Being a single mother is not easy. I miss having that partner there to help with the parenting. My daughter is a beautiful little girl who knows what she wants at the age of 4. I am trying my best to be a good mother and sometimes I feel like I fail her in so many ways. We're both still grieving over her brother and I know that she must be hurting over the divorce and not being able to have her dad in her life 24-7. Sometimes I think we both take our anger and frustration out on each other having yelling matches and her trying to get her way by hitting me. To make matters worse I live with my parents and they continually take up for her when I try to discipline her. I just feel like I am bad parent and that I can't deal with it all. But my daughter melts my heart everyday when I hear her say "mom, I love you with all my heart." So I know that I must be doing something right or she wouldn't say that. Then I also think about how I will NEVER hear those words coming from my son and that hurts me so much.
I don't know if my pain will ever end or if I'll ever be able to move on to another relationship. I am so hurt and my trust level is way down. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that also scares me. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who will love me for me and take me as I am. I also want someone who will love my daughter and even my son. I haven't learned how to deal with everything and I still pretty much hold everything in. And I haven't learned how to deal with life in general, but I have learned to take it one day at a time. My grief comes in waves, sometimes HUGE waves, but I am always able to look up and be thankful for what I have and be thankful for the little life that was shared with me for 3 weeks. Cylas was my prince charming only he didn't know it. But I do know that he knew that I loved him with all my heart and I always will. There has been a reference to a song called "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks and I love that song and I also like the phrase "I will send my love to you each night on angels wings." That phrase is so true. I do send my love to Cylas every night and I know that he also loves me too!!!