I keep thinking that I didn't have enough time with you. You were here with me for 3 weeks and 1 day, but I carried you for nine months and I know that has to count for something. You and I had a connection long before I layed eyes on you. You knew when mommy was happy or sad, and you knew which parent would be here for you and which one wouldn't. Even though I didn't know your mood or feelings during that time I knew you were there. I could feel every kick, punch, and movement. I only felt one bout with hiccups, but the fact is is that I felt it! My pregnancy was definitely not easy. It wasn't easy because your dad and I separated around the end of my first trimester, and once that happened he didn't seem interested in the pregnancy. He was living his new life and leaving us behind.If I mentioned anything it just ended up being a HUGE fight! I was stressed and hurting from the things that have been said and even now I still feel so hurt. I just feel like I had to go through that time by myself.
In July of 2007 I was able to attend the Soul to Soul Tour which featured Tim and Faith (my favorite country singer). I kept thinking that I didn't share that with anyone special but Cylas you were there for that. You probably didn't like the sound cause it was loud, but you know you were there. You shared an accomplishment with me. For years, I wanted to see Faith Hill in concert and wasn't able to that until that time. I enjoyed the whole show. It was a great show because we were only like 4 rows from the stage. I had to pay alot of money for those tickets, but it was worth it. I was able to hear my all time favorite song "It's Your Love." I guess my emotions got the best of me because I cried the whole time it was being performed. I had just separated from the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with and even though we wasn't where we were supposed to be as a couple didn't mean I was ready to completely walk away from that commitment. Could we have gotten help and actually made our marriage work? I guess we will never know because your dad didn't want that, he thinks that he can analyze any situation and it be right. But right for whom? HIM? ME? or US?
I sung to you in Cherokee. I was only able to sing two songs and I sung those over and over again. I think once your sister helped me out, but that was it. I would talk to you and tell you how much I loved you. I couldn't wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy? Once that info. was known I just couldn't wait to meet my little boy! I wanted your sister to be a boy, but as you can see mommy got herself a princess instead of a prince. But mommy was happy with the out come. I didn't know what to think when I learned your due date was a day after Christmas. I kept thinking how am I going to celebrate this child's birthday so close to Christmas. When you were born I still didn't have it figured out and I thought I had more time to plan. Well now that your in heaven I can celebrate it but without you and I don't have to buy any toys. But that thought doesn't make your day any better. I much rather have you here and give you a million toys then not be able to buy you any at all. I am still thinking about your 1st birthday and I know that it's 4 months away but I think it would be best to think about now rather than later.
I look at some of the pictures I have of you and I don't remember taking any of them. I didn't have time to get pictures of you. I thought that I had time to get all the pictures in the world. I wanted to get your pictures made with your sister. Along with all the other regrets I have that just one of them. I have regrets, I place blame on myself for happened to you, and I have a broken heart.
Cylas you mean the world to me and even though I am missing out on seeing you grow, I know that your ok. I just wish you could be here with me.