Easter 2012

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN...........

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

grieveoutloud.org

International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

November 3, 2008

Good, then again, Not So Good

The meeting on Friday with the lawyer went ok. I still hated to hear what he had to say. It didn't make the process any easier. I was told that there was a possibility that you had necrotizing facilitis (flesh-eating infection). That was one of the hardest things that I've had to hear, to know that you could have such a infection tore my heart apart. You suffered so much those last four days and to know that you could have been in even more pain just tears me to peices. I would have done anything to keep you from hurting but yet that want was so far out of reach. Not only did I hear about the infection, but it's up to the lawyer to find out what kind of saline was given to you after it was moved from 20 cc's to 75 cc's. Was it D-5 or was it just plain saline? If it was D-5 then we have a problem because that the reason for your complete organ failure. You were overdosed on potassium. And then the big and hardest question that needs to be answered is if you would have survived anyway, even if the hospital treated you with the best medicine money can buy? In my heart I know that answer. I know that I wanted you to survive. I wanted you to get better and come home to me and your sister. I wanted you here.

The lawyer left me with 3 choices: 1) find another law firm that advances money, 2) have a meeting with the risk management team at the hospital and tell them about our findings and what we intend to do (it would be settled out of court and we would be awarded less money), or 3) Try to raise an INSANE amount of money. As crazy as it sounds I am not ready to give up on this fight. I want to do what is right for you and in your honor. I want to make sure I like hell to make sure I get some answers. I am going to start raising that insane about of money and I will have to start soon!! I know that whatever I do here on earth will never be enough. I know that it will never bring you back, but I want you to know that your mommy will do whatever it takes to fight this hospital and the doctors who were responsible for your care. The medical expert truly believes that these doctors dropped the ball when it came to you. She stated that these doctors definitely could have treated you with success. Where will the money come from? I have no idea. How will I raise this money? I don't know. Can it be done? Yes, it can. I will stop at nothing to do what's right.

I keep thinking that somewhere down the road we might have to exhume (sp ?) your little body and get an autopsy done. Even though an autopsy never answered questions fully and completely, it still might be able to pin point the answers to some of these questions. I wouldn't be there to see you ripped from your final resting place, I couldn't be there, but in the future it might be my only option. My family tells me that I should have had one done right after you died but they don't know what was going through my mind. I couldn't keep you from all the pain you went through before you died and I sure as hell didn't want to cut up your body in death. I know what happens during an autopsy and I just couldn't put my sweet, innocent boy through such a thing. It was the one thing I did have control over.

Then sitting there listening to your Gma and "dad" express their anger. I just rolled my eyes. Your Gma was talking about being a christian and all I could think was "what a freaking hypocrit!!! She lets her son live in sin with his own cousin, and she gets rid of her husband and moves another man in." I didn't need to hear anything about how good of a christian she is. And I may need to ask for forgiveness for thinking like this, but how am I suppose to feel. If it were me out there doing the exact thing they would be trying to take away your sister because I wasn't living the way they think I should. I know for a fact they're just waiting for me to slip up, well guess what, it's not going to happen. Your sister is the most important person in my life, she's all I have, and I will never jeopardize her life. I love you and Prairie so much. And I don't you or her to ever forget that.

Cylas, I will try my best to find out all the answers to these questions. I will try my best to get some answers, good or bad. I will stop at nothing to have this case go to court and make these people pay for taking you away from me.

Mommy

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THREAD OF HOPE

I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees

I WILL CARRY YOU by SELAH

HELD by NATALIE GRANT

Unredeemed by SELAH

BORROWED ANGELS

Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

KNOCKIN ON HEAVEN'S DOOR

EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN

Every Breath You Take

BRING ON THE RAIN

STAND BESIDE ME

TEARS IN HEAVEN

I'll be Missing you

THE CROSS HAS WON AGAIN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

HEALING STREAM

MAMA LIKED THE ROSES

TAKE MY HAND PRECIOUS LORD

ONCE UPON A HILL

In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand

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