CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: Remembering

August 19, 2008

Remembering

I keep thinking that I didn't have enough time with you. You were here with me for 3 weeks and 1 day, but I carried you for nine months and I know that has to count for something. You and I had a connection long before I layed eyes on you. You knew when mommy was happy or sad, and you knew which parent would be here for you and which one wouldn't. Even though I didn't know your mood or feelings during that time I knew you were there. I could feel every kick, punch, and movement. I only felt one bout with hiccups, but the fact is is that I felt it! My pregnancy was definitely not easy. It wasn't easy because your dad and I separated around the end of my first trimester, and once that happened he didn't seem interested in the pregnancy. He was living his new life and leaving us behind.If I mentioned anything it just ended up being a HUGE fight! I was stressed and hurting from the things that have been said and even now I still feel so hurt. I just feel like I had to go through that time by myself.

In July of 2007 I was able to attend the Soul to Soul Tour which featured Tim and Faith (my favorite country singer). I kept thinking that I didn't share that with anyone special but Cylas you were there for that. You probably didn't like the sound cause it was loud, but you know you were there. You shared an accomplishment with me. For years, I wanted to see Faith Hill in concert and wasn't able to that until that time. I enjoyed the whole show. It was a great show because we were only like 4 rows from the stage. I had to pay alot of money for those tickets, but it was worth it. I was able to hear my all time favorite song "It's Your Love." I guess my emotions got the best of me because I cried the whole time it was being performed. I had just separated from the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with and even though we wasn't where we were supposed to be as a couple didn't mean I was ready to completely walk away from that commitment. Could we have gotten help and actually made our marriage work? I guess we will never know because your dad didn't want that, he thinks that he can analyze any situation and it be right. But right for whom? HIM? ME? or US?

I sung to you in Cherokee. I was only able to sing two songs and I sung those over and over again. I think once your sister helped me out, but that was it. I would talk to you and tell you how much I loved you. I couldn't wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy? Once that info. was known I just couldn't wait to meet my little boy! I wanted your sister to be a boy, but as you can see mommy got herself a princess instead of a prince. But mommy was happy with the out come. I didn't know what to think when I learned your due date was a day after Christmas. I kept thinking how am I going to celebrate this child's birthday so close to Christmas. When you were born I still didn't have it figured out and I thought I had more time to plan. Well now that your in heaven I can celebrate it but without you and I don't have to buy any toys. But that thought doesn't make your day any better. I much rather have you here and give you a million toys then not be able to buy you any at all. I am still thinking about your 1st birthday and I know that it's 4 months away but I think it would be best to think about now rather than later.

I look at some of the pictures I have of you and I don't remember taking any of them. I didn't have time to get pictures of you. I thought that I had time to get all the pictures in the world. I wanted to get your pictures made with your sister. Along with all the other regrets I have that just one of them. I have regrets, I place blame on myself for happened to you, and I have a broken heart.

Cylas you mean the world to me and even though I am missing out on seeing you grow, I know that your ok. I just wish you could be here with me.

XOXOXO,

Mommy

1 comment:

AlexandrasMom said...: Sarah - what a beautiful post. I'm so glad you are able to get those feelings out. I glad you know that Cylas was there for you as you were for him.; August 19, 2008 at 8:42 PM

Post a Comment

~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.