I have been struggling with my belief too. I was raised in church and taught to believe in God. But after losing Cylas it has become very hard for me. I am angry at God for taking my son. I was talking to my mom the other night about this and she told me to be careful because your not supposed to get angry at God or question his intentions. But that doesn't mean that I don't. I WANT ANSWERS more than anything!! I WANT to know WHY? It gets so frustrating.
I don't like being angry at God, but I just can't find it within myself to fully rededicate my life to him when he didn't let me keep my son. But it's not just GOD that I am angry at. I am also angry my EX. He denied Cylas and I want to think that it's his fault Cylas died. If he didn't deny him then maybe just maybe he would still be here. Then of course I get angry at myself, because I was his mother and I should have been able to do more for him. So the anger isn't all focused on God, but the fact that he's a part of it is scary. I don't want to be punished. I don't want to lose my DD or the new addition to our family. I couldn't survive another loss, I just couldn't.
I am trying to find a way to cope with these feelings. I thought that it was okay to voice your feelings. I thought it was all apart of the healing process. I guess you can be angry with everything or everyone except God, at least that's how my mom made it sound. Losing Cylas has set me aside from everyone else. I do have questions, I do have alot of anger, and I didn't deserve to lose my son. I would have been a great mom to him and that was all taken away from me. If I am not supposed to blame God, then who do I blame. I prayed to him, I asked him to heal my son, I asked him to let me keep my son. And I got nothing, he took the son that I always wanted.
Cylas, it gets so hard. I find myself almost on a daily basis trying to find a way to vent my anger. Most of the time everything that I am feeling plays out in my head. I spend my days trying to look happy and I don't really want anyone to know how I really feel. I miss you enormously!!!!! What else can I do or say? Everyone questions the actions of someone, even God. But is it wrong? Am I wrong? Or is there any right or wrong?
I guess all I can really do is ask for prayer. I need to find some peace. I need to know that I am going to be ok. I need to know that everything is going to be alright.
(Cylas, please stay close to us. We love you with all of our hearts and we miss you just as much)