Cylas, my precious little boy. So much has happened since my last entry. I am trying to "live" through December. I am preparing myself for what's coming. I keep telling myself that I will make it and that I can do this. Iwodi, Nana, Jay, and I took off for the weekend. We went to Pigeon Forge. We went to the Dixie Stampede on Friday, shopped all day Saturday, and Sunday made our way back home.
On Saturday, I found out that your "dad" got married AGAIN!! I don't know why I've let this bother me so much. I mean I know that he's a liar, he's broken every promise he's ever made to me, so I don't know why his new marriage is bugging me so much. We haven't even been divorced for a year and he's already taken the plunge again. But I know that his "new" wife didn't want to have to mess with you and she made that very clear with her words after you were born. So I really hope that they enjoy their new life together knowing that they don't have to deal with you. Iwodi still has to be in middle though, and I've learned how to deal with that. Well I miss you and always will!!!!
I bought an age appropriate gift to donate in your memory. I kind of figured since I can't shower you with bday or Christmas presents then I can give to another child in need, KWIM. This will probably be a new tradition for me. Your sister asked me how come I did that and I told her that another baby needed presents too, so why not buy them one and donate in your memory. Right now she doesn't understand, but I know that when she gets older it might be something she can do to. Cylas, I haven't bought a baby gift or even baby clothes since before you were born and I can't seem to make it happen. And I loved shopping for babies, that was my thing. You have a new cousin who I need to buy for, and I can't do it. Maybe I'll be able to one day, but not right now. I really hope that my family understands.
We have some items to place on your grave but the weather has been sucky!! We've had snow & rain, but as soon as it gets pretty Iwodi and I will take your stuff to you. We have you a "baby" Christmas tree, two trucks, a car, and some "windmills". I can't remember the correct name for the "windmills". We are going to either buy a small cake or make a cake for your first bday and then we'll release some balloons. So you be looking out for your balloons in the coming weeks, ok. I know that none of this will make up for a "real" bday celebration, but it's all I can do. Aside from missing you everyday and thinking of you everyday, I don't know what else to do.
It's 16 more days until your bday and I keep telling myself to be strong. But also at any given moment I know that I could lose it all together. Your sister misses you so much!! Please stay close to her, she really needs to know your here.
I love you with all my heart!!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago