New Year

2009 is almost here. As prepared as I think I am, I know that I am not. You were released from the hospital on New Year's day so I have these memories in my head. I've tried my best not to focus on the bad, but it's hard when the bad is weaved into the good. You were home for 11 days before you had to be placed back into the hospital with the "very bad bug." Those 11 days were the best, but I was very tired. I was still recovering from the C-Section, but I refused to have your care placed in someone else's hands, even though at night, I did surrender to my mom. My legs and feet were still swollen, but you were at home and that's all mattered.

I remember lying in bed at night listening to your breathing, almost as if I was waiting for you to cry. I couldn't sleep. I knew that I was moving slow so I thought that I had to be prepared for you when you woke up needing to be feed or needing a diaper change. Your Sissy hated it when you woke up because it interupted her "beauty" sleep, so most of the time I would change your diaper and then head to the living room because I knew that you would be awake for a little while. It was during that time when I would sit with you in my arms and talk to you. I would talk about how much love I had for you, my worries, and of course I would reassure you that no matter how your "dad" felt I would always be in your life and if I needed to be your dad I would do that too. I also talked about how much your Sissy, Nan, & Pops loved you. It was hard knowing that I brought you into world with a broken family, something that I did not want. It just broke my heart.

You liked getting a sponge bath, but didn't like getting your hair washed. I gave you a total of 3 sponge baths while you were at home. Once again that was you and me time. Your sister was very helpful when it came to diaper changes and bottle feedings. I let her gather the materials for a diaper change and I let her fix your bottles. I knew how jealous she was before you were born so I knew that it was very important to make her feel wanted and helpful. A couple times you wore mismatched clothes, not my fault, your Sissy picked out those outfits. I would lay you on the bed and let you move your arms and legs, also I was horrified that Prairie might fall on you while trying to give you her daily dose of hugs and lovins. She would grab your face with both hands, which you hated, and give you a kiss.

It was on your 11th day home that I started noticing something different about you. It was the day of your scheduled circumsion and I noticed something wasn't quite right with your umbilical cord stub, it was draining brown stuff, but I didn't worry too much because I knew that you were going to the doctor and I would voice my concerns then. Well, I told the doctor and he just summed it up to "poor" cleaning and showed me what to do, which wasn't the case, I wasn't doing the cleaning any different then he showed me. It was very frustrating!!! By the next morning on January 12th you were already back in the ER. I don't want to continue because I don't know if I can. Let's just say on January 15th this "very bad bug" had taken you away from me!!!!

I don't like January that much. January is a bad month for my mom's family. We've lost your Great Gma, Great Uncle, Great Uncle (by marriage), your cousin, and then you. Your 1 year angelvarsary is in a couple weeks and I can't help but wonder if someone else will taken from us. It scares me to DEATH. For once, this January I hope we don't have to say goodbye to another family member. There have been so many times when I've replayed the day of your funeral over and over in my head, wondering if I played the part of a grieving mother right or if there were people in attendance who thought I didn't act right. I admit that everyone kept telling that I had to stay strong for Prairie's sake. They kept telling me that I couldn't lose it because I had her to think about. And of course, I kept thinking WTF!!! But during that time I was just moving to the motions and still in that robotic mode! I remember looking at you one last time with tears streaming down my face, rubbing your head and telling you to be good. And saying "gv-ge-yu"! Which means I love you in Cherokee. I told you that I would miss you and carry you forever in my heart. My brain was yelling at me telling to hang on and not let go and grab you and run, but I stood by your casket a few minutes longer looking at you knowing that you were in safest place a mother could ever wish her child to be, but it still made me so SAD and HURT!! I left the casket and sat back down on the pew with my head down crying as hard as I could.

It's not been easy for me. I still stuggle from day to day. I miss you tremendously and sometimes I still find myself in bed listening for you to breath, knowing that it will never come.

Happy New Year, Cylas!!

Always,

Mommy

Re: Happy Birthday, Cylas

Cylas, your birthday has come and gone!! I spent most of the day focused on other things. I was trying to keep it together. On the 23rd we were finally able to put your toys and your Christmas tree on your grave. It looks really good and I hope you enjoyed the decorations!! Your sister put the small trucks and cars in their place and I was in charge of the Christmas tree. I wish that wasn't how my life was. I wish that I didn't have to visit a grave on special occasions.

I hope you liked your balloons, we sent enough for you to share, so I hope you did. I didn't get good pictures because it was raining and dark but your sister and I had fun blowing them up and sending them your way. We also had an ice cream cake to celebrate with. It was just nan, pops, Prairie, and me but I did share the rest of the cake with your uncle Junebug and his family. I didn't have time to tell them what I was planning so they just got the cake. It was a good cake and I think you would have enjoyed it.

