Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

June 29, 2010

" I WILL CARRY YOU"

Ok, so I just bought the book written by Angie Smith. It's telling the story of her precious daughter Audrey Caroline. I'm only to chapter 4 and with two very active little girls it will probably take me a while before I finish it. I've read her blog and have been keeping up with her and her family for the last year and a half. They have now welcomed a new daughter into their lives. I like the way Angie tells her story. She doesn't hold anything back and uses scripture from the bible throughout the book. She and her husband believe with all their hearts that there was a reason for Audrey Caroline and that there was a reason why they were chosen to be her parents. What I like about this family is that they never gave up hope and the wonder of prayer. They never stopped praying for a miracle. I love their values.

I think so far the most heartbreaking part of the book was having to tell their young daughters that their sister would probably go straight to Jesus. That part really tugged at my heart because I too had to tell my own daughter that her brother was in heaven. They were lost and didn't know how to break the news to them. They did something I didn't do, they depended on the Lord to give them the strength they needed to make it through that conversation. I was so angry and hurt during my little talk that I didn't even consider letting the Lord give me the right words I needed to use on her very young, sentitive heart. Having to tell my daughter that her brother wasn't coming home was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Looking back there are so many things that could have been done differently. But I think I did pretty good. She was able to understand what I was saying and she knows that if she ever starts missing him too bad all she has to do is close her eyes and talk to him just like he were right in front of her.

I'm not saying that I have the best relationship with the Lord but I have been trying very hard to live by faith and pray about situations in my life. I do that now, but I wish I did that when Cylas was so sick. I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference or not but I think it would have made a huge difference on MY heart. Cylas has been in heaven for 29 months and in those 29 months I've some good days and I've had some down right awful days. There have been times all I do is cry and then there are times that everything seems to be alright. I don't visit his grave like I used to and I no longer feel guilty for not going there. Am I a bad mother? No, not necessarily. It just means that I'm healing. Do I still miss him? Yes, I do. I miss him more and more everyday but I don't always mention it to anyone. Will I ever forget him? No, I have vowed not to forget my son. I can still close my eyes and I see his precious face just like it was yesterday. The only thing I can't do is reach out and touch him. If that were the case then I would probably grab him and never let go. I keep thinking about how old he will be or would have been. It continues to blow my mind with how much time has passed.

Today is one of those days. It's a day for Cylas to be on my mind. I have subtle hints of tears in my eyes but nothing flows but they are there ready to go should I decide I need to cry. So as I am trying to read this wonderful book, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Cylas. It has me going back over every little detail of my pregnancy. I am thankful that this lady was willing to share her story with so many people. Before I lost Cylas I had one of those stupid brains that never knew how it felt to lose a child. I never knew the kind of pain that I know now. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Like when I say I don't like Cylas being in the dark at the graveyard and he needs some lights. Some people look at me like I'm crazy and then some look at me with a little bit of understanding and I would so take that look over any other look I could get.

Cylas' story is special but only to me and a few select friends that I have made over the last 29 months. I have great friends who totally understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. And I am thankful to those friends. They don't know how much of a life saver they have been to me. I have my family but some of them have forgotten that precious little boy who stole my heart. They forget why its so hard for me to smile from time to time. They forget why I need some alone time.

2 comments:

kimberly said...

You have done the best you can do, and that's alright by God. He is with you, always was, always will be.
There are no accidents why we all "stumble upon" each others' blogs in todays "social media"...even God uses it to his advantage. I too followed her blog. SHe is amazing, and she's human.
You are amazing and human also.
Know that there are people who pray for you and will always know of your Son. All because of a Mom's heart who shared the life and death of her Son with the world.
That makes you Blessed!
;0)

joven said...

beautiful blog..pls visit mine to,and be a follower..thanks and God bless..http://forlots.blogspot.com/

THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand

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