Last night my mind was filled with thoughts of you little man. I wasn't sad or feeling down, you were just there. And often times thats how it goes. I've been having some great days. I'm dealing with alot but its not anything that I can't handle. Your big sister is a 2nd grader, Boss is still out of school and her arm is out of the cast, and I'm a busy momma to two beautiful little girls, but I want to be a busy momma to 3 kids that includes a handsome son!!! J and I are going through some growing pains. He's started school and goes at night 4 times a week (sometimes 5). His job has him working out of town this week so I'm not seeing a whole lot of him right now. We've been together for 15 months and it's been great. We don't ever fight, I might try and pout on him but he doesn't let it get to him. He let's me do what I got to do and then he'll ask "are you finished?" I can be in awfulliest mood ever and it all goes away when he comes around or when I hear from him. He has a calming effect over me which is something that I probably need. I love him and would love to spend more time with him. I would even go as far as saying marrying him but then I know that it wouldn't be for the right reasons. But I am ready and missing the wifey thing I just don't know if and when it will happen. I don't want a big wedding. I want to pack up the girls and go away for a weekend and come back a Mrs.!!!! But I think he's still trying to find himself and make his way professionally. If it's meant for us to be together forever it will happen............or it won't.
I suppose I'm happy being his baby!! It took so long for me to open to up to him. The Ex did a number on me and I'm moving forward cautiously. I think its a good idea to go slow and let him do what he feels he has to do. I want to support him and be there for him because I know its what he needs. Just help me make it through these next few months. J knows about you, he knows about everything......the good and the bad. I haven't taken him to your grave, its not time. But he does know about you. He knows that you were not wanted by your so called "dad" and he knows that it hasn't been easy for me. I've picked up the peices of my life. The kinks need to be worked out but I know that one day they will be. I want happily ever after but can that happen? You have a peice of my heart that can never be filled again here on earth. I might get my knight in shining armor but there's no guarantee it will be forever, forever is just a word and it terrifies me. I thought I had my forever once before and it all ended it a moment. I'm treading lightly.
Your uncle sent me a text last night letting me know that he finally set your headstone from your grandpa Alvin. So in all you have 3 headstones. One that was FREE from the so called "dad", the one that I bought, and now the one from Alvin. All that means to me is that you are a special little boy who was loved by a grandpa who didn't have to be. He was not a part of your "dad's" life or Priss' life (which I regret everyday) but when it mattered the most he was there for you. I'll have to make my way up there and see it. I still haven't placed the new flowers or new solar lights so I definitely have to go see you SOON!!! You are my special little boy and I love you with all my heart. I miss you more than anything. On Wednesday, August 24th you will 44 months old. I have two friends having little boys (in October & December). I don't know how to act. I want to be happy for them but yet I'm jealous and angry because they are getting their boys and I don't have mine anymore. The October baby shouldn't be too hard but the December due date is gonna kill me because it's right around your birthday. Christmas already sucks and now I don't know how it's going to be. I want my friends to have healthy little boys but I also want a little boy. I want you!!!! I'll just have to put on my big panties, hold my head up high, and grin and bear it!!!
Sorry to come on here and dump all this stuff on you. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!! God Speed!!!!
You are my Sunshine
5 years ago