I took pictures of all the stuff I have to remember you by. I plan on making a slide slow and putting here on your blog. It was hard knowing that all this stuff is all I have of you. I've got your foot prints and only your left hand print, I have some of your hair, your pacee, a bottle, your bracelets, blankets and about 3 of your outfits that you wore while you were here. I also included shots of my "memory" bracelet, your diaper bag, and your first Christmas ornament.

I tried my best to stay strong!! I did really good, but once I was alone I totally lost it and broke down. I've had about 3 break downs just missing you and thinking about what could have been. And wondering how come my life has to be like this. Your sister told me that I scare her when I cry. It helped to cry though, because I've been holding it in for so long. I don't like to let people see me cry, but when I do, they know why. My mom and I were talking about you yesterday and of course she ended up crying, but I held it in. She misses you so much!! I know that she would have you rotten right about now. Then my brother also mentioned that he was thinking about what you would be doing right now especially the walking part. He was wondering if you would have the same walk as your "dad". With your chest stuck out and your but kind of poking out from behind. It's a funny thought to see that in my head, but I know that you would have that same walk. You were just like him in so many ways. But then he denied you and that's something I'll probably never get over. His side of the family didn't call or didn't place any memorials in our local paper for you. I did. Cylas I won't forget you!!!!

I hope you had a great heavenly birthday!!! I continue to miss you and I'll love you forever with all my heart!!!!

Mommy

Happy 1st Birthday (Dec. 24th)

I know that this birthday wish is two days early, but I won't have computer access until December 29th after today and I wanted to make sure I did this before my time off.

We will sending you some balloons on your birthday so please be watching for them and I ask that you not be selfish and share them with your angel friends, ok. I've told you before that I do have some toys for you, but I haven't been able to place them on your grave, the weather has been so bad. I pray that your actual birthday is pretty so I can go visit and leave your stuff with you. I plan on buying a cake, at your sister's request, and have something small for you on your special day.

I can only imagine what you would have done with a birthday cake! I can see you with cake all over your face, clothes and in your hair. It would be a hassel to clean up, but you only celebrate your first birthday once and there would be no limits. I was worried about your birthday because it was so close to Christmas, but now it's not so hard to think about. You'll have your heavenly birthday's and we'll have your earthly birthday's and the only thing missing will be you!! I've already broken down once today and I know that I will probably cry more and more through out this week. I really hope you know how much you are missed and loved!!!!

Happy Birthday, Cylas Mychal Toineeta!!!!

XOXOXO,

Mommy

A Year Ago Today (24th was on a Monday)

A year ago today I was already in the hospital recovering from a hectic delivery. I didn't know how serious it was until I was out of recovery and was told that they almost lost both of us. I was relieved to have made it and to have my son, but you were in the NICU and I didn't get to see you until Wednesday, which was the day after Christmas. I knew that you were a big boy, but I wasn't sure about your health since I was pretty much out of it for two days. I was alone at the hospital. Nana was keeping your sister and your "dad" didn't feel the need to be there. I hated having to be alone at the hospital. It was so hard not to cry, because all I wanted to see you and make sure you were alright. Once I was able to actually see you I knew that everything was going to be alright. They were doing everthing they could do to find out how come your breathing wasn't stabilizing. You had beautiful blackish/brown hair, so thick!! Your fingers, just like mine! You of course looked just like your "dad" even though he denied you! I held your tiny hand and told you that I loved you!!! I didn't visit long that first day since I was still trying to manage my pain, but the days following were easier and I visited longer.

I prayed every night for you, me and your sister. I hated being away from my babies. If I didn't have to have a C-Section I know that your sister would have been with me. She was sick and I knew that she only wanted her mommy!! But I also knew that you needed me too! Looking back now I don't regret choosing to stay with you while your sister was at home. I know that she understood. She came to visit and was able to see you, which made her feel so much better. She came back to the room, and said "mommy, you feed him too much, he's too big!!" Then she said "but that's my baby and I love him!!"

It was hard for me. I didn't know if I could be a good mom to two kids. What if I messed up? What if I paid more attention to one and not the other? I didn't want to be a single mom, but that's what happened. I knew that it was going to be hard and I was very unsure of myself. But once you were finally at home and my small family was back together, it all just meshed together and you fit in like a glove. Your sister was a good little helper. She didn't seem to be jealous at all. She loved on you as much as anyone else. I was happy that I had her around to help me cause I was moving slow and you were very impatient!!! In so many ways you and your sister were alike. You both had the same short temper! The only difference was that you like to be held and she didn't. I wish that I would have taken advantage of that fact, while you were here, I was more worried about not spoiling you. And I am sorry I didn't take more time to hold you while you were sleeping. I am sorry that I made your lay in that stinky crib, when I could have been holding you, but I honestly thought that I had MORE time!! And I was so WRONG!!!

Mommy

11 month ANGELVARSARY

Cylas it's been 11 months since I've held you in my arms and felt the warmth of your skin on my face. I can't even begin to tell you where this leaves me right now. I am missing out on so much, and it's not fair. No matter how much time passes, I will still have a hole in my heart and I will miss you forever.

