It just Wednesday and I already feel like I've been to hell and back!!! Mother's day was rough. I was missing you and I wanted to feel your little arms wrap around my legs and hear you say "I love you, mommy!" I think that will be something I will always miss. I will always long to hold you in my arms. The hurt will always still be so fresh in my memory. I love you Cylas and I hope that you know that.
On Monday night my world fell apart again..............J and I are no longer together. And it seems like he's totally shutting me out!! He said that he needed some time to himself and I didn't fight him on it but now I'm wishing I did. He's battled depression in the past and I want to be there for him. I may not know all the details but I know that it can't be good to shut everybody out!!! I've been trying to find some peace and maybe even wrap my head around this whole thing. But right now I just want to disappear and hide. Every song and everything in my house reminds me of him because he helped me move in and put stuff together. I want to be there for him and I've tried to reach out but I haven't gotten a response. Today his truck wasn't in it's normal spot so of course I'm worried about him. I want to know if he's alright. All I can do is pray for him and continue to let him know that I will be here for him. He told me that he loves me more than anything and I want to hang on to that but I just don't know how long I can do it. I've already been hurt once before and it was really hard to open my heart to him but I did. I'm totally lost and I don't know when I'll be ok. Right now I just cry at any given moment. I miss him!!! Please tell God to help him!!
I hate to come on your blog and put all of this out there but I don't like to talk so I write. Cylas losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I know that the pain will pass but I want to put a rush on it so I can get back to normal, whatever that means!! There is nothing normal about my life anymore. But I want to be that strong woman again not this cry baby I've become. Watch over J. I know that you don't know him but he knows about you. And as always continue to be with us too!!
Love you very much, Mr. Cylas Man!!!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago