Good Morning, Little One

Good morning Cylas!!! I feel so much better today. I visited with you last night but it's only for a few minutes. Your sister was having a "me" moment and only wanted to do what she wanted to do. So I am sorry my visit was rushed, but it was not intended to be that way. I had to rush all my thoughts into a short statement so it probably didn't make any sense!! The one thing I always want you to know is that I LOVE YOU!!!

I know that I am not the best writer in the world and I don't claim to be, but it's an outlet for me. It's a way for me to express to you how I am feeling from day to day OR it's a way to vent my anger and my feelings without having to fight with someone. KWIM? I've never been good at just talking and I believe that's my big down fall. I've learned to bottle everything up and I do a very good job of it!

Well any hoo, Cylas, I do love you and I miss you more than anyone will ever know. No one knows what kind of pain I am feeling. There are times that I could cry at the drop of a hat and there's nothing I can do about it, but CRY!! So my little one, good morning to you, and please be close to your sister and I.

XOXOXO,

Mommy

Real Quick

Cylas, it's mommy. Just stopping in real quick to say "HI" and that I love you, always!!! I wish that you were here so I could give you a giant hug and tell you all this stuff while holding you in my arms. Sissy is sick right now and after going through what I had to with you, I am extra cautious when she gets sick. Please be close to her. Let her feel your love!!!! I want to let you know that she takes good care of "Stripes" and you have nothing to worry about. Your tiger is in good hands. Nan & Pops miss you so much too! Sometimes it's hard for us to deal with everything and I know that we all feel like we can't take much more. But we never know what's around the corner and we can only pray that God keeps us safe. Watch over your uncle and his family. They are in Oklahoma right now.

I just want you to know that I love you and I guess I could say it a million times and it would be true!!! I do get down and have my sad moments but I always seem to pull through. I still want you here with me and it's unfair that you had to leave me to go to heaven so soon. I had some good times while you were here and I talked to you all the time. You are in my heart and mind 24-7!!!

Love Mommy

Thoughts

Today I am having one of those days. I went out for lunch and the need to cry hit me like a rock. I broke down for no reason at all. I still have so much anger and hurt to deal with, I really don't know how I am making it. And of course all the feelings I have are towards my EX. I just keep thinking about everythings he's said and done, and I also think about how he treated me after we loss Cylas. There are so many things I would like to tell him and get it out, but right now the thought of him stresses me out. I've told him about some things but he doesn't know half of how I actually feel.

I feel like I am so alone in my grief for Cylas. It would be so nice to have my EXes support too! It would be nice if I could talk to him and he would actually listen. He's not concerned about me and I guess he hasn't been in a while. He's nice when he doesn't have anyone else in his life, but the moment he has someone else, I am no longer worthy of his time. He expects me to be there for him when something happens, but yet he doesn't want to be here for me. He turns his back on me and then wonders why I am still so mad at him. I am trying my best to work with him when it comes to our daughter, but like I've said before it's really hard. He doesn't have any respect for my family and he showed that when he finally went to visit Cylas and he took his current girlfriend too. I believe with all my heart that she's the one who came between us and then she ran her mouth about me while I was pregnant. I really don't care for her and I probably never will. My uncle is going to tell him that she's not welcome at the family cemetary. He's gonna tell him it's for immediate family only! I think it's best that it comes from my uncle because if I try to say something he gets mad and starts argueing with me. And I definitely don't need anymore stress in my life.

It's been raining here and all I can think about is the fact that Cylas is getting wet!! I think I feel guilty because I missed my visit with him and haven't been able to make it up due to the rain. I've talked with him and asked him to forgive his mommy for not visiting him on his day. He's 8 months old and I am missing out on so much. When Cylas left me he took a huge part of me with him. I wanted him to have the best. I had so much planned for him since he was going to be my last child. I couldn't wait for him to get big enough to interact with his sister. His sister didn't want a brother and she was very vocal about that early on in the pregnancy. She wanted a sister. I told Prairie that God would decide whether she would get a brother or a sister and she would just have to wait and see. The moment she saw him for the first time it was love at first sight and he instantly became her "baby", not mine. So I was really relieved when she accepted her baby brother. It remains hard for both of us because we want him here.

