It's so funny how life goes on, no matter how bad you feel or no matter how hurt you are. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my baby boy was here in my arms or even in my life. At times it's just so unfair. I am missing out on an entire life, a life that should be here and not in heaven. I'm missing out on all the firsts and all the seconds. I hate my life, I hate being single, and most of all I hate being the mother of two babies and only have one here with me. I should have the perfect family right about now, you know the loving husband, and two children thriving and happy!!!! But I guess it wasn't meant to be and I'll never understand why. Now all that's left is this shell of who I used to be. Right now my life only revolves around my daughter she's all I think about and I live life everyday just to keep her safe. I keep telling myself that I am NOT ready to date or that I don't need anyone in my life. I am so afraid to get back out there again. My Ex was my first love and I spent 10 years of my life with him. And in the end it didn't matter.
On Friday Cylas will be gone for 7 months and it doesn't even feel like it. I've packed away his crib, his clothes, and I've even tried to pack away my pain from losing him and I've gotten no where with that. Because each morning I wake up only to look at a spot where a crib should have been, and I wake up wanting to change a diaper. I still have his diaper bag out and I look at it everyday, but I dare not open it. I have his pictures in a box on the shelf. And when I get in the van I still see his car seat ready and waiting for a baby. I drove around with that car seat in my van for two months before he was born, mainly because I didn't know what was going to happen and now even that has been packed away. His clothes are safe and I've decided that I'm not getting rid of any of it, even though I've decided not to have anymore babies.
I really don't want Christmas to come this year. That's the one day I am dreading the most. Before I had my children I hated Christmas because that meant that New Years was next and I had a cousin who got killed on New Years in 1993, so I was never in a festive mood. Then Prairie came along and gave me a new reason to celebrate Christmas and it's not too bad and now with Cylas being born on Christmas Eve I think I am going to be that same old scrooge I was before. Because I should be celebrating a birthday this time. I should be seeing my little man with cake and Icing all over his face and I should be giving him his first hair cut, because his hair would probably be in his eyes. I don't know there are alot of things that I am missing out on and I don't know how to quit dwelling on it. Just when I think I am doing good everything comes back to me and I am lost in my grief again.
So yes, this is just another day, in another week of my sad empty life. Missing my angel and wanting him here with me.
CYLAS MOMMY LOVES AND MISSES YOU! WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME BACK TO ME?
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago