Will I Ever get over Losing You?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the same person I used to be. Sometimes I think of myself as being bitter! The Bitterness comes from having to deal with a cheating Husband and then divorcing him 11 days before your birth. And then also the painful loss of you. Sometimes I just don't understand what I did wrong? Why did you have to leave me? Did I do something to make God angry? I don't know if anyone can answer these questions. But losing you has been the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life. I never wanted to lose a child, especially not one that I wanted so badly. I've had one miscarriage, that pregnancy was a surprise, but I wanted that baby too! I was in the pit for a while after that. I wanted to blame it on the whole world! But then just 6 months later I was pregnant again with your sister, and all my pain from that miscarriage was gone. So is that the answer to my questions, do I need to try and have another baby? Will that ease my pain? Don't know about that, but all I want is you. I want my Cylas back, that's all I know in my heart. I will always miss you for the rest of my life! There is always going to be someone missing. I will always know that I should have a handsome son by my side right along with his beautiful sister!!

So I don't know if I will get over losing you. A part of me longs for that closeness and another part of me is relieved that you don't have to suffer anymore. You were in pain and the doctors did nothing to help you, they let you get worse and they even helped you along!!!!! I am still waiting on a response from the lawyer, and I really hope and pray that those doctors can be held liable for your death!! I want to have someone to blame other than myself!!! You were taken from me, and I'll never know the reason!

"Godspeed, Sweet Dreams. Little Man!"

Mommy

What's in a name?

Cylas you don't know how many names I tried to come up with when I was pregnant with you. I am a HUGE fan of Charmed and since your sister's name is Prairie and starts with a P just like the sisters, I wanted to try and have your name start with a P. I didn't have anyone standing in my way when it came to naming you, since I had asked your dad not to expect a roll in this since he wasn't claiming you at the time. I thought about tons of names that I thought sounded good with Michael. Because no matter what your first name your middle name was going to be Michael. Your middle name was in honor of your proud pops (my dad). I know that legally his first name is listed as Mike but Michael was the correct version. I thought about using Phineaus, Payton, Paxton, Payden, & Preston. But I just wasn't satified with any of those. So I had to give up on making you and your sister have the same initials all together. On to other names such as Hayden, Dimitrius, Lucas, Thaddeus, and Garron. But none of these names seemed to be good enough.

When I was expecting your sister I didn't know if she was a boy or a girl so I had to have a girl name and a boy name picked out. So if she was girl her name was going to be Dayanara Monique (as you can see the first name changed before she arrived) and your "dad" was responsible for picking out the boy name which he did and it was Silas Jade (don't ask). But I didn't pick Silas because of your dad, but after going through all those other names and not finding one I really liked I chose Silas, but I wanted it spelled Cylas. For some reason, you just seemed like a Cylas to me. In my heart I knew your name just had to be Cylas. So for the first time during my pregnancy with you I knew your name would be "Cylas Mychal". As you can see I like to use usual spellings too! But not only did I have to have an English name for you I also had to choose an indian name for you too. And after looking and hearing all the names I had picked, I chose Ta-La-Du which means cricket. I just really liked the way it sounds when it's pronounced. So I know "cricket" doesn't sound like a really great name, but I knew that it was a perfect fit.

When you arrived 2 days early on December 24th, I was prepared with a name for you and didn't have to worry about that at all. It only left more room to worry about other things during that time. Which I did! So you graced us with your presense and for the first time I was able to hold and look at my little man, Cylas Mychal Toineeta!!! (though I had to wait a couple days to do that, but it's was all worth it because I had my precious little boy.)

So that's what's in YOUR name. You are named Cylas because I really like that name and your middle name is Mychal because of your pops. When we were having your funeral services the preacher man said your name and he paused for a moment and then he said that you had a good biblical name!! At the time I didn't even think about your names being biblical, but that comment warmed my heart. It let me know that I did a good job naming my first and only son. I just wanted you to know how hard it was for me to pick out your name and then how wonderful it felt knowing that it was a biblical name.

XOXOXO,
Mommy

Memories

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

We love and miss you,
Mommy & I-wo-di

I thought of you

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new,I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,All I have are memories and your picture in a frame,Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never partGod has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

I am with you always

As you hold me close in memory, even though we are apart, my spirit will live on, there within your heart ... I am with you always. When you lean on trusted friends and their caring hugs enfold you, within their loving arms, I'll be there to hold you ... I am with you always. And beyond the far horizon when we'll finally be together, where love will be eternal and life will last forever ... I am with you always

God's Littlest Angel

Mommy and Sister don't cry for me.

To walk the earth was not meant to be.

I'm in God's house you see.

I watch over you every day.

I know that you love me in a very special way.

You wanted me to be healthy and whole,

So you had to let me go.

You will get to see me every day

As you look at the children who pass your way.

I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin

Or the little girl with the golden curl.

You will know what you did is right

Because When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night,

I will be the star that is shining so bright.

I love you Mommy and Sister good night.

Looking Back

Looking back on my life as it is right now, I never thought I would be the mother of an angel baby, a single mother, and a divorced 27 year old. I always pictured myself with the love of my life and being able to handle anything. I am not saying my EX was not the love of my life, but it was clearly not meant to be. And I would have done anything to keep Cylas here with me. I do have that regret, and I will live with the regret of not being able to save my son for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps telling me that there was nothing I could have done any different, but in my mind I keep thinking that there must have been and I missed it.

Being a single mother is not easy. I miss having that partner there to help with the parenting. My daughter is a beautiful little girl who knows what she wants at the age of 4. I am trying my best to be a good mother and sometimes I feel like I fail her in so many ways. We're both still grieving over her brother and I know that she must be hurting over the divorce and not being able to have her dad in her life 24-7. Sometimes I think we both take our anger and frustration out on each other having yelling matches and her trying to get her way by hitting me. To make matters worse I live with my parents and they continually take up for her when I try to discipline her. I just feel like I am bad parent and that I can't deal with it all. But my daughter melts my heart everyday when I hear her say "mom, I love you with all my heart." So I know that I must be doing something right or she wouldn't say that. Then I also think about how I will NEVER hear those words coming from my son and that hurts me so much.

I don't know if my pain will ever end or if I'll ever be able to move on to another relationship. I am so hurt and my trust level is way down. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that also scares me. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who will love me for me and take me as I am. I also want someone who will love my daughter and even my son. I haven't learned how to deal with everything and I still pretty much hold everything in. And I haven't learned how to deal with life in general, but I have learned to take it one day at a time. My grief comes in waves, sometimes HUGE waves, but I am always able to look up and be thankful for what I have and be thankful for the little life that was shared with me for 3 weeks. Cylas was my prince charming only he didn't know it. But I do know that he knew that I loved him with all my heart and I always will. There has been a reference to a song called "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks and I love that song and I also like the phrase "I will send my love to you each night on angels wings." That phrase is so true. I do send my love to Cylas every night and I know that he also loves me too!!!

Cylas' Mom