PLANNING

The other morning while I was getting Prairie ready for school and I asked her what we should do about Cylas' birthday. She looked at me and said "well mom he will need a birthday cake and some balloons, but no toys because he won't be able to play with them." I was very surprised by her response and very moved at the same time. I know that she misses her brother dearly and sometimes she comes to me with her head hanging low and tells me "mom, I miss Cylas." And then she'll hug me for a moment and then go about her business. There are times that I handle a conversation with her without breaking down, and there are times she just breaks my heart. I can't imagine what she must be thinking and sometimes I can't imagine her pain she is feeling.

When we were laying Cylas to rest and they started covering his grave, she paid close attention to every detail and watched as they decorated his grave with the flowers. She was able to keep a few of the floral arrangements and even some stuffed animals and she held on to those items until there was nothing left. Once they completed his grave she looked at me and asked "Mom, how will Cylas get to heaven with all that dirt on him? I don't think he can make it and we need to help him." At that point and time I didn't have a answer for her. I told her that Cylas had become a magician and that he could make it all on his own. That day was so hard because she had so many questions. Her little mind was probably racing.

Now that I think and I mean really think about it, what if God gave me Cylas to help me through my separation with my EX. He knew that if I was pregnant then I completely wouldn't let myself go nor would I do harm to a baby. Even though I was hurt and sometimes didn't feel like I could go without my EX, I still had life living inside me, and it was my responsibility to make sure that little life was safe. Then I also think what if that's the reason I have my daughter. What if God gave me my daughter first because he knew that down the road I would have to feel the pain of losing a child, and he knew that my daughter would be that light at the end of tunnel, so to speak. I think God made these plans because he knew that I would need something to keep me going even when I wanted to quit. He knew that my love for my children would keep me going no matter what the situation may be. I have to admit over the last seven months I have found myself wondering why, but no answer had come to me.

And yes, I miss Cylas deeply. I miss him so much and wish every night that he was here with me, but the fact of the matter is I am still making it and the reason for that is because I have my daughter who keeps me grounded and who tells me everyday she loves me with all of her heart! And even though I'll never hear those words coming out of Cylas' mouth I know that he knew I loved him with all my heart, because I told him that every single day he was here on this earth!! It's the love I have for my children and wanting to be here that keeps me going. God's gift to me is Prairie and was Cylas. They were what and will forever keep me going. I'll continue to cry for Cylas and I'll continue to enjoy seeing Prairie grow and I guess that's what is suppose to be happening, whether I like it or not.