CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: The Ramblings of Cylas' Mom

October 28, 2008

The Ramblings of Cylas' Mom

For the longest time before I had children I didn't like to celebrate Christmas. My family called me the Grinch and I held up that name with great pride. I didn't like Christmas because that meant the next holiday would be New Years. In 1993, my cousin John was killed. He was run over by a car and died from his injuries on the way to hospital. They were never able to catch his killer. So, from there on out I didn't feel like celebrating Christmas because I knew around the corner would be New Years. My grandma, your great grandma Charlotte, passed away January of 1981. Then in 1993 my aunt Jane lost her Husband Jeff, 20 days after we lost John. Jeff died of a massive heart attack on January 20th. Then on January 10, 2001, my favorite uncle Woodrow, passed away unexpectedly. And now, January has taken yet another loved one away from me. On January 15th, I lost you. You died at 9:10 pm of complete organ failure. On that day my world was shaken to the core. I prayed so hard, asking God to save your life and to let you stay here with me. I told God that he could take me and leave you.The one thing I didn't want was to lose you. I wanted you with all my heart and soul. I finally had my little boy and I wanted to hold onto you for as long as possible. My heart is broken and I don't know how long it will remain broken. So I am not too fond of January coming after December. January is just a reminder of what I've lost in my life.

When I had your sister my feelings toward Christmas changed a little bit. I no longer felt the need to try and be so cold during that time. Your sister had given me the oppurtunity to smile and enjoy what I had. I know that she doesn't remember her 1st Christmas, but I do. Watching her try and open her gifts and then seeing her hit her cousin in the head with a block. She was just trying to learn how walk and she was already crawling all over the place. The reason her gifts were wrapped was to watch her fight with the paper. But since then, I've started putting all her gifts in a bag, not being a Grinch, just being lazy. Christmas 2007 was supposed to be special not just for me but for her too. She was waiting for a new "sister" to come. My due date was December 26 and all I kept thinking was how in the world will this child ever have a birthday separated from Christmas. But Cylas, that didn't happen and your born by emergency C-Section on December 24th. So I missed Christmas with your sister, but you were here and you were safe, and at the time that's all that mattered. I didn't know that 3 weeks later I would be saying goodbye. I regreted not being home for Christmas with your sister, but she understood and from what I hear she didn't miss at all. All she wanted was her presents that I had ready 2 weeks before.

So now I don't only dread January but I am back to not wanting Christmas to come at all. I want to ball up and hide this holiday season. I keep telling myself that I can make it through, but I really must be kidding myself. I try to plan something for your 1st Birthday, but nothing I come up with seems good enough for you. What do you get an angel baby who already has everything? Your sister is trying to find something for you, but all we can do is place it on your grave, so I don't know if I will let her do that. Last night she was really missing you!! I can't even begin to imagine what December will be like. I want to do something really special for you to let you know that I love you. I am at a loss for words right now. Christmas will never be the same again. Instead of celebrating with 2 children, I am trying to find a way to stay positive for your sister. I know that it is going to be very hard and no matter how much I prepare myself for the holidays I know that all my pain and heartache will come back full force. I want you. Cylas, I want you.

Halloween is Friday. Your "dad" is taking Prairie trick or treating on Thursday and then on Friday I'll take her. I keep thinking that I should have you, and you would be dressed up like a cute little monkey, I should have you and Prairie this time. Prairie was a mermaid but she missed up that costume so now she will be Little Red Riding Hood. Halloween is just the beginning. I miss you!!!!

Mommy

No comments:

Post a Comment

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.