" I WILL CARRY YOU"

Ok, so I just bought the book written by Angie Smith. It's telling the story of her precious daughter Audrey Caroline. I'm only to chapter 4 and with two very active little girls it will probably take me a while before I finish it. I've read her blog and have been keeping up with her and her family for the last year and a half. They have now welcomed a new daughter into their lives. I like the way Angie tells her story. She doesn't hold anything back and uses scripture from the bible throughout the book. She and her husband believe with all their hearts that there was a reason for Audrey Caroline and that there was a reason why they were chosen to be her parents. What I like about this family is that they never gave up hope and the wonder of prayer. They never stopped praying for a miracle. I love their values.

I think so far the most heartbreaking part of the book was having to tell their young daughters that their sister would probably go straight to Jesus. That part really tugged at my heart because I too had to tell my own daughter that her brother was in heaven. They were lost and didn't know how to break the news to them. They did something I didn't do, they depended on the Lord to give them the strength they needed to make it through that conversation. I was so angry and hurt during my little talk that I didn't even consider letting the Lord give me the right words I needed to use on her very young, sentitive heart. Having to tell my daughter that her brother wasn't coming home was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Looking back there are so many things that could have been done differently. But I think I did pretty good. She was able to understand what I was saying and she knows that if she ever starts missing him too bad all she has to do is close her eyes and talk to him just like he were right in front of her.

I'm not saying that I have the best relationship with the Lord but I have been trying very hard to live by faith and pray about situations in my life. I do that now, but I wish I did that when Cylas was so sick. I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference or not but I think it would have made a huge difference on MY heart. Cylas has been in heaven for 29 months and in those 29 months I've some good days and I've had some down right awful days. There have been times all I do is cry and then there are times that everything seems to be alright. I don't visit his grave like I used to and I no longer feel guilty for not going there. Am I a bad mother? No, not necessarily. It just means that I'm healing. Do I still miss him? Yes, I do. I miss him more and more everyday but I don't always mention it to anyone. Will I ever forget him? No, I have vowed not to forget my son. I can still close my eyes and I see his precious face just like it was yesterday. The only thing I can't do is reach out and touch him. If that were the case then I would probably grab him and never let go. I keep thinking about how old he will be or would have been. It continues to blow my mind with how much time has passed.

Today is one of those days. It's a day for Cylas to be on my mind. I have subtle hints of tears in my eyes but nothing flows but they are there ready to go should I decide I need to cry. So as I am trying to read this wonderful book, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Cylas. It has me going back over every little detail of my pregnancy. I am thankful that this lady was willing to share her story with so many people. Before I lost Cylas I had one of those stupid brains that never knew how it felt to lose a child. I never knew the kind of pain that I know now. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Like when I say I don't like Cylas being in the dark at the graveyard and he needs some lights. Some people look at me like I'm crazy and then some look at me with a little bit of understanding and I would so take that look over any other look I could get.

Cylas' story is special but only to me and a few select friends that I have made over the last 29 months. I have great friends who totally understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. And I am thankful to those friends. They don't know how much of a life saver they have been to me. I have my family but some of them have forgotten that precious little boy who stole my heart. They forget why its so hard for me to smile from time to time. They forget why I need some alone time.