29 MONTHS OLD

Cylas,

I just wanted to let you know that I am missing you today. Today you are 29 months old!! I wish you were here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish you could come back and be in my arms. I love you more and more everyday!!!

HAPPY 29 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

LOVE,
Mommy

THINKING ABOUT YOU

Today I am thinking about you! You have been gone for so long but yet my heart still aches for you. I love you Cylas!! I miss you!

LOVE,
Mommy

28 MONTHS AGO OUR GOODBYES WERE SPOKEN

I wish that number would get lower instead of higher. I've been having some awesome days but then this day, it seems to sneak up on me. It's not actually until tomorrow, but sometimes I can't always post from my blackberry. I was awake until 3 am this morning thinking about you and feeling bad all over again about things that I couldn't do for you. It really SUCKS this world of mine. I mean I am trying to move forward and be happy and I have been happy thanks to J and whatever it is that we have going on right now, but then I get knocked back into reality and realize that no matter how happy I might be, I will never be fully happy ever again. In a perfect world you would be here, growing up and running around chasing your sisters. And I know that it's never gonna happen. Were missing out on your life and your missing out on ours.

I can't believe it's been 28 months already though. All those awful memories are still so fresh in my head. You are a handsome little boy and if I had known that I wasn't getting a whole lot of time with you, you would have been in my bed and in my arms those two weeks you were actually at home. I would have spent every moment with you, I mean I did that, but I would have tried harder to let you know that Momma loves you. I think my biggest fear is that you didn't know how much I truly love you. I felt so guilty over so many things and I didn't get a chance to make that guilt go away. Now I have even more guilt and pain that I am dealing with and trying to make the best of it.

In my heart, I know you are happy and healthy in heaven. I know that I have nothing to worry about. You are probably an expert at flying by now and I am pretty sure you still play with all your angel friends. And I know that you are very helpful to those new angels that have arrived, you know showing them the ropes and making them feel at home. I know that I have my very own angel in heaven and I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and just squeeze you so tight you'll be squirming to get loose. I definitely can't wait to run my fingers through that hair of yours and pinch those chubby, chubby cheeks. You know I don't think I'll ever understand why I must go through the rest of my life without you but I will spend every minute carrying you in my heart and making sure your not forgotten!!

Mommy wants you to know that I love you very much!!!!! I miss you more than anyone knows!!

MOTHER'S DAY

Mother's Day doesn't hold much meaning to me. I mean, yeah, I have two beautiful little girls here with me but I am still missing a handsome son that I long to hold in my arms. None of the holidays are special because someone is always missing from my day. This poem was posted on BBC and I wanted to share it here. I hope that is ok.

I am writing to you from Heaven

And though it must appear
A rather strange idea
I see everything from here.


I just popped in to visit
Your shops to find a card
A card of love for my Mum
As this day for her is hard.


There must be some mistake I thought
Every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card
From a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a Mother too
No matter where I reside
I had to leave she understands
But oh the tears she cried.


I thought that if I wrote to you
That you would come to know
That though I live in Heaven now
I still love my Mummy so.


She talks with me and dreams with me
We still share laughter too
Prayers are our way of speaking now
Would you see what you can do?

My Mum carries me in her heart
Her tears she hides from sight
She thinks of me and misses me
Sometimes far into the night.


She plants flowers in her garden
There my memory dwells
She helps other grieving parents
Trying to ease their pain as well.


So you see Mr. Hallmark
Though I no longer live on earth
I must try to find a way
To remind her of her worth.


She needs to be honoured
And remembered too
Just like children on earth
For their Mums today do.


Thank you Mr. Hallmark
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do
To you I’ll leave the rest.


Find a way to tell her
How much she means to me
Until I can do it myself
When we’re joined in Eternity


(Author and title unknown)

MY RANT

I can't believe the nerve of my EX and your sperm donor, Cylas. I'm finally ready to try and start dating again and he finds a way to make me feel so angry and mad all over again. I have a Facebook account, and he recently set one up for himself, too. Well I guess yesterday he found mine and seen where I was talking about J and how much I like him and everything. So he texts me and says "what's up?" And I'm like what to do you mean? And he said oh I just seen your FB account. I told him that I loved FB! I thought that would be the end of the conversation, but I was wrong.

Then he said I see you have a new beau and I said no not yet, but I'm working on it. And he said oh, well I have to admit I was a little jealous, but I am happy for you. I'm like WHAT!!! I was livid. After everything that has happened in the last three years he has no right to be jealous over anything or anyone. He lost that right when he walked away from our marriage and decided to end it. He denied you and said you were not his son. I was upset and mad the rest of the evening. I even had a conversation with J but couldn't enjoy it because I kept thinking about the EX!!! He's so ridiculous. He has a new wife, he made his choice and I guess now he has to live with it.

And that's not even the topper to this whole drama. He's been asking me if he can come see the house. He said that Prairie "told" him she wanted him to see her new room. I've come thisclose to agreeing on that happening, you know to keep her happy, but then I find out she hasn't even said anything about him coming to see her room at all. He's using her to get to me and I almost let it happen. I should have known better. I feel like an idiot right now.

