UPDATE & VENT

I mean please tell me, how does he go from this TO THIS

(UPDATE)

Well Aunt Martha, was sent back to our local hospital last night. But they said her head was still bleeding (not sure how much). But even her doctor here said that they should have kept her a little longer in Asheville. They said that all the bleeding was due to the fact that she was on so much aspirin. I don't know how common it is, but the doctors here use aspirin for diabetic treatment. She has to stay at the hospital until they have a room available at Tsali Care Center.

(VENT)

Yesterday I called the LAWYER. ( I hate that word. I don't know why. I've never been in trouble, but that word is very intimidating.) I called him in late May and he said that he was hoping to hear from Mission in Mid-June. So I "made" myself wait a little longer before I called back. He said that the FIRST time he talked to the administration they said that they didn't see anything that they did wrong!!!!! (WHAT!!!! Are you kidding?) So he said well, I think you all need to look at it again. Because we have this and this and this complaint against you. So we are waiting for a SECOND response. He thinks they are really reviewing this case since he went back through and pointed to the problems. My lawyer has told them they need to make a decision so the family (me) can make a decision about the next step. I HATE this waiting game. It's been 18 months since I lost Cylas and I am still playing this annoying waiting game with the hospital that killed him. When I think about how they carried out his treatment I get angry all over again.

1) He was in a NORMAL room for three days and they knew he had sepsis when he was admitted.

2) They kept telling me that it was ONLY a skin infection and it could be treated.

3) On Monday, January 14th he had a permenant IV line placed in his left shoulder. He was brought back to the room at 1:00, around 1:30 the nurse upped his IV fluid to 75 cc an hour. (It was only supposed to be for a little while, but it turned into about 10 hours.) Cylas was on 75 ccs until 10:30 pm. In that time, 6 pounds of liquid settled into his body, the doctors and nurses tried everything to make that liquid move out of his body and nothing worked.

4) Tuesday morning, he wasn't peeing, he was having a hard time breathing, his arms, his arms were already above his head and he could not lower them. His little heart was having to work too hard!! It was then that they moved him to the ICU but it was too LATE!! The damage had been done.

5) By Tuesday night, the sepsis infection had made it into his blood stream, thanks to the IV fluid overload. They couldn't operated because he had lost his ability to clot (they had taken his blood that morning and it was still bleeding). So if they opened him up he would bleed to death. AND thanks to all of that IV fluid, blood was not getting circulated to all of his major organs. The doctor and surgeon informed us that there was nothing more they could for him and the option was up to us. We were asked if we wanted to take him off life support or let nature take it course. I chose to let everything happened naturally. (This news was given to us at 7:00 pm.)

6) At 9:15 pm my little man was GONE!! His heart, kidneys, lungs, and eveything else had shut down.

So, if by reading this, YOU as my readers still see nothing wrong with how they took care of my son, then please let me know. That hospital is FREAKIN' CRAZY!!!!!!! I am just so angry that they even had the nerve to say they did nothing WRONG!!!! They could have handled my son a little bit better then they did. I don't know for sure if he could have survived sepsis, but they sure as hell owed it to him to try and fight!! I know that I asked questions, his grandma asked questions, we all asked questions and we were all lied to. I didn't learn that he had sepsis until he was already dead. It was never mentioned to me. They kept telling me he had a skin infection.

I am just ANGRY!!!!!! I needed to VENT!!! I needed to get all of this out of my head. Thanks for listening (reading).

Cylas' Mom

(Cylas, sorry about this post. I am just so upset and angry right now. I wanted to take some time and say that I love you and miss you very much. And I want you to know I did everything I could while you spent your time in the hospital, but sometimes I feel like I didn't fight hard enough.)

ACCIDENT

On Saturday, your great aunt Martha had an accident. She was in her garden working and fell. She busted her head open. At OUR local hospital, they couldn't get the bleeding to stop and the doctors thought her brain was starting to swell. She was flown out to the same hospital you died at. Martha is very STUBBORN!!! Once she made it to Asheville she got 6 staples in her head to close up the wound and they ran numerous tests on her.

When she gets out, she has to go into to rehab for about two weeks. Except she's already said she'll stay for ONE week. They've found something on the C-Scan but they have not said what it is or if it's anything to worry about. Cylas, it just never seems to end. We've had two cousins pass away within a months time and now your great aunt has gotten hurt.

Please watch over your great aunt.

Love,

MOMMY

19 MONTHS OLD

It's time to turn another month older, Cylas. I wish you were here so I could see the changes your body has made. I know that you would be climbing around like a little monkey. I know that you would probably follow your Big Sister everywhere and try everything that she tries. I wonder if you would still be my little bear or if you would have lost your chubbiness by now. Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine how you would look right now, but there are times that's hard to do.

I don't think I'll ever quit wishing you were here. I have a huge peice missing from my life and I'll never get that back. I wish there was a way for me to take the few pictures I have and have them aged from month to month, so I would at least see some kind of change.

HAPPY 19 MONTHS CYLAS!!!! I LOVE YOU!

Mommy

THINKING & I'M SORRY

Cylas I know that I really haven't had one of those sit down and cry moments in a while. To be precise, I haven't done that since March when your "new" little sister came into my life. And it's not because I don't miss you, I do!!! I miss you every single day. I still wish every day that you could come back. But I just don't feel the need to cry anymore. Teela and Prairie definitely keep me busy, but that's so not the point of this post.