This is what's on my mind today. These are my thoughts and as you can see Cylas is a very active thought in my mind.

LOVE YOU CYLAS!!!!

XOXOXO,

MOMMY

Sorry, SON

Sorry Cylas, but I didn't get a chance to visit you yesterday like I had planned. But I didn't do it on purpose, sometimes it's best if I just stay busy and keep moving. I keep telling myself that I don't have time to break down and cry, because I have to do this or that, but I am really trying to hide the fact that I still miss you so much. I thought about you all day long and just kept thinking about how big you might be if you were still here. And I've said it before but some days are better than others and I think it's going to be that way for a while. You are 8 months old now, and I can't imagine what you might have been like no matter how hard I try. I am always so STRESSED and I am trying to work on that but nothing seems to work or help.

Just a little while ago it was raining here and I started thinking "Cylas is getting wet!" And I felt tears building up and I had to make them go away before I cried or they streamed down my cheeks. Those kind of thoughts hurt me, because I can't protect you from that rain. I mean I couldn't even protect you when you were here, so what makes it so different now! KWIM? I beat myself up sometimes. I want you back in my arms. I want to see you and your sister bond. She tells me that she wants another brother or sister, I guess she gets lonely, but I don't have a response for her. I am not dating nor do I have anyone in mind. I don't want to go through another pregnancy. I keep telling my self that I'll adopt, but I don't know how to get that process started. I am just not ready for anything else right now. I am the only person who knows when I'll be ready and right now I know that I am not

I wanted to apologize to you for not visiting with you yesterday. I owe you some new flowers and I will get those this week for sure. I am pretty sure Momma can be a little late with her visit, right! I also wanted to let you know that I didn't, haven't, and never will forget about you. I love you and miss you all the time. If I could move heaven and earth to bring you back to me I would. My aunt was talking about you the other day and she said that God took you from us because your daddy denied you and it was God's way of showing that he can give and he can take. I don't know about that, but I thought to myself, but I wanted him, did my thoughts or actions not count for anything in that decision. Cylas, mommy wanted you more than anything and I never left you. I was there for you and I hope you felt me. I know that humans are very selfish and we have alot of wants and we have a lot of it's about me, not you in this world. I am selfish because I want you here. But do you blame me?

XOXOXO,

Mommy

My Fears

I've talked about losing my son, and the effects it's had on my life. But I also have a fear that's been looming overhead since January. We (myself, my EX and his mother) have a lawyer looking into his medical records from all the physicians that he was seen by and to look at how his treatment might have been taken in the wrong direction at the hospital where he died. I guess I should have just said we're trying to see if we have a wrongful death case against the hospital. I believe with all my heart that my son was "killed" and I just don't know how to handle that thought in my head. I have no closure at all. We chose not to do an autopsy. I couldn't put him through that, because I know what they do to a body with that procedure and I just couldn't put my little boy through that. I thought that he had already suffered enough before he died. KWIM? And even though I can say he died of complete organ failure, there was a reason why that happened. I know that all the money in world will never bring him back, but I basically just want answers. And sometimes those possible answers scare me to death.

I don't know what I would do if the results came back and we have a case against the hospital. I don't know if I would be relieved or not. And I can definitely say that my heart would be broken all over again if I find out that my son didn't have to die. I will be more hurt than ever to find out that he could STILL be here had it not been for the actions taken by the physicians in charge of his care. I could probably have a total breakdown, and that's what I've been avoiding since his death. I am trying my best to keep going and moving forward, but sometimes it just gets so hard. I try to put up that protective wall and just when I think I have it built strong something happens and it crumbles all to pieces in an instant. There are many times that I wish Cylas was still here. I miss him continually on a day to day basis. I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for those "scary" answers, and I try to put that in the back of my mind because the lawyer has already warned that it is a long process and that we have to have all our ducks in a row. The lawyer has already received one report back from his professional advisor, but she needed more information about me and she had a feeling that information was missing from Cylas' file. That report came back in March, and the new information should have been sent off in June. So right now we are still waiting.