Go figure, as soon as I'm ready to open up to someone new, and a GOOD someone, my EX decides to add his two cents. J makes me smile, I just think about him and I smile. That's something that hasn't happened in a long time. We've had our first conversation on the phone and talked about everything. I told him about you, and of course he already knows about Prairie and Boss, but I know he was just making sure I didn't have like ten more kids hiding somewhere, HA! He likes Vampires, which I think is AWESOME! He works, and no one has to make him work, I had to threaten the EX in order to get him to keep a job! J is just better. And I've been praying so hard about this. I don't want my heart to lead the way, which is what happened the last time, I want God to have a hand in this. If J and I are meant to be then I guess we'll know soon enough. I am pretty sure you can see a little difference in me. And you are more than welcome to nudge J's thoughts my way, if you want to!

My EX is realizing what he's missing. He sees all the blessings I've received. I'm blessed to have three wonderful children and soon I'll be blessed with my very own house. I recently got a different vehicle, not new but it's new to me. I truly feel blessed. I don't what else to say. Things are moving along with J and I feel like I'm finally in a happy place. I don't need anyone trying to ruin that. I can honestly say that I am really jazzed about J and can't wait to hear from him. I hope I get to see him tonight. I've been trying to get him to the movies, but he's always working. He's such a hard worker!! So different from the EX!

THE TWINS

Cylas, my heart is breaking right now. I just talked to my cousin Linda. She lost her son last June to an overdose. He left behind twin boys. Their names are Andrae and Bryan and they will be turning 4 in September. They are so young to already be without a daddy. I wish that he had made better decisions than he did, but I guess it was in God's plans.

These two little boys miss their dad so much. They don't understand why he's not coming back and when they get mad at their mom or Mamaw they tell them to call their dad to come get them. Andrae was staying with his Mamaw the other day and he told her he wanted the angels to come and take him away so he could be with his daddy. She talked to him and told him that it may be a while before angels come for him. She told him that he may be 50 years old before the angels need him in Heaven. She said but until then you need to stay here and when it's time for you to go then the angels will come get you and take you right to your daddy. As she was telling me this tears streamed down my cheeks. I hate to see or even hear of kids being in so much pain. Because there's really nothing that can you say to make them feel better.

Unfortunately, those boys don't get that at home with their mom and her boyfriend. If the boys bring up their dad they change the subject. I can't say for sure if this is healthy or not. I know that after losing you, I wanted to completely shut down and not talk to anyone, but your sister was the one who kept asking questions. She wanted to know what happened and she wanted to know why you were not coming home. She had these exact same questions and even though they were hard to answer I did the best that I could and I continue to do that today. If she wants to talk about you, then we talk about you. And if we end up crying, then that's alright too! I think that the boy's mom should take some time to talk to them or find someone who will talk to them. Little kids need an outlet too! If they feel like they don't have one then their behavior could change.

Their Mamaw also keeps pictures of her son up all over her house. She told the boys that by having those pictures it allows their dad the oppurtunity to see them. And that's very good to. I know many times I sit in my room and talk to your picture. I trace over your features and fall in love all over again with my handsome little boy! I think the Mamaw is doing a very good job with helping these little boys. But she needs some help. I can only pray and ask God to send them some comfort. I don't get to see these boys but that doesn't mean that I don't love them or care about them.

Cylas, I know that I ask you to do many things from your little cloud in heaven, but you can drop all that and visit these little boys, your cousins. Let them know that their daddy is always around even if they see him. I know Andrew and he wouldn't want his boys hurting so much. Give them some peace and let them know that their going to be ok. You are a good angel and you've helped momma and your sister so much. I love you with all my heart!!!!!

Mom

JUST LETTIN' YOU KNOW

Cylas,

I think momma is falling in love again, I guess that's what you could call it, but who knows. It's a surprising feeling, one that I thought I would never feel again, but on the other hand it's very terrifying. No worries though, it's still in the early stages, it's almost like a new car, you know you have to get a feel of the car before you know if you like it or not. I'm attracted to him, I mean he got my attention from the get go but things are moving slowly right now. I've only had a couple conversations wtih him and then there are the occasional "hello's" and smiles that we share. We are still getting to know each other.

I think I can honestly say I am scared to death. I thought I didn't want another relationship. I thought that I had convinced myself that I was better off alone, well you know, just me and the girls. I definitely don't want to get hurt again. I have days that I want this to work and then I have days when I have a lot of doubt about the whole thing. I plan on taking it day by day.

This guy goes to Nan's church, he's really nice, he's 36 and has a steady job. Actually he's an electrician and I plan on getting him to help me when I get in the house. He's offered to hook up my security lights that are on the corner's of the house and to check my outlets to make sure they work and are hooked up. I don't know if he know's I like him but right now I'm just keeping this to myself. Your cousin Earl is anxious for something to happen. He said that he knows J is better than the Ex, which is the truth, for now.

So for now I can't say where this will lead. And I'm kind of glad it is moving slowly because there are a few goals I want to reach before I bring a man into my crazy life. I want to have a home and I want you and the girls to have a home. That's been the biggest obstacle thus far and it's getting so close to happening. I also need to learn more about J. I want to make sure he's not crazy and I want to make sure he likes kids. That's another big worry that I have. I keep thinking about that question and running it over and over through my mind. I keep thinking about the numerous things he could say or the things he couldn't or wouldn't say. I am worried that the girls might actually scare him off. And I guess that's why I remain unsure about this.

I don't know why I came here and wrote to you about it. I guess I kind of figured you might know something I don't know. I would like to ask you to help me out, send me some kind of sign that would resemble a yay or a nay!! Does that sound crazy???

Mom