OH YEAH

On DWTS this week (week 6) Jake got kicked off!!

HEY

Well Cylas, your sisters had a good time at the Zoo. Your nana decided to go with us at the last minute so Boss was able to go to the Zoo too!! Boss fell in love with the Monkeys and both of them seemed to really like watching the Otters swim around. I like monkeys to, I think they are so cute!!!

We had one of Iwodi's friends wtih us. Her name is Quana. She was with us the whole time and towards the end she done something to her ankle and ended up spraining it pretty bad. But I think she'll be fine. Overall we had a great time. I am going to add some pictures of Quana and Iwodi on a Camel and then a pictured of a gorilla we seen.

Of course you probably seen everything we did from your cloud in heaven but I still wanted to share them.

TRIP

Cylas,

Your Big Sister and I will be going to the Knoxville Zoo. Boss will go to school and Nan and Pop will pick her up. I know that sounds bad, but I think Iwodi and I could some mother/daughter time. She always likes it when it's just me and her. I guess because she has my attention and knows that no one will interfere with that attention. However, you are more than welcome to enjoy this trip with us. I know that Iwodi will talk about you and how much you would have enjoyed this trip, so I ask that you be with us. We carry you in our hearts always! I know that we will make the best out of this trip no matter what.

Thinking about you today! I miss you so much.

Mom

THE PIC SAYS IT ALL

Cylas,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today.

28 MONTHS OLD.......TOMORROW

Cylas,

I know that I've been using your blog to post about other things. Here lately I haven't had anything to say. I send you messages everyday, letting you know that I haven't forgotten my special little boy. My thoughts are always of you, wondering and thinking about what might have been. Sometimes I feel like you've slipped too far away from my mind and I feel sad because I don't dream about you. When I do dream about you, which I've only done once, I wake up freaked out rather than relieved. In a dream I had a few months ago you were alive and you could talk. It was as if no time had passed in my life but you had changed, you were no longer a baby and you understood what was going on around you. I think you even told me that you were ok and that I didn't need worry because everything was going to be ok. Son, I know you are trying to ease my sorrow but I'd much rather have you here with me and your sisters.

I can't believe you are going to be 28 months old. I can't believe how much time I've missed. I see other little boys your age and automatically feel that sting in my heart. I can't even bring myself to shop for little boy toys or clothes. My friends little boy had a birthday and I couldn't even look at anything. I ended up getting him a gift card. I've noticed there are some things that are too difficult for me to do. I still don't act right around baby boys, I tend to keep my distance and only comment when "expected" to. I also still want a little boy and I really hope that you understand that I am in no way hoping to replace you. You will always be my Cylas! You will always and forever be my little boy. I've said it many times, when you made your trip to heaven a part of my heart was taken with you and that part is yours and yours alone. And I love the girls, I love each you with all my heart but the momma in me wants a boy. But that want might not ever happen because I don't plan on having more kids. I guess I'm hoping I get lucky and someone will give me their boy. It's a nice thought.

I've been very slack with the visiting but I've been going and going. Sometimes I feel like the energizer bunny, I feel like I never stop to smell the roses. I'm starting to get excited about moving into our house, FINALLY. I'm registered at Walmart and I'll probably register at a few other places too! I've got the funds to buy what's needed for a house, just haven't been looking. I've done price checks on TV's and beds but that's about it. I've been going on school trips with your Big Sis and I've been chasing the little one around, she goes and goes too! I am so tired at the end of the day it's not even funny. I'm also trying to get another vehicle. So as you can see I have alot on my plate. I am also trying to participate in a Fundraising Committee at your sister's school and I will be going on another school trip to the Knoxville Zoo next Thursday. I'm busy, busy. But once it slows down a little I will visit more often. I carry you in my heart 24-7 so just know that I have not forgotten you.

HAPPY 28 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

Momma loves you & your sisters love you!!!

DWTS week 5

I am blogging with a heavy heart! Kate was eliminated tonight! But I am very proud of her and I totally supported her! I think single mom's need to do whatever they have to no matter what anyone says!

Kate I hated to see you go!