Aside from all the waiting, I keep thinking that what if we have a case and we receive money. Who should get that money? Do I share it with the dad who didn't claim his son? I don't know what to do or think. In my heart I don't want the money I just want my son back!!!! I want him back more than anything. On Sunday the 24th Cylas will be 8 months old and I just can't even imagine how he would have changed from birth. I don't dream about him and I don't ever see signs that he may be around. I think my connection with him is just gone and it's not anyone's fault. I stay stressed all the time and I know that must have some kind of effect on my mind and my body. I stress over the small stuff and my relationship with my EX isn't that good. We don't get along. I don't like the woman he's with because she ran her mouth about me the whole time I was pregnant with Cylas. She kept telling everyone that my EX was not the father and I know that she had to receive that information from him, because he was denying Cylas. Then once Cylas arrived she said that she wasn't happy he was a boy because she thought my EX might come back to me. The way I take that comment is that she wished Cylas didn't exist and I think she must be happy he died because it didn't take her man away from her. And that just really burns me up. It just goes to show that she didn't want him here because she didn't want to lose her precious relationship and that's poor judgement, on hers and my Ex's.

I will try not to focus on this too much. But I know that I can honestly say no matter what the outcome my heart will be broken again and I know that the pain will be unbearable once again. I wanted my son more than anything and if I find out that he could still be here... I can't even wrap my mind around that thought.

Cylas, mommy is having a moment today. I can't quit thinking about the possibility of you still being here and you know that's what I wanted the most. I know that I will be angry if you didn't have to die and I know that I will have to deal with those feelings all over again. I want to have closure and I don't know if that will ever happen. There are so many things I wanted to do with you, and now I never will. I miss you every day and I think about you everyday. Please be close to your sister and me today!! We need to feel your angel hugs and heavenly kisses!

XOXOXO,

Your Mommy

Scary Moment

On October 17th of last year, I had a scary moment during my pregnancy with Cylas. I started bleeding and had been warned to go straight to the nearest hospital if this happened. I had been diagnosed with placenta previa, but my doctor had assured me that the placenta was ONLY particially covering my cervix and before time of delivery it should have moved away from my cervix completely. I went to our hospital here on the reservation, but they sent me to Haywood County hospital where I spent two days. They said that I had been having contractions, but I couldn't tell. I could feel the baby moving but that was it. On Thursday (Oct. 18th) they ordered an ultrasound and it was discovered that my placenta moved and it was now safely away from my cervix. They told me that the baby was fine and that he already weighed around 5 to 6 pounds. I think I was about 31 weeks, so you could tell that he was going to be big. They were giving medicine to keep me from going into early labor and I was released Friday, October 19th. I didn't have anymore bleeding.

At this time, I was still having problems with my EX and he wasn't that interested in this pregnancy like he was with our daughter. So, I didn't call him or his mom to tell them that I had to be put in the hospital. I told my mom not to call them and I was able to keep Prairie away from them during that time so she wouldn't tell them. But on Saturday, she spent time with them and I guess she let it slip. My EX didn't ask right away, and I honestly didn't plan on telling him anything. I kept thinking why I should I, He had already denied you were his son, so why did I need to share any kind of information about you. He even got mad one time and brought that up and I just told him will you never ask about the baby, you don't claim him, and you don't seem to be concerned about him or me at all. I told him that everyone who cared about us was the one's who were contacted when I was put in the hospital. I had a very stressful year and I still get stressed dealing with my EX. I just rather not have any contact with him at all. He's only nice to me when he doesn't have another woman in his life and as soon as a new one OR the same one comes back he goes right back to treating me like trash. So I figure why even bother!! KWIM?

