THANKSGIVING

With two of the most celebrated holidays coming up I feel at peace. And for me that's strange. I haven't felt such peace in a very long time. My heart still hurts and I still cry for you. I will always wish that you were here with us but I also know that you are in a much happier place. There are still feelings and issues that I have to deal with but I think this time around I'm going to handle it alot better.

Miss Priss is begging for a christmas tree and T is begging for outside Christmas lights. And to be honest I just don't do Christmas. It's a hard topic for me. I've told them that we'll have to wait and see.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I love you, Cylas Mychal!!!!

Mommy

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Happy Halloween in Heaven, Cylas!!! I don't know if you celebrate halloween in heaven but if you do I hope you get tons of candy!!!

I can't help but think about what you would have dressed up as. For some reason I keep thinking you would have been the Incredible Hulk!! You would be a rough housing little boy so I think the Hulk would fit you perfectly!!

I wish you could be here to Trick or Treat with your sisters but I know that you are always with us.

Love you!!!
Mommy

OCTOBER 15TH

Today I'm participating!!! Today I remember you!! I will go home and light my candle and just reminisce!!
I will also remember your angel friends and their parents. Since this journey has begun I was feeling like the loniliest person in the world. I didn't understand why I had to suffer such a loss and bear so much grief. No one really understands my feelings and I wouldn't want anyone to go through the same thing. But I have found parents from all over the world who understand my grief. They understand my anger & pain. They love me at my worst and they love me at my best. They remember you and it warms my heart!! I'm not alone in this world of Infant Loss. Even though I have a heart that beats inside of me, it's continually healing. There's a place there that will never ever be filled by any love from another, only yours. That place will always long to feel your hugs and hear those precious words "Mommy I love you!" or "Mommy, you're the best!!" That spot will always be just yours.

So today, I remember my precious, sweet, little angel boy, who I carry in my heart always and send my love to on angel wings!! God Speed, Cylas Mychal!!

Mommy Loves you!!!!!

OCTOBER

October has started off with a blast (as usual)! Emotions running high & everyone anxious about the Fall Season. Our tribe is celebrating a 100 years of our Indian Fair. It's the first year that I've been able to enjoy it without helping your sister with her pagent or even working on her school's float. I've been lazy and just taking it easy. But your Big Sissy said she'll be ready for the pagent's next year so I guess I better enjoy it while I can.

And it doesn't take long to realize that all those Family holidays are coming up and your still missing from those holidays. Halloween is first on the list and even though your not here I still like to think about what you could be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure it would be a Super Hero, maybe Iron Man or Super Man!! And then of course Thanksgiving & Christmas aren't too far behind. I dread Christmas the most. And you know that I do. Your birthday is on the 24th so it kind of makes for a bad Christmas. But we are planning on sending you balloons and having a cake. Just like we always do. You will always be celebrated on your special day!! You are loved and Missed!!!!

Stay close son!!!

Love Mom

WHERE MY MIND IS TODAY..............

It's with you!!! Been sitting here at work with tears in my eyes all morning. Today you are on my mind, my heart is aching for you!! Why?? I don't know. I have moments like this from time to time. Usually it means that I need to visit you or it means that I've been holding it in so long that I'm just ready to break. I keep thinking about how your birthday is only a few months away and how I plan on  celebrating that special day without you here. Your sisters already requested the balloons because they said you love them, Ha!! Ha!! And of course we always do cake. I'm also considering sky lanterns in the shape of hearts, anything for you babe!!

Then we have to decorate your grave with Christmas flowers and some new toys. I keep thinking about all the things you could be doing and the funny things you would be saying. I'm pretty sure you would be mess and a rowdy little man, LOL!!

I love you and miss you, Cylas!!! Always and Forever!!!

Mommy

SO HEARTBROKEN.........AGAIN

It seems like lately I've been everyone's punching bag. And it's totally unfair. Your sperm donor welcomed a new bouncing baby BOY into the world over the weekend and I'm not doing cartwheels or feeling the baby joy!! Guess what this new baby's name is.......bet you can't guess.......it's Channing MYKAL Toineeta!! Yeah, him and baby mama had the nerve to use Mychal (spelled differently)!!! He denied this baby too!!!! He hasn't changed much......he's still a big JERK!!!! I heard they used MYCHAL because it's in honor of you, yeah WHATEVER!!! You can't honor a child that you didn't claim in the first place. It's an insult to your memory and it breaks my heart that he feels he has to do this. If he's feeling guilt about what happened, it's too little, too late!!!!

I am so very angry and mad right now. But I know there isn't nothing I can do. I'm going to have to grin and bare it. J told me not to let it get to me but that's very hard to do. When I was pregnant with you he didn't want nothing to do with you, he didn't stay with you at the hospital, and the only time he was around was when it made him look good, when it made him look like he was suffering!!!! He was putting on a show and that's what he's doing now. He's going to rub it in my face and all I want to do to is punch him in the face.

He didn't deserve a new baby boy. He had one and you were treated like trash!! I loved you, I took care of you, I was there for you, & I am your mother and father. If you were alive I would hold those two roles with grace and plenty of love!!! He just sucks!!!

I want to find a hiding place and just cry myself to sleep. All my feelings of loss are coming back. I just want you!!!!

