Cylas, this week has not been easy. I keep re-living your last four days here. I know that I shouldn't do it, but it's going to happen no matter what I do. Those memories are a part of you too! Tomorrow is your one year angelvarsary and I haven't planned anything special. I have ordered you a new floral arrangement. I hope you understand if I don't do anything more. I still feel so "un-recovered" from celebrating your birthday in December. That took alot out of me physically and emotionally. It's been a long hard year with alot of heartache and dread. I've dreaded certain months and holidays and I've felt the heartache over what I am missing out on by not having you here. It is so unfair and I don't know if that opinion will ever change. The other day I posted another picture that I found. When I seen it I cried. It's a picture that I knew existed, but really haven't seen it since you died. It was taken by your "dad" with his cell phone. It can be considered your last picture so it's hard seeing it. You were in the hospital laying on your bed and you just look so helpless. I am so sorry that I couldn't kiss your boo boo and make it better. I would have done anything to make you better and I hope that you know that. I still feel like I've let you down. I feel like I am a failure as a mother. Everyone keeps telling me that it was beyond my control, but it sure doesn't feel like it.
Last night your sister and I spent some time talking about you. I was telling her about the night you died. Sometimes I regret not letting her have a chance to say goodbye, but I also feel like I did the right thing. She misses you so much and constantly tells me that she wants you to come back. She knows that you can't come back, but I suppose she's like me in a lot of ways, she keeps hoping that if she asks enough that just maybe her wish will come true. Cylas you are missed everyday and I don't see any end in sight. We will continue to miss you and we will always wish for you to come back.
I was really hoping to make it through this month without any deaths and that hope was already cut short. Our cousin in Oklahoma passed away on the 12th, but no one in our family can make it out there. Your nana has a sore foot and I know that if it wasn't for that she would have already been out there. It's so hard, because each year we have to face a different January with the same worries. The whole family practically walks on egg shells. None of us want to lose anyone. So with the passing of our cousin, we have lost 6 family members in January on different days. But the only bad thing about that is we're still right in the middle of the month so I guess we'll remain on egg shells until February comes.
Also, we have our cousin Kirk and his family without a home. Their house burned down over the weekend and they've lost everything. Your cousin Stephanie and her kids (Teela & Shine) have been taken to Florida. She was beat up by her boyfriend last week and her mom wanted her to get away from Cherokee and her boyfriend for a little while. Nana & I kept the kids for her and we all fell in love with Teela (she's two weeks old). Your sister wanted to keep her so it was hard to see her leave. Cylas, please watch over Teela & Shine. They need a good guardian angel to make sure they're alright.
Well, I guess I better go. Please visit us. We really need some angel kisses and heavenly hugs!!!
Love,
Mommy
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