CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: Wondering........(thinking)

January 27, 2009

Wondering........(thinking)

I haven't had much to write about. Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating myself. I know that no one will forget how much I miss Cylas or how much I wish he were still here, but what if that's all I know. What if in trying to get back to "normal" I am forever stuck with this pain? I've experienced death before but nothing like this. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I can't seem to put it behind me. I can't seem to move forward. It seems like I only know how to fall backwards.

I remember when my cousin got killed in 1993, I had a rough 6 months and even stayed in counseling during that whole period. I had horrible nightmares and slept in my parents room for a year. His death was one the first that I can recall having such an effect on me, but I can actually say that I got over it and was able to move on. So why is it so hard to move on from this death? I know one thing for sure is because this was my baby. This was a baby that I had my heart set on from the moment I knew I wanted kids; I wanted a boy. He grew inside of me. He was a part of me. I felt him move before anyone knew he existed. This was my little prince. He was suppose to live, grow, graduate from college, get married, & then take care of me when old age took over. He was suppose to bury me, not the other way around. He was taken away and no one has the answers I want.

I tell people that I am doing good, but deep down my pain is still so real. I go to work and complete my day with thoughts of Cylas constantly running through my mind. I am constantly wondering about the what if's, the should have's, or what kind of new things would Cylas be doing right now. I think about all that I've missed and all that I'm going to miss. I'm gonna miss sending him to kindergarten. I'm gonna miss comforting him when he falls. I'm gonna miss cheering him on at football games. I'm gonna miss all of his special moments. But the one thing I know is that I'm not going to forget. I won't forget Cylas. He will always be right here in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind.

I no longer try to keep my distance from other babies, but I don't ask questions and I definitely don't offer to hold them like I use to. Sometimes I'd rather act like they're not there. I don't even know if I'll ever have another baby. I'm not in the position to even think about having another baby. I have no husband and I have no desire to date. All of my focus is on my daughter and sometimes I feel like I'm even letting her down. I've prayed to God asking him to send me a baby to adopt. I think I have enough love in my heart for a child who needs a home with a loving family. But I really don't know the laws to follow when trying to adopt. All I know is that native american babies don't leave the reservation or at least that's what I've heard. My daughter always tells me that she wants a sister and I don't have the right answer to give her. She wanted Cylas to be a sister and it's very clear she didn't get her wish. I always tell her to talk to her dad about that, since he's already remarried and has a new woman to be with forever. He's on the fast track and I'm still lagging behind (but I can definitely say I'm in no hurry).

I'm probably just blabbing on and on and this probably doesn't make sense, but I guess I did have something to share. Will I ever find "normal" again? Will it ever get any better? Will I ever actually "move on"? I suppose the answers to these questions will come in time.

(Cylas, Me & your sister miss you always. We will love you forever! Please stay close sweetie!!)

Cylas' Mom

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~~IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY~~

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.