Seven months today I lost my chubby baby boy. I had to tell my little man bye for the last time. I held him in my arms and rocked him as if he was still alive and needed his mommies touch. The last day Cylas was here I felt like I was walking around in a haze and thinking over and over again "this CAN'T be happening to me, not now, not after all we had gone through just to get him here." After my ordeal in December to bring my baby into this world I prayed to God asking him to be with me and my family and my new little one. I was grateful that he brought us through and I was praying for a smoother road ahead. But I didn't get that smoother road, instead it's filled with bumps and major saddness!!! I would have done anything to keep Cylas here. I would have given my own life in order to keep him here. I continue to blame myself for what happened to him, thinking that I've failed him as a mother. I feel like I totally let him down and that I let those doctors hurt him. Sometimes I just dont' know what to do. I am trying to live my life, but it's hard when you have something so precious missing from it.
He's been gone for seven months and here I am still wishing that it was all a dream. I keep thinking that any moment I will wake up and there he'll be laying in his crib waiting for me to pick him up and give him his first hug of the day. Sometimes I say to myself "I miss the dirty diapers," and you know that could only be coming from a mom whose lost her angel. I miss everything about Cylas. He was the sweestest little boy and he was very handsome. I miss holding his hands in mine and I miss counting his toes. I miss bath time and I even miss his mad screaming time. I miss having a baby to love and cuddle. I miss watching him sleep and listening to him breathing late at night. I miss fixing his bottles and watching him eat like milk was out of style. I miss looking into eyes and wondering what he could possibly be thinking at that moment and time. I miss his cute little grin that he would give while he was asleep. I miss holding him in my arms. I miss seeing him bond with his big sister. I miss seeing him look at her and follow her every movement. I miss everything. I miss the smell of him just after a bath. I miss running my fingers through his hair.
Cylas, you are missed greatly!!! Mommy and Sissy are trying to make it. Mommy often takes some falls into the pit, and Sissy definately has her moments. Seven months have pasted and I still hope it's all been a dream!!!
Love you and miss you everyday 24-7!!!