ELIMINATION WEEK 4

This post may be a little late, but to be completely honest with you. I missed the elimination show this week. I chose to go watch "Why Did I Get Married Too?" while I was TN. But I have caught myself up by reading PEOPLE magazine onine and found out who got eliminated. One of my male picks was sent home. BYE BYE Aiden!!

It makes me feel better knowing that Kate is still on there. I can't wait for next week's show.

27 MONTHS

It's been 27 months since I've said Goodbye to a gorgeous little boy who stole my heart the moment I looked into his eyes.

DWTS Week 4

Well I only watched half of the program last night. I missed the other half because I had to go out for a little ride. The older I get the more I become a night owl!!

But from what I read about last night's performance's it looks like Kate has improved but she didn't move from the bottom in the scoring. I was on my cell phone last night riding through Cherokee voting for Kate. I didn't vote for anyone else.

I was able to see Evan, Erin, and Niecy dance before I left and they did pretty good. The judges are being very knit picky this year. Or they could always be like that but it just seems like they are alot harder on these celebraties than previous contestants.

I won't be able to post about the elimination show, not sure if I'll get to watch it or not. I'm going out of town for the night and bound for Dollywood in the morning. But I will try my best to update when I return on Thursday.

I wish we could receive a "Spring Break" like the school children do.

Cylas, I'm thinking about you today. I want to ask that you be with your sisters. Prairie hurt her arm over the weekend and Teela is trying to get sick. Please ask God to help them get better ok. I love you and miss so much!!!!!

TREES, TREES, AND TREES

Remember when I said they were going to start clearing 40 ft. of trees for my powerlines. Well they started yesterday and the pictures above are only the beginning. It looks like beavers have taken over my land. It looks awful. And I think the company only cuts them down, they don't do any kind of clean up or nothing.

I think I'm going to need some man power after this job is complete. What do you think?

CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CYLAS

Last night was a diffucult night, why? I don't know. Prairie wanted to talk about Cylas. It might not have been the best decision but we talked about day and/or evening he died, depending on how to look at it. She missed that and for good reason. During the most devastating time of my families life Prairie was at our cousins house. She was unaware of the events that were unfolding. But I knew that would be the best place for her.

I told her about how much his appearance had changed since the last time she had seen him. He was all swollen, his arms up over his head because he wasn't able to lay them at his side, and just the way he was breathing I knew that would have been hard for her to see. She understands why I didn't want her to be there and now says that she didn't want to see him die. Of course, I didn't tell her all the details but just enough to help her understand.

I told her how hard it was for me to "wait" for him to die and that I only wanted to save him. And then once he did pass away, I told her about how badly I wanted him back and I still want him back. When the doctor called his time of death I was right there holding his little hand and running my fingers through his thick black hair with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't scream or wail out but I knew that I had lost him. I think the robot mode started almost immediately. It didn't get bad until I got home and realized my baby wasn't with me. His pictures from the hospital were laying on the table waiting to be opened, so I opened them. His crib was empty and cold. My mom asked me if I was going to be able to sleep and I simply said I don't know. I had a very long night. I was listening for him to breath and even waiting for him to wake up for that early morning feeding............but all I heard was nothing but silence.........dead silence.

We talked about when she came from our cousin's house and how I told her that her brother went to heaven. She broke my heart all over again because she didnt' want to believe it. She thought I was going back to the hospital to pick him up just like I had 2 weeks before. We sat in our bedroom and cried. Then I gave her Stripes and told her about his "special powers". Needless to say, Stripes slept in her arms last night as she cried herself to sleep. I feel so bad for her. She misses her brother alot more than I realize. But she tries her best to keep going too!

I asked Cylas to be with her and help her through out the day. She sent him messages through Stripes and I know that he was sitting on his special cloud just waiting to receive them. So instead of bedtime stories at our house, we have conversations about Cylas. She talks about some of the same things I talk about you know what she misses about him. Apparently, she really loved those chubby cheeks. Those cheeks are everyone's favorite.

