Easter 2012


Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

December 31, 2008

New Year

2009 is almost here. As prepared as I think I am, I know that I am not. You were released from the hospital on New Year's day so I have these memories in my head. I've tried my best not to focus on the bad, but it's hard when the bad is weaved into the good. You were home for 11 days before you had to be placed back into the hospital with the "very bad bug." Those 11 days were the best, but I was very tired. I was still recovering from the C-Section, but I refused to have your care placed in someone else's hands, even though at night, I did surrender to my mom. My legs and feet were still swollen, but you were at home and that's all mattered.

I remember lying in bed at night listening to your breathing, almost as if I was waiting for you to cry. I couldn't sleep. I knew that I was moving slow so I thought that I had to be prepared for you when you woke up needing to be feed or needing a diaper change. Your Sissy hated it when you woke up because it interupted her "beauty" sleep, so most of the time I would change your diaper and then head to the living room because I knew that you would be awake for a little while. It was during that time when I would sit with you in my arms and talk to you. I would talk about how much love I had for you, my worries, and of course I would reassure you that no matter how your "dad" felt I would always be in your life and if I needed to be your dad I would do that too. I also talked about how much your Sissy, Nan, & Pops loved you. It was hard knowing that I brought you into world with a broken family, something that I did not want. It just broke my heart.

You liked getting a sponge bath, but didn't like getting your hair washed. I gave you a total of 3 sponge baths while you were at home. Once again that was you and me time. Your sister was very helpful when it came to diaper changes and bottle feedings. I let her gather the materials for a diaper change and I let her fix your bottles. I knew how jealous she was before you were born so I knew that it was very important to make her feel wanted and helpful. A couple times you wore mismatched clothes, not my fault, your Sissy picked out those outfits. I would lay you on the bed and let you move your arms and legs, also I was horrified that Prairie might fall on you while trying to give you her daily dose of hugs and lovins. She would grab your face with both hands, which you hated, and give you a kiss.

It was on your 11th day home that I started noticing something different about you. It was the day of your scheduled circumsion and I noticed something wasn't quite right with your umbilical cord stub, it was draining brown stuff, but I didn't worry too much because I knew that you were going to the doctor and I would voice my concerns then. Well, I told the doctor and he just summed it up to "poor" cleaning and showed me what to do, which wasn't the case, I wasn't doing the cleaning any different then he showed me. It was very frustrating!!! By the next morning on January 12th you were already back in the ER. I don't want to continue because I don't know if I can. Let's just say on January 15th this "very bad bug" had taken you away from me!!!!

I don't like January that much. January is a bad month for my mom's family. We've lost your Great Gma, Great Uncle, Great Uncle (by marriage), your cousin, and then you. Your 1 year angelvarsary is in a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder if someone else will taken from us. It scares me to DEATH. For once, this January I hope we don't have to say goodbye to another family member. There have been so many times when I've replayed the day of your funeral over and over in my head, wondering if I played the part of a grieving mother right or if there were people in attendance who thought I didn't act right. I admit that everyone kept telling that I had to stay strong for Prairie's sake. They kept telling me that I couldn't lose it because I had her to think about. And of course, I kept thinking WTF!!! But during that time I was just moving to the motions and still in that robotic mode! I remember looking at you one last time with tears streaming down my face, rubbing your head and telling you to be good. And saying "gv-ge-yu"! Which means I love you in Cherokee. I told you that I would miss you and carry you forever in my heart. My brain was yelling at me telling to hang on and not let go and grab you and run, but I stood by your casket a few minutes longer looking at you knowing that you were in safest place a mother could ever wish her child to be, but it still made me so SAD and HURT!! I left the casket and sat back down on the pew with my head down crying as hard as I could.
It's not been easy for me. I still stuggle from day to day. I miss you tremendously and sometimes I still find myself in bed listening for you to breath, knowing that it will never come.

Happy New Year, Cylas!!


1 comment:

Samaria said...

*hugs* i don't blame you for hating january @ all.


I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees



Unredeemed by SELAH


Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)



Every Breath You Take




I'll be Missing you







In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado


I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand