A Year Ago Today (24th was on a Monday)

A year ago today I was already in the hospital recovering from a hectic delivery. I didn't know how serious it was until I was out of recovery and was told that they almost lost both of us. I was relieved to have made it and to have my son, but you were in the NICU and I didn't get to see you until Wednesday, which was the day after Christmas. I knew that you were a big boy, but I wasn't sure about your health since I was pretty much out of it for two days. I was alone at the hospital. Nana was keeping your sister and your "dad" didn't feel the need to be there. I hated having to be alone at the hospital. It was so hard not to cry, because all I wanted to see you and make sure you were alright. Once I was able to actually see you I knew that everything was going to be alright. They were doing everthing they could do to find out how come your breathing wasn't stabilizing. You had beautiful blackish/brown hair, so thick!! Your fingers, just like mine! You of course looked just like your "dad" even though he denied you! I held your tiny hand and told you that I loved you!!! I didn't visit long that first day since I was still trying to manage my pain, but the days following were easier and I visited longer.

I prayed every night for you, me and your sister. I hated being away from my babies. If I didn't have to have a C-Section I know that your sister would have been with me. She was sick and I knew that she only wanted her mommy!! But I also knew that you needed me too! Looking back now I don't regret choosing to stay with you while your sister was at home. I know that she understood. She came to visit and was able to see you, which made her feel so much better. She came back to the room, and said "mommy, you feed him too much, he's too big!!" Then she said "but that's my baby and I love him!!"

It was hard for me. I didn't know if I could be a good mom to two kids. What if I messed up? What if I paid more attention to one and not the other? I didn't want to be a single mom, but that's what happened. I knew that it was going to be hard and I was very unsure of myself. But once you were finally at home and my small family was back together, it all just meshed together and you fit in like a glove. Your sister was a good little helper. She didn't seem to be jealous at all. She loved on you as much as anyone else. I was happy that I had her around to help me cause I was moving slow and you were very impatient!!! In so many ways you and your sister were alike. You both had the same short temper! The only difference was that you like to be held and she didn't. I wish that I would have taken advantage of that fact, while you were here, I was more worried about not spoiling you. And I am sorry I didn't take more time to hold you while you were sleeping. I am sorry that I made your lay in that stinky crib, when I could have been holding you, but I honestly thought that I had MORE time!! And I was so WRONG!!!

Mommy