IT'S ALREADY STARTED

I've been feeling it coming on for a while now. But I feel the DREAD and I can feel the SADNESS headed my way. The last couple of years I've managed to keep my head above the water and I've managed to stay pretty positive. But I can feel it coming and it scares me. It always starts in October and doesn't end until well into February. Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas are always the hardest holidays for me. They are all family oriented and I have a broken family or a missing link I guess you could say; YOU!!! I don't know how I've managed to make this far but I have. It just reminds me of the pain that I still feel and the emptiness that still settles into my heart. Everyone around me knows why I am the way that I am and they try to understand where I'm coming from but I know that they will never fully understand what I'm feeling. I just want to go hide under a rock and let these next few months just pass by without incident.

Everytime I hold Cylas Bear in my arms I cry!! He fills my empty arms but holding the bear takes me back to the night I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home. The young man carried in a basket. I dreaded seeing him coming down the hall because I knew it would be the last time I seen you until the services. I had spent my time holding and rocking you, as if to sooth the pain that I felt. When he arrived at the door of the room I knew what I had to do. I wanted to run!! He stood there looking somber, without words. My family was there and someone said "it's time." I slowly stood up and walked towards the man, holding you in my arms. I was taking in every second I had. I was taking in the smell of you (you were just given a bath). When I finally made it I looked at him and I asked him if I could lay you in the basket, and he said yes. So I fixed your blanket. I made sure it was snug and I kissed your forehead and laid you in the basket. I had tears rolling my face. I gave him some tissue and asked him to keep your nose wiped (because it had been running). He said that he would but how do I know he followed through on that promise, really! He slowly turned and walked away. I watched until he turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That night is so fresh, it's a dreaded memory but it's a memory of you and it's one that I don't ever want to forget. I want to hang to my memories forever.

Please stay close to us Cylas! These next few months are gonna be hard.