My Fears

I've talked about losing my son, and the effects it's had on my life. But I also have a fear that's been looming overhead since January. We (myself, my EX and his mother) have a lawyer looking into his medical records from all the physicians that he was seen by and to look at how his treatment might have been taken in the wrong direction at the hospital where he died. I guess I should have just said we're trying to see if we have a wrongful death case against the hospital. I believe with all my heart that my son was "killed" and I just don't know how to handle that thought in my head. I have no closure at all. We chose not to do an autopsy. I couldn't put him through that, because I know what they do to a body with that procedure and I just couldn't put my little boy through that. I thought that he had already suffered enough before he died. KWIM? And even though I can say he died of complete organ failure, there was a reason why that happened. I know that all the money in world will never bring him back, but I basically just want answers. And sometimes those possible answers scare me to death.

I don't know what I would do if the results came back and we have a case against the hospital. I don't know if I would be relieved or not. And I can definitely say that my heart would be broken all over again if I find out that my son didn't have to die. I will be more hurt than ever to find out that he could STILL be here had it not been for the actions taken by the physicians in charge of his care. I could probably have a total breakdown, and that's what I've been avoiding since his death. I am trying my best to keep going and moving forward, but sometimes it just gets so hard. I try to put up that protective wall and just when I think I have it built strong something happens and it crumbles all to pieces in an instant. There are many times that I wish Cylas was still here. I miss him continually on a day to day basis. I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for those "scary" answers, and I try to put that in the back of my mind because the lawyer has already warned that it is a long process and that we have to have all our ducks in a row. The lawyer has already received one report back from his professional advisor, but she needed more information about me and she had a feeling that information was missing from Cylas' file. That report came back in March, and the new information should have been sent off in June. So right now we are still waiting.

Aside from all the waiting, I keep thinking that what if we have a case and we receive money. Who should get that money? Do I share it with the dad who didn't claim his son? I don't know what to do or think. In my heart I don't want the money I just want my son back!!!! I want him back more than anything. On Sunday the 24th Cylas will be 8 months old and I just can't even imagine how he would have changed from birth. I don't dream about him and I don't ever see signs that he may be around. I think my connection with him is just gone and it's not anyone's fault. I stay stressed all the time and I know that must have some kind of effect on my mind and my body. I stress over the small stuff and my relationship with my EX isn't that good. We don't get along. I don't like the woman he's with because she ran her mouth about me the whole time I was pregnant with Cylas. She kept telling everyone that my EX was not the father and I know that she had to receive that information from him, because he was denying Cylas. Then once Cylas arrived she said that she wasn't happy he was a boy because she thought my EX might come back to me. The way I take that comment is that she wished Cylas didn't exist and I think she must be happy he died because it didn't take her man away from her. And that just really burns me up. It just goes to show that she didn't want him here because she didn't want to lose her precious relationship and that's poor judgement, on hers and my Ex's.

I will try not to focus on this too much. But I know that I can honestly say no matter what the outcome my heart will be broken again and I know that the pain will be unbearable once again. I wanted my son more than anything and if I find out that he could still be here... I can't even wrap my mind around that thought.

Cylas, mommy is having a moment today. I can't quit thinking about the possibility of you still being here and you know that's what I wanted the most. I know that I will be angry if you didn't have to die and I know that I will have to deal with those feelings all over again. I want to have closure and I don't know if that will ever happen. There are so many things I wanted to do with you, and now I never will. I miss you every day and I think about you everyday. Please be close to your sister and me today!! We need to feel your angel hugs and heavenly kisses!

XOXOXO,

Your Mommy