When I had your sister my feelings toward Christmas changed a little bit. I no longer felt the need to try and be so cold during that time. Your sister had given me the oppurtunity to smile and enjoy what I had. I know that she doesn't remember her 1st Christmas, but I do. Watching her try and open her gifts and then seeing her hit her cousin in the head with a block. She was just trying to learn how walk and she was already crawling all over the place. The reason her gifts were wrapped was to watch her fight with the paper. But since then, I've started putting all her gifts in a bag, not being a Grinch, just being lazy. Christmas 2007 was supposed to be special not just for me but for her too. She was waiting for a new "sister" to come. My due date was December 26 and all I kept thinking was how in the world will this child ever have a birthday separated from Christmas. But Cylas, that didn't happen and your born by emergency C-Section on December 24th. So I missed Christmas with your sister, but you were here and you were safe, and at the time that's all that mattered. I didn't know that 3 weeks later I would be saying goodbye. I regreted not being home for Christmas with your sister, but she understood and from what I hear she didn't miss at all. All she wanted was her presents that I had ready 2 weeks before.
So now I don't only dread January but I am back to not wanting Christmas to come at all. I want to ball up and hide this holiday season. I keep telling myself that I can make it through, but I really must be kidding myself. I try to plan something for your 1st Birthday, but nothing I come up with seems good enough for you. What do you get an angel baby who already has everything? Your sister is trying to find something for you, but all we can do is place it on your grave, so I don't know if I will let her do that. Last night she was really missing you!! I can't even begin to imagine what December will be like. I want to do something really special for you to let you know that I love you. I am at a loss for words right now. Christmas will never be the same again. Instead of celebrating with 2 children, I am trying to find a way to stay positive for your sister. I know that it is going to be very hard and no matter how much I prepare myself for the holidays I know that all my pain and heartache will come back full force. I want you. Cylas, I want you.
Halloween is Friday. Your "dad" is taking Prairie trick or treating on Thursday and then on Friday I'll take her. I keep thinking that I should have you, and you would be dressed up like a cute little monkey, I should have you and Prairie this time. Prairie was a mermaid but she missed up that costume so now she will be Little Red Riding Hood. Halloween is just the beginning. I miss you!!!!