Today is your Nana's birthday, but she's already gotten all of her presents. She complains about everything!!! It's hard buying for her because you never know if she'll like it or not. Luckily, I managed to get her exactly what she wanted so I am free of hearing her complain. But you gotta love her. I don't know if she remembers today is also your angelvarsary, but I don't plan on telling her, I want her to enjoy her birthday, KWIM?

Another exciting weekend. I thought your sister was going to go to Nashville with your "dad", but she didn't want to go and he couldn't make her. We're suppose to agree on these things, but he always tries to push me around and it just didn't go his way this time. He never ceases to amaze me. He's acting like I have to bow down before him since he's remarried and everything, and it's just not going to happen.

Cylas, you are on my thoughts today. I miss you so very much!!!! I wish that you were here instead of where you are at, but I also know that you are ok. Please be close today, your sister and I need a visit from you so bad.

Love you baby boy!!

Mommy

We did it together

On Tuesday night, your sister and I wrapped the gift that we was going to donate in your memory. I didn't intend on letting her help me, because I didn't think she would. But as soon as she seen what I was doing she wanted to help. While we wrapped the gift she kept asking me questions: Whose gift is this? Why are you wrapping it? What does donate mean? I explained to your sister that the gift was for another little boy about the same age as you. I told her that the gift didn't have to be wrapped, but I also remember how anxious I was to watch my children tear open their Christmas gifts and I didn't want to take that away from this child, either. Then I had to answer the question about donate and I didn't know how to answer it. After a short time, I told Prairie that we were donating a gift because we couldn't buy anything for you. I told her that it would donated in your memory and that there are other children out there who don't have a lot of toys. She seemed to understand that explanation. Once we were finished, she grabbed the gift and gave it a kiss. She said "in memory of my brother, huh, mom." And I said yes.

I've decided that this will probably be something we do every year in honor of you. I know that there are so many things I want to do, but I can't. If I were a millionaire I would do so much more. I am also hoping that by doing this it would be something that Prairie would do when she was older too!!

I've been doing so much better. I didn't go to the doctor for my anxiety because I haven't had any attacks lately. I've been reading. I am on the last book in the Twilight series and I've really gotten into them. I've even been dreaming about the book and the movie. I started reading to relieve my stress level and to ease my mind. Surprisingly it has helped. I still miss you and I still think about you all the time, but it not as hard. But that's just it, I don't know how long this will last. I don't know how long I can stay calm without totally freaking out.

I also smelled this sweet scent in my room this morning before I completely woke up, was it you? If it was, thank you for visiting.

Love,

Mommy

Hello Again

Cylas, my precious little boy. So much has happened since my last entry. I am trying to "live" through December. I am preparing myself for what's coming. I keep telling myself that I will make it and that I can do this. Iwodi, Nana, Jay, and I took off for the weekend. We went to Pigeon Forge. We went to the Dixie Stampede on Friday, shopped all day Saturday, and Sunday made our way back home.

On Saturday, I found out that your "dad" got married AGAIN!! I don't know why I've let this bother me so much. I mean I know that he's a liar, he's broken every promise he's ever made to me, so I don't know why his new marriage is bugging me so much. We haven't even been divorced for a year and he's already taken the plunge again. But I know that his "new" wife didn't want to have to mess with you and she made that very clear with her words after you were born. So I really hope that they enjoy their new life together knowing that they don't have to deal with you. Iwodi still has to be in middle though, and I've learned how to deal with that. Well I miss you and always will!!!!

I bought an age appropriate gift to donate in your memory. I kind of figured since I can't shower you with bday or Christmas presents then I can give to another child in need, KWIM. This will probably be a new tradition for me. Your sister asked me how come I did that and I told her that another baby needed presents too, so why not buy them one and donate in your memory. Right now she doesn't understand, but I know that when she gets older it might be something she can do to. Cylas, I haven't bought a baby gift or even baby clothes since before you were born and I can't seem to make it happen. And I loved shopping for babies, that was my thing. You have a new cousin who I need to buy for, and I can't do it. Maybe I'll be able to one day, but not right now. I really hope that my family understands.

We have some items to place on your grave but the weather has been sucky!! We've had snow & rain, but as soon as it gets pretty Iwodi and I will take your stuff to you. We have you a "baby" Christmas tree, two trucks, a car, and some "windmills". I can't remember the correct name for the "windmills". We are going to either buy a small cake or make a cake for your first bday and then we'll release some balloons. So you be looking out for your balloons in the coming weeks, ok. I know that none of this will make up for a "real" bday celebration, but it's all I can do. Aside from missing you everyday and thinking of you everyday, I don't know what else to do.

It's 16 more days until your bday and I keep telling myself to be strong. But also at any given moment I know that I could lose it all together. Your sister misses you so much!! Please stay close to her, she really needs to know your here.

I love you with all my heart!!!
Mommy