Cylas, you are missed everyday and the only assurance we have is that you'll live on forever in our hearts and we'll see you again one day. And on another note, your sister told me last night that if she ever has a son his name will be Cylas, in honor of her awesome, brave brother who now sleeps in an Angel's arms.

Mom

ELIMINATION WEEK 3 (DWTS)

Hallelulah Kate survived!!!

So far all my favorites are still standing!!

BYE, BYE Buzz!!! He's an American Hero and now some what of an accomplished dancer.

Week 4 here they come!!!!!

DWTS WEEK 3

I watched DWTS last night and I voted. I voted for Kate and Niecy, I wanted to vote for Erin (mainly because I think Maks is so CUTE) but wasn't able to. Apparently, I used all my voting up on Kate, OOPS!

Evan received 26 out of 30 points
Buzz received 13 out of 30 points
Jake received 21 "                      "
Niecy received 21 "                    "
Chad received 20 "                     "
Pam received 21 "                       "
Aiden received 20 "                     "
Erin received 23    "                     "
Kate received 15  "                      "
Nicole received 23 "                     "

I had my note pad out and kept up with everyone's points (see above). Everyone did an amazing job and the judges were a little "judgemental", but hey, that's their job, right! Tonight is the elimination show and you never know what will happen. I hope Kate gets at least one more week. It seems like everyone is against her but I am totally behind her. I support anyone who has a dirty rat EX. She's doing the best she can and I wish she had more of a fan base.

GOOD LUCK to all Dancers tonight!!!

SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T SEEN LATELY BUT HAVE HEARD OF IN THE PAST

I'm talking about my house of course. I told myself that I wouldn't talk about my house again until I knew we were "moving" forward. It has been a long and hard process but I am happy to say we ARE moving along, just at snail speed. I don't know when my last update was. So here we go, the only thing left to do on the inside is to finish putting the tile down in the living room, it would have been done last week but they ran out of tile. And our power company is sending their tree cutting crew up tomorrow to start clearing 40 ft. of trees for my power line. That has taken the longest because you have to have a permit to cut trees and then my aunt has tried to make the process even longer by stalling. But I think it's all good to go. Once the tile is in then it will be time for me to do my walk through. This is my chance to have them correct anything I might see wrong with the house itself and I think that could happen within the next week or so. Then I'll have to get my power turned on and Tribal Construction will come up and do my sewer system and stuff like that. I don't think I'll move in until June but I'll be surprised if it happens sooner than that. I am so happy and relieved. I was beginning to think I would be living with my parents forever. I am just so excited and ready to have a place to call "home". My home.

On another note, Easter was ok. It's just another holiday with out you. We dyed eggs Saturday night and Teela spilled blue egg dye all over the place before we even started so needless to say she missed out on dyeing eggs. She was calling it Juice. I dyed eggs in your place and Prairie dyed eggs and wasn't willing to share any of her colors with us. But that was fine we had blue and blueish green. So our eggs looked real bright and pretty. Prairie spent Easter with her Grandma (her dad's mom), which usually never happens. I wanted her to be with me. And I'm sorry Cylas but I didn't do anything special at your grave. I haven't had any money or time to do anything but go to work and come home and sleep and then go back to work the next morning. Prairie will start soccer practice Wednesday so there's another thing to add to my list. I really hate that I wasn't able to get you anything.

How is Easter in Heaven? What happens up there? Does Jesus share his life story with you and your friends? Or is it just another day with nothing going on? I wish you could give me the answers to these questions. It be fun to know what goes on up there from time to time. Well anyway I hope you had a great Easter, Cylas.

Loving you and missing you always,
Mommy

HAPPY EASTER!!!

It's going to be a long weekend around here. I'm not even close to being ready for Easter. I don't anything for you, Prairie, or Teela. We just bought Easter egg dye last night and we usually have that a month ahead of time. I think time just flies by tooooooo fast! I'm so sorry that I've been getting slack on the visits and getting you things for special holidays/occasions. It's not I'm busy or anything................I'm still trying to save money for the house and I know if I start spending what I have then I won't have nothing and that would be bad. I am going to try my best and find you something, I promise.

HAPPY EASTER, CYLAS!!!!!!!!!