiting to receive them. So instead of bedtime stories at our house, we have conversations about Cylas. She talks about some of the same things I talk about you know what she misses about him. Apparently, she really loved those chubby cheeks. Those cheeks are everyone's favorite.
Cylas, you are missed everyday and the only assurance we have is that you'll live on forever in our hearts and we'll see you again one day. And on another note, your sister told me last night that if she ever has a son his name will be Cylas, in honor of her awesome, brave brother who now sleeps in an Angel's arms.
I think of you often and make no outward show, But what it means to lose you, no one will ever know You wished no one farewell, not even said good-bye, You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. You are not forgotten nor will you ever be, As long as life and memories last, I will remember thee. To some you may be forgotten, to others a part of the past, But to me who loved you dearly, your memories will always last. Nothing can be more beautiful than the memories I have of you. To me, you were someone special, God must have thought so too! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk all the way to Heaven, and bring you back again.
I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees Around the world below, With the all the lights like heaven's stars Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular Please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I hear the many Christmas songs That people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you The joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me I see the pain inside your heart, But I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I can not tell you of the splendor Or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine Christmas? With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit As I tell HIM of your love, So then pray one for another As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful And let your spirit sing, For I am spending Christmas in heaven And I am walking with the King!!!
20 Things I wish you would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.
13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?