I didn't have any more incidents until Dec. 24th when I had a placental abruption. I am thankful that I was at parents house when that happened because if it happened while I living alone with Prairie, I probably wouldn't be here and neither would have Cylas. I moved in with my parents in October after that first scare. In the house I was living in there wasn't a phone and I am not sure if Prairie could have made it to their house by herself. So I am very glad that I made the decision to stay with them because I wouldn't have got to meet my son if I didn't. I am still living with my parents, but I am in the process of trying to get a house. Prairie is starting to want her own space and at times my mom can drive me crazy.

Today, aside from the scary moment I wrote about, I will take Prairie and sign her up for Gymnastics. She has been begging me since one her friends started last year. So I am finally going to take her and get her signed up after work. I had planned on doing about two weeks ago, but she wasn't listening or anything so I kept putting it off. However, she has been doing good. Doing what has been asked of her so I think she deserves this surprise. Her uncle said he would come watch her in the Olympics if she ever made it. Her uncle loves her to death.

For some reason this week I just want to write about everything, even if it doesn't make sense. I must have the writing bug or something. I still miss Cylas daily and I am continually wishing for one more day with him, knowing that I won't get it.

Cylas, mommy is missing you today and everyday!! Please stay close by!!!

XOXO,

Mommy

Remembering

I keep thinking that I didn't have enough time with you. You were here with me for 3 weeks and 1 day, but I carried you for nine months and I know that has to count for something. You and I had a connection long before I layed eyes on you. You knew when mommy was happy or sad, and you knew which parent would be here for you and which one wouldn't. Even though I didn't know your mood or feelings during that time I knew you were there. I could feel every kick, punch, and movement. I only felt one bout with hiccups, but the fact is is that I felt it! My pregnancy was definitely not easy. It wasn't easy because your dad and I separated around the end of my first trimester, and once that happened he didn't seem interested in the pregnancy. He was living his new life and leaving us behind.If I mentioned anything it just ended up being a HUGE fight! I was stressed and hurting from the things that have been said and even now I still feel so hurt. I just feel like I had to go through that time by myself.

In July of 2007 I was able to attend the Soul to Soul Tour which featured Tim and Faith (my favorite country singer). I kept thinking that I didn't share that with anyone special but Cylas you were there for that. You probably didn't like the sound cause it was loud, but you know you were there. You shared an accomplishment with me. For years, I wanted to see Faith Hill in concert and wasn't able to that until that time. I enjoyed the whole show. It was a great show because we were only like 4 rows from the stage. I had to pay alot of money for those tickets, but it was worth it. I was able to hear my all time favorite song "It's Your Love." I guess my emotions got the best of me because I cried the whole time it was being performed. I had just separated from the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with and even though we wasn't where we were supposed to be as a couple didn't mean I was ready to completely walk away from that commitment. Could we have gotten help and actually made our marriage work? I guess we will never know because your dad didn't want that, he thinks that he can analyze any situation and it be right. But right for whom? HIM? ME? or US?

I sung to you in Cherokee. I was only able to sing two songs and I sung those over and over again. I think once your sister helped me out, but that was it. I would talk to you and tell you how much I loved you. I couldn't wait to find out if you were a girl or a boy? Once that info. was known I just couldn't wait to meet my little boy! I wanted your sister to be a boy, but as you can see mommy got herself a princess instead of a prince. But mommy was happy with the out come. I didn't know what to think when I learned your due date was a day after Christmas. I kept thinking how am I going to celebrate this child's birthday so close to Christmas. When you were born I still didn't have it figured out and I thought I had more time to plan. Well now that your in heaven I can celebrate it but without you and I don't have to buy any toys. But that thought doesn't make your day any better. I much rather have you here and give you a million toys then not be able to buy you any at all. I am still thinking about your 1st birthday and I know that it's 4 months away but I think it would be best to think about now rather than later.

I look at some of the pictures I have of you and I don't remember taking any of them. I didn't have time to get pictures of you. I thought that I had time to get all the pictures in the world. I wanted to get your pictures made with your sister. Along with all the other regrets I have that just one of them. I have regrets, I place blame on myself for happened to you, and I have a broken heart.

Cylas you mean the world to me and even though I am missing out on seeing you grow, I know that your ok. I just wish you could be here with me.

XOXOXO,

Mommy