Easter 2012


Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


International Babylost Mother's Day: May 2nd

Abiding Hope

Abiding Hope
Thanks Franchesca!!!!!

She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it

Cylas' Butterfly

Cylas' Butterfly
Thanks Bree!!!!

Cylas' Angel Wings

Cylas' Angel Wings
Thanks Lea!!!!

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints

Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thanks Malory!!!

Calvin's Cupcakes

Calvin's Cupcakes
Thank you Crystal

July 28, 2009


I mean please tell me, how does he go from this TO THIS


Well Aunt Martha, was sent back to our local hospital last night. But they said her head was still bleeding (not sure how much). But even her doctor here said that they should have kept her a little longer in Asheville. They said that all the bleeding was due to the fact that she was on so much aspirin. I don't know how common it is, but the doctors here use aspirin for diabetic treatment. She has to stay at the hospital until they have a room available at Tsali Care Center.


Yesterday I called the LAWYER. ( I hate that word. I don't know why. I've never been in trouble, but that word is very intimidating.) I called him in late May and he said that he was hoping to hear from Mission in Mid-June. So I "made" myself wait a little longer before I called back. He said that the FIRST time he talked to the administration they said that they didn't see anything that they did wrong!!!!! (WHAT!!!! Are you kidding?) So he said well, I think you all need to look at it again. Because we have this and this and this complaint against you. So we are waiting for a SECOND response. He thinks they are really reviewing this case since he went back through and pointed to the problems. My lawyer has told them they need to make a decision so the family (me) can make a decision about the next step. I HATE this waiting game. It's been 18 months since I lost Cylas and I am still playing this annoying waiting game with the hospital that killed him. When I think about how they carried out his treatment I get angry all over again.

1) He was in a NORMAL room for three days and they knew he had sepsis when he was admitted.

2) They kept telling me that it was ONLY a skin infection and it could be treated.

3) On Monday, January 14th he had a permenant IV line placed in his left shoulder. He was brought back to the room at 1:00, around 1:30 the nurse upped his IV fluid to 75 cc an hour. (It was only supposed to be for a little while, but it turned into about 10 hours.) Cylas was on 75 ccs until 10:30 pm. In that time, 6 pounds of liquid settled into his body, the doctors and nurses tried everything to make that liquid move out of his body and nothing worked.

4) Tuesday morning, he wasn't peeing, he was having a hard time breathing, his arms, his arms were already above his head and he could not lower them. His little heart was having to work too hard!! It was then that they moved him to the ICU but it was too LATE!! The damage had been done.

5) By Tuesday night, the sepsis infection had made it into his blood stream, thanks to the IV fluid overload. They couldn't operated because he had lost his ability to clot (they had taken his blood that morning and it was still bleeding). So if they opened him up he would bleed to death. AND thanks to all of that IV fluid, blood was not getting circulated to all of his major organs. The doctor and surgeon informed us that there was nothing more they could for him and the option was up to us. We were asked if we wanted to take him off life support or let nature take it course. I chose to let everything happened naturally. (This news was given to us at 7:00 pm.)

6) At 9:15 pm my little man was GONE!! His heart, kidneys, lungs, and eveything else had shut down.

So, if by reading this, YOU as my readers still see nothing wrong with how they took care of my son, then please let me know. That hospital is FREAKIN' CRAZY!!!!!!! I am just so angry that they even had the nerve to say they did nothing WRONG!!!! They could have handled my son a little bit better then they did. I don't know for sure if he could have survived sepsis, but they sure as hell owed it to him to try and fight!! I know that I asked questions, his grandma asked questions, we all asked questions and we were all lied to. I didn't learn that he had sepsis until he was already dead. It was never mentioned to me. They kept telling me he had a skin infection.

I am just ANGRY!!!!!! I needed to VENT!!! I needed to get all of this out of my head. Thanks for listening (reading).

Cylas' Mom
(Cylas, sorry about this post. I am just so upset and angry right now. I wanted to take some time and say that I love you and miss you very much. And I want you to know I did everything I could while you spent your time in the hospital, but sometimes I feel like I didn't fight hard enough.)


Anonymous said...

I think they were in the wrong and if they think they aren't well their idiots. Obviously, they didn't do everything in their power to help Cylas and they are at fault!...Hugs to you. I'm here if you need me!!

Suzan said...

Oh my goodness gracious! We live right outside of Asheville and all three of our kids were born at Mission. Your story broke my heart and then when I looked at your side bar and realized where you were, my heart skipped a beat. I am so sorry that you lost Cylas because of the apparent stupidity of the staff at Mission!

It is no wonder that you are upset and angry...I would be too. I am sure you fought hard for your son during his hospital stay and I encourage you to continue fighting for him so that no other family loses a child under such unfortunate circumstances!

God bless!


I have completely fallen in love with this song

Honey Is For Bees



Unredeemed by SELAH


Don't Go Away (Buckcherry)

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)



Every Breath You Take




I'll be Missing you







In Memory of Those I've Lost

Nelly Furtado


I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

Cylas @ 7 days old

Cylas @ 7 days old

My Sister, I-wo-di

My Sister, I-wo-di
The Princess

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

Meet my Sister

Meet my Sister
Hi! I'm Iwodi!!

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

It's Cylas!!!

It's Cylas!!!
Taladu @ 2 weeks old

Names In The Sand