I often wondered what it would be like not to cry for you or over you. I wondered if that meant I was done or if it meant I had already forgotten all that I had gone through. To answer those sentences: NO!! I have not forgotten and I am not DONE. My heart is still broken, though it's healing very, very slowly. I refuse to sit back and erase you from my memory and my life. And I'm not done crying for you, I just don't feel the need to anymore. I am still very sad, very hurt, & very lost. I have a child in heaven and that's not normal. I should have all my children here with me. You will be 19 months old in a few days and I intend on reminding my family. (I always do) I still remember your angel date and I will forever and always remember your date of birth. I guess I just never thought my tears would end and it's scary for me. It's scary and it makes me feel bad.

I'm sorry for not crying. I'm sorry for being disconnected from you. I'm sorry that you didn't get to live a full and happy life. I'm sorry that you have to watch us grow and move forward without you. I'm sorry.......................................:(

Cylas, you are forever in my heart. I will always love you and I can't wait until I am able to hold you in my arms again. You will always be my little prince. I miss you so much, I don't even have the words to explain how much I miss you. Mommy has not forgotten about you and my heart still aches. I'm just trying to stay focused on my little rainbow and your big sister. They are both getting so big.

Always thinking about you and apologizing for leaving you out (sometimes)

Mommy

MY MEMORIAL NECKLACE

keepsake bag

necklace using bag as background

Side 2

Side 1

I am so excited. I received my necklace I ordered yesterday and I couldn't wait to come share it. I really like the way it turned out. Cylas, I know you will be pleased. I love you little man!!!!

Mommy

18 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

I know that I am a day late, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I remembered you. I know that yesterday was your ANGELVARSARY. I wasn't able to post. I was off because there was another death in the family. But I wanted to make sure you knew that I didn't forget about you.

Mommy loves you very much. I miss you more and more everyday.

Mommy

BLOG HOP DIDN'T WORK

I am kind of disappointed because the blog hop I attempted to run didn't work. I couldn't get my site added to the list or anything. Maybe I'm not internet savvy enough or something. I don't know if I'll try it again next week or not.

I want to share one picture of Teela with you. I want you see how big she has gotten, but of course I know you probably already know that. I really hope that you watch over her and Prairie all the time, every day!!

I hope you are doing alright and know that I always love you and miss you!!!

MOMMY

BLOG HOP

"Cylas at two weeks old. Isn't he the cutest!!!"

My name is Sarah. I started this blog to help me after I lost my son Cylas. I've made some wonderful friends and I hope to make many more. My son is loved and missed always. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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COMPARING.....

Your sister at 3 months old

You at 2 weeks old

Cylas with your sister getting ready to graduate from pre-school and start her journey into BIG school it reminds me of how I won't be doing this with you. I am so excited for her to begin this new journey, but I am also terrified!! I was asked to look for a picture of her at 3 months old and I've found one. I also had the chance to realize how much you and her actually looked a like. I'm not going to have the oppurtunity to go back and say how much you've changed (or haven't changed), but with her I am.

Each picture changes. New characteristics come through each new picture taken, but yours, will always be the same. So I may post the same pictures over and over, but they are all I have. I can turn them upside down, side ways, or flip them and they will always be the same. It's not fair that your images in my mind will never change, and it's not fair that I have to miss out on big and little milestones in your life. I have to fight to keep your memory alive. I have to fight everyday with those regrets I feel in my heart

The picture of Prairie at 3 months old can be compared to your 2 week old picture. You both had those chunky cheeks and the thick black hair. It's so sad that these two pictures will be my only comparisons of a brother and sister.

I will post them, ENJOY!! Can you see the resemblance?

Love,

MOM

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

I just wanted to wish you a happy 4th of July, Cylas. I wish you could be here.

Also, if I still have readers, I really hope you have a fun, safe 4th of July!!!

Questioning my Belief

I posted this on babycenter just a few minutes ago. And it's been something I've struggled with since you died. I wanted to share this post on here. Read below:

I have been struggling with my belief too. I was raised in church and taught to believe in God. But after losing Cylas it has become very hard for me. I am angry at God for taking my son. I was talking to my mom the other night about this and she told me to be careful because your not supposed to get angry at God or question his intentions. But that doesn't mean that I don't. I WANT ANSWERS more than anything!! I WANT to know WHY? It gets so frustrating.

I don't like being angry at God, but I just can't find it within myself to fully rededicate my life to him when he didn't let me keep my son. But it's not just GOD that I am angry at. I am also angry my EX. He denied Cylas and I want to think that it's his fault Cylas died. If he didn't deny him then maybe just maybe he would still be here. Then of course I get angry at myself, because I was his mother and I should have been able to do more for him. So the anger isn't all focused on God, but the fact that he's a part of it is scary. I don't want to be punished. I don't want to lose my DD or the new addition to our family. I couldn't survive another loss, I just couldn't.

I am trying to find a way to cope with these feelings. I thought that it was okay to voice your feelings. I thought it was all apart of the healing process. I guess you can be angry with everything or everyone except God, at least that's how my mom made it sound. Losing Cylas has set me aside from everyone else. I do have questions, I do have alot of anger, and I didn't deserve to lose my son. I would have been a great mom to him and that was all taken away from me. If I am not supposed to blame God, then who do I blame. I prayed to him, I asked him to heal my son, I asked him to let me keep my son. And I got nothing, he took the son that I always wanted.

Cylas, it gets so hard. I find myself almost on a daily basis trying to find a way to vent my anger. Most of the time everything that I am feeling plays out in my head. I spend my days trying to look happy and I don't really want anyone to know how I really feel. I miss you enormously!!!!! What else can I do or say? Everyone questions the actions of someone, even God. But is it wrong? Am I wrong? Or is there any right or wrong?

I guess all I can really do is ask for prayer. I need to find some peace. I need to know that I am going to be ok. I need to know that everything is going to be alright.

(Cylas, please stay close to us. We love you with all of our hearts and we miss you just as much)

Love,

MOMMY