I feel like I am so alone in my grief for Cylas. It would be so nice to have my EXes support too! It would be nice if I could talk to him and he would actually listen. He's not concerned about me and I guess he hasn't been in a while. He's nice when he doesn't have anyone else in his life, but the moment he has someone else, I am no longer worthy of his time. He expects me to be there for him when something happens, but yet he doesn't want to be here for me. He turns his back on me and then wonders why I am still so mad at him. I am trying my best to work with him when it comes to our daughter, but like I've said before it's really hard. He doesn't have any respect for my family and he showed that when he finally went to visit Cylas and he took his current girlfriend too. I believe with all my heart that she's the one who came between us and then she ran her mouth about me while I was pregnant. I really don't care for her and I probably never will. My uncle is going to tell him that she's not welcome at the family cemetary. He's gonna tell him it's for immediate family only! I think it's best that it comes from my uncle because if I try to say something he gets mad and starts argueing with me. And I definitely don't need anymore stress in my life.
It's been raining here and all I can think about is the fact that Cylas is getting wet!! I think I feel guilty because I missed my visit with him and haven't been able to make it up due to the rain. I've talked with him and asked him to forgive his mommy for not visiting him on his day. He's 8 months old and I am missing out on so much. When Cylas left me he took a huge part of me with him. I wanted him to have the best. I had so much planned for him since he was going to be my last child. I couldn't wait for him to get big enough to interact with his sister. His sister didn't want a brother and she was very vocal about that early on in the pregnancy. She wanted a sister. I told Prairie that God would decide whether she would get a brother or a sister and she would just have to wait and see. The moment she saw him for the first time it was love at first sight and he instantly became her "baby", not mine. So I was really relieved when she accepted her baby brother. It remains hard for both of us because we want him here.
This is what's on my mind today. These are my thoughts and as you can see Cylas is a very active thought in my mind.
LOVE YOU CYLAS!!!!