Cylas, your birthday has come and gone!! I spent most of the day focused on other things. I was trying to keep it together. On the 23rd we were finally able to put your toys and your Christmas tree on your grave. It looks really good and I hope you enjoyed the decorations!! Your sister put the small trucks and cars in their place and I was in charge of the Christmas tree. I wish that wasn't how my life was. I wish that I didn't have to visit a grave on special occasions.
I hope you liked your balloons, we sent enough for you to share, so I hope you did. I didn't get good pictures because it was raining and dark but your sister and I had fun blowing them up and sending them your way. We also had an ice cream cake to celebrate with. It was just nan, pops, Prairie, and me but I did share the rest of the cake with your uncle Junebug and his family. I didn't have time to tell them what I was planning so they just got the cake. It was a good cake and I think you would have enjoyed it.
I took pictures of all the stuff I have to remember you by. I plan on making a slide slow and putting here on your blog. It was hard knowing that all this stuff is all I have of you. I've got your foot prints and only your left hand print, I have some of your hair, your pacee, a bottle, your bracelets, blankets and about 3 of your outfits that you wore while you were here. I also included shots of my "memory" bracelet, your diaper bag, and your first Christmas ornament.
I tried my best to stay strong!! I did really good, but once I was alone I totally lost it and broke down. I've had about 3 break downs just missing you and thinking about what could have been. And wondering how come my life has to be like this. Your sister told me that I scare her when I cry. It helped to cry though, because I've been holding it in for so long. I don't like to let people see me cry, but when I do, they know why. My mom and I were talking about you yesterday and of course she ended up crying, but I held it in. She misses you so much!! I know that she would have you rotten right about now. Then my brother also mentioned that he was thinking about what you would be doing right now especially the walking part. He was wondering if you would have the same walk as your "dad". With your chest stuck out and your but kind of poking out from behind. It's a funny thought to see that in my head, but I know that you would have that same walk. You were just like him in so many ways. But then he denied you and that's something I'll probably never get over. His side of the family didn't call or didn't place any memorials in our local paper for you. I did. Cylas I won't forget you!!!!
I hope you had a great heavenly birthday!!! I continue to miss you and I'll love you forever with all my heart!!!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago