Easter 2012


Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

August 22, 2008

My Fears

I've talked about losing my son, and the effects it's had on my life. But I also have a fear that's been looming overhead since January. We (myself, my EX and his mother) have a lawyer looking into his medical records from all the physicians that he was seen by and to look at how his treatment might have been taken in the wrong direction at the hospital where he died. I guess I should have just said we're trying to see if we have a wrongful death case against the hospital. I believe with all my heart that my son was "killed" and I just don't know how to handle that thought in my head. I have no closure at all. We chose not to do an autopsy. I couldn't put him through that, because I know what they do to a body with that procedure and I just couldn't put my little boy through that. I thought that he had already suffered enough before he died. KWIM? And even though I can say he died of complete organ failure, there was a reason why that happened. I know that all the money in world will never bring him back, but I basically just want answers. And sometimes those possible answers scare me to death.

I don't know what I would do if the results came back and we have a case against the hospital. I don't know if I would be relieved or not. And I can definitely say that my heart would be broken all over again if I find out that my son didn't have to die. I will be more hurt than ever to find out that he could STILL be here had it not been for the actions taken by the physicians in charge of his care. I could probably have a total breakdown, and that's what I've been avoiding since his death. I am trying my best to keep going and moving forward, but sometimes it just gets so hard. I try to put up that protective wall and just when I think I have it built strong something happens and it crumbles all to pieces in an instant. There are many times that I wish Cylas was still here. I miss him continually on a day to day basis. I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for those "scary" answers, and I try to put that in the back of my mind because the lawyer has already warned that it is a long process and that we have to have all our ducks in a row. The lawyer has already received one report back from his professional advisor, but she needed more information about me and she had a feeling that information was missing from Cylas' file. That report came back in March, and the new information should have been sent off in June. So right now we are still waiting.

Aside from all the waiting, I keep thinking that what if we have a case and we receive money. Who should get that money? Do I share it with the dad who didn't claim his son? I don't know what to do or think. In my heart I don't want the money I just want my son back!!!! I want him back more than anything. On Sunday the 24th Cylas will be 8 months old and I just can't even imagine how he would have changed from birth. I don't dream about him and I don't ever see signs that he may be around. I think my connection with him is just gone and it's not anyone's fault. I stay stressed all the time and I know that must have some kind of effect on my mind and my body. I stress over the small stuff and my relationship with my EX isn't that good. We don't get along. I don't like the woman he's with because she ran her mouth about me the whole time I was pregnant with Cylas. She kept telling everyone that my EX was not the father and I know that she had to receive that information from him, because he was denying Cylas. Then once Cylas arrived she said that she wasn't happy he was a boy because she thought my EX might come back to me. The way I take that comment is that she wished Cylas didn't exist and I think she must be happy he died because it didn't take her man away from her. And that just really burns me up. It just goes to show that she didn't want him here because she didn't want to lose her precious relationship and that's poor judgement, on hers and my Ex's.

I will try not to focus on this too much. But I know that I can honestly say no matter what the outcome my heart will be broken again and I know that the pain will be unbearable once again. I wanted my son more than anything and if I find out that he could still be here... I can't even wrap my mind around that thought.

Cylas, mommy is having a moment today. I can't quit thinking about the possibility of you still being here and you know that's what I wanted the most. I know that I will be angry if you didn't have to die and I know that I will have to deal with those feelings all over again. I want to have closure and I don't know if that will ever happen. There are so many things I wanted to do with you, and now I never will. I miss you every day and I think about you everyday. Please be close to your sister and me today!! We need to feel your angel hugs and heavenly kisses!
Your Mommy

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I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees



Unredeemed by SELAH


Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)



Every Breath You Take




I'll be Missing you







In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado


I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand