I DIDN'T REALIZE.................

Yesterday, I was thinking about your cousin Andrew. You wasn't here long enough to meet him, but you might meet him now that he's in heaven. We used to spend our summer days in the woods, sliding down dirt banks, riding bikes, going to our "secret" club house, and searching for lost cities in our hand made tunnels. It was me, him and his little brother. We had a lot of fun. We were so close back then. But as you know, as we grow sometimes those bonds change and ours definitely did. I suddenly turned into a responsible wife & mother, and they both were still young and had their lives to live. Then Andrew has his twin boys and I thought for sure he would calm down and be the responsible parent for those boys. He was a good dad and he loved those boys but he still wanted to party and do drugs. Bubba, the lil' brother, quit school at 16 and moved in with his cousins. So I didn't and still don't see him that much. I am worried about Bubba now, and I hope and pray that he doesn't do anything crazy.

I've recalled certain things that Andrew would say or do when he was little and I laugh about them. I remember he couldn't say wood pecker; he would say "woody, woody Hecker." He had a toothless smile when he was smaller, and I accidently cut off his rat tail. (He swore to me that he wanted it cut off, but at the last minute he changed his mind but it was too late.) He got mad at me for that but a couple days later he said that it was the best thing I could have done because it made him look "HOT"!! I also remember when he crashed into bank riding his bike down the hill, he didn't get hurt, but got mad because we laughed at him. I grew up with him and even though we drifted apart as of late, it didn't mean I didn't care about him or love him. You just never know what life will throw at you and I've learned that the way with you. I can't say that I am having a hard time, I just can't believe that he's gone. He was only 21 years old.

I didn't realize it until I looked at his memorial card last night, that you died on his birthday. Andrew was born January 15, 1988 and you died January 15, 2008. It surprised me and it hit me like a rock because I never noticed it until last night. Next week is my birthday, June 15th, you have an angelvarsary on the same day. Next Monday, you will be gone for 17 months and I really wish I could say that it's gotten easier, but it hasn't. Last night I told your nana, that at least you had family in heaven waiting for you, and you've even had a few join you since you've left. It's a sad realization but at least I know it.

Cylas we haven't forgotten about you. Each day brings new challenges, and each day brings new wishes. I love you more and more and I wish that I could hug you again and kiss your cheek. Please continue to watch over us and tell everyone that I love them and miss them too!!!!!

(Oh yeah, you have a new stuffed animal. I bought you a new monkey at Dollywood on Saturday. I am trying to stay with the theme of your blog, so I might slowly drift back into collecting monkeys just for you.)

((((HUGS))))
Mommy