New Year

2009 is almost here. As prepared as I think I am, I know that I am not. You were released from the hospital on New Year's day so I have these memories in my head. I've tried my best not to focus on the bad, but it's hard when the bad is weaved into the good. You were home for 11 days before you had to be placed back into the hospital with the "very bad bug." Those 11 days were the best, but I was very tired. I was still recovering from the C-Section, but I refused to have your care placed in someone else's hands, even though at night, I did surrender to my mom. My legs and feet were still swollen, but you were at home and that's all mattered.

I remember lying in bed at night listening to your breathing, almost as if I was waiting for you to cry. I couldn't sleep. I knew that I was moving slow so I thought that I had to be prepared for you when you woke up needing to be feed or needing a diaper change. Your Sissy hated it when you woke up because it interupted her "beauty" sleep, so most of the time I would change your diaper and then head to the living room because I knew that you would be awake for a little while. It was during that time when I would sit with you in my arms and talk to you. I would talk about how much love I had for you, my worries, and of course I would reassure you that no matter how your "dad" felt I would always be in your life and if I needed to be your dad I would do that too. I also talked about how much your Sissy, Nan, & Pops loved you. It was hard knowing that I brought you into world with a broken family, something that I did not want. It just broke my heart.

You liked getting a sponge bath, but didn't like getting your hair washed. I gave you a total of 3 sponge baths while you were at home. Once again that was you and me time. Your sister was very helpful when it came to diaper changes and bottle feedings. I let her gather the materials for a diaper change and I let her fix your bottles. I knew how jealous she was before you were born so I knew that it was very important to make her feel wanted and helpful. A couple times you wore mismatched clothes, not my fault, your Sissy picked out those outfits. I would lay you on the bed and let you move your arms and legs, also I was horrified that Prairie might fall on you while trying to give you her daily dose of hugs and lovins. She would grab your face with both hands, which you hated, and give you a kiss.

It was on your 11th day home that I started noticing something different about you. It was the day of your scheduled circumsion and I noticed something wasn't quite right with your umbilical cord stub, it was draining brown stuff, but I didn't worry too much because I knew that you were going to the doctor and I would voice my concerns then. Well, I told the doctor and he just summed it up to "poor" cleaning and showed me what to do, which wasn't the case, I wasn't doing the cleaning any different then he showed me. It was very frustrating!!! By the next morning on January 12th you were already back in the ER. I don't want to continue because I don't know if I can. Let's just say on January 15th this "very bad bug" had taken you away from me!!!!

I don't like January that much. January is a bad month for my mom's family. We've lost your Great Gma, Great Uncle, Great Uncle (by marriage), your cousin, and then you. Your 1 year angelvarsary is in a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder if someone else will taken from us. It scares me to DEATH. For once, this January I hope we don't have to say goodbye to another family member. There have been so many times when I've replayed the day of your funeral over and over in my head, wondering if I played the part of a grieving mother right or if there were people in attendance who thought I didn't act right. I admit that everyone kept telling that I had to stay strong for Prairie's sake. They kept telling me that I couldn't lose it because I had her to think about. And of course, I kept thinking WTF!!! But during that time I was just moving to the motions and still in that robotic mode! I remember looking at you one last time with tears streaming down my face, rubbing your head and telling you to be good. And saying "gv-ge-yu"! Which means I love you in Cherokee. I told you that I would miss you and carry you forever in my heart. My brain was yelling at me telling to hang on and not let go and grab you and run, but I stood by your casket a few minutes longer looking at you knowing that you were in safest place a mother could ever wish her child to be, but it still made me so SAD and HURT!! I left the casket and sat back down on the pew with my head down crying as hard as I could.

It's not been easy for me. I still stuggle from day to day. I miss you tremendously and sometimes I still find myself in bed listening for you to breath, knowing that it will never come.

Happy New Year, Cylas!!

Always,

Mommy