CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: I am dreading tomorrow

October 30, 2008

I am dreading tomorrow

Tomorrow is Friday, and it's a day that I've been dreading all this month. The reason I am dreading tomorrow is because I have another meeting with my lawyer. Just like the last time I don't know what to expect, and not knowing is harder than knowing at all. I don't know if I am ready for this meeting. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and now I am back to square one. I am back to being that little child uncertain about what to do. I have a dozen thoughts going through my mind. There are so many things I want to know, but yet at the same time I don't want to know. Then again I have to wonder if I am ready for this journey. I wonder if I can handle what I will hear. I wonder if I will be able to keep my head on straight, and keep from totally losing it. I am so scared and nervous about tomorrow. That knot in the pit of my stomach is still there getting bigger by the minute. I've had headaches all week long due to all the worrying. The lawyer has told me that all he wants to do is talk about the success or the failure of this case, and with a statement like that it's hard to see if I have a case or not, and if I do have a case, can it be won? I know that I definitely don't want the hospital to get away with what they did to you. I want them to held accountable for your death. I even want them to admit that they did you wrong. I want to them to look me in the eyes and tell me that they killed you. I want the hospital to look at me and see how much pain and heartache they have caused in my life. I lost my only son, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I want to make sure I have the answers I need to give me closure and as much as I know it could hurt me, I still want to know and I know that deserve closure. Nothing will ever bring you back, but I want to make sure that you know I am doing what I can to make this right. I want to make sure that the people responsible pay for their mistake. I want to make sure they know that they have a son away from his mother, and a brother away from his sister. I want them to know that our lives are totally turned upside down and that we are still searching for our "normal". Will it ever come? Who knows. Maybe?

I've decided that I am going to do things different with this visit. I am not riding with my EX & his mother. I am taking my big brother with me and by doing this I am hoping that I might feel more secure. I always feel like I am getting attacked with I am with my Ex and his mother. They expect me to be over losing you by now and that's going to happen. It's not going to happen for me. They may be over losing you, they are both enjoying their lives with their "New" significant others. My Ex already had somebody else before we even separated and he's continued to enjoy his life and his mother broke things off with her husband for someone else too!! All they both out of this case is the money. His mom thinks all her good deeds will make up for her son not being there when you were so sick, and that I will just sit back and let them collect off you like I don't care. Well I have to say that they both something else coming to them. I am not going to sit here and them take advantage of the situation. I am your mom, I never said that you were not my son, I was there when you were so sick, I was there for you when no one else was. I am mother who lost her son and I know that I can never get you back no matter how much I try and ask God to send you back to me and your sister. I am the one who had to suffer to bring you into the world and I am the one who felt you move and grow way before they even knew you. I will do what's right. I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant and I will love you until the day that I die.

I have a headache right now and I know that it's because of my stress and thinking about tomorrow so much does not help. Cylas, please be close to me tomorrow. Give me the strength I need to make it through.

Mommy

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~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.