FINALLY....WE HAVE A ANSWER

I feel so much relief today!! I took Nana back to the doctor last night because she's been complaining of a belly ache for over a month and it has made her feel awful. She visited our local hospital twice and they didn't find anything or even focus on her complaints. I took her to Bryson City and thankfully the doctor was able to find out what is wrong with her. We found out that she has a bacteria in her stomach called H. Pylori. Both of us were relieved but now it has to be treated. This bacteria will never really go away and can act up at anytime. So she's on 3 antibiotics and was given a GI cocktail that she can drink when needed for pain or discomfort. She has to cut down on her coffee which is going to be really hard because she loves her coffee. Now I am hoping this is the answer to our prayers and that she'll somewhat get back to her old self. I am so relieved and happy.

On the other hand, your pop is having a hard time. I think his emotions are running very high right now. He fears that he's going to lose his wife before he's ready and he's missing you. He's just now breaking down and questioning why you had to die. My dad holds everything in (I'm just like him) but when he breaks you better be prepared. He's had a few times here lately where he's been crying and often feels lonely. He doesn't understand why his family doesn't come around. Me, Nana, your big & little sister are all that he has and I think that's starting to scare him. I feel bad for my dad. He doesn't have any contact with the brother and sister that are still living and the only time select family comes to see him is when they money and I know sucks. But he knows that we love him and that's all counts. I pray that God comes into his life and can give him some comfort. That's all I can do.

Continue to watch over Nan and Pops. They love and you miss too!!

SO MUCH GOING ON

Cylas there is so much happening around here. I'm glad that you are in heaven to watch over us. Nana is sick and I don't think she will get any better. Her Alzheimer's is progressing and right now she is just so weak. We are having to keep a close eye on her. Right now all we can do is pray!! Please watch over your nana. She loved holding you and loving on you while you were here and I am pretty sure she would love to feel you around her. Pops is heartbroken. He realizes that she's not going to be the "old" Nana or wife that he once knew. It's going to be a different scenario all too soon. We are not ready to see or lose her. She's been so strong and driven for so long. It's so hard to see her in this condition. Right now she still moves around we just have to watch her and make sure she doesn't fall and she still tries to cook but even that is becoming more hazordous. Your Uncle Junebug is having a hard time dealing with this news. I think we all are. We all just show it differently. I tend to run from my feelings until I can't run no more. And I let it stress me out which right now is not good for me. Your Big sissy is trying to understand what's going on with her Nana and it's so hard to explain things to her. I don't want her to be hurt either. I would much rather her enjoy this time with Nana and have that memory to fall back on. T is too young to understand. She still Nana can move the heaven and earth when she yells at her, LOL!! They are gonna have to watch the changes in their Nana and I'm going to have to find the right words to explain to them. And I know I can do it. I did it before after you passed away. I had to look into Miss Priss' eyes and break her heart by telling her you weren't coming home. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I found the words that time and I know that God will help me explain things to them again.

Then there's me!! I've been having chest pains for a few months and I've been trying to find out what's causing it. I seen a Cardiologist and he doesn't think it's my heart but that doesn't explain the pain I've been feeling. I just want it to go away. I've got to call and set up an appointment to get a heart catheterization done on August 13th. The Dr said that this would answer all my questions and hopefully put my mind at ease. There's alot of things I need to plan for. With Nana being so sick I don't have anyone I trust to watch your sisters. I'm kind of in a bind. That alone makes me want to cancel this whole procedure. But I know that I've got to find out or it will drive me crazy. I will figure out the details and I just hope and pray that I don't have any blockages and it's a one day procedure. I'm scared and I worry about the girls. I'm all they have. I'm the one person that they know they can depend on. I've got my church family praying for me and I've been doing some praying. I believe that prayers are answered and I believe in the power of prayers. I've got an appointment with the Oncologist Wednesday to find out if I have cancer (which the doctor is pretty sure I don't.) And that's a little scary!!! So much is going on. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I feel pretty much like I did after you got so sick and it looked hopeless for you. All I wanted to do was trade places with you. I wanted to take away your pain. I'm feeling helpless right now. I hate the unknown!!! I've been there before with you and I definitely didn't want to ever revisit that feeling again. Please watch over me as well. You are my special guardian angel and I love you very much. Watch over your sisters during this time. Comfort their hearts.

I just want to make sure I am here for your sisters. I long to reunite with you but I know that you are fine. You are in Heaven. You have no worries, no sickness, or no pain. I don't want to leave your precious sisters without a mommy. Being a mommy is the greatest thing that this life has to offer. So Please Cylas I ask that you watch over your family!!! Send us some comfort and peace!!!

Love you Little man!!!!!

A LITTLE HECTIC

As I am writing this I find that my life has gotten a little hectic. I'm having some health issues and it's a little scary and aggravating. Apparently my white blood count has been high since I had you and the doctors here in Cherokee are just now sending out to see why? I was afraid it was cancer, because as you can see, I read too much. The doctor I seen said he doesn't think it's cancer but he did run some tests and I go back to see him on the 25th. I've also been having chest pains. I've had two EKG's done, One doctor's visit at Cherokee, I had a stress test done on Monday, July 9th and found out today that the EKO came back abnormal. I've had one doctor appointment after another. It seems as though they are non stop here lately. But I want to find out what's going on with me. I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have anyone to help raise your sisters, it's just me. And they need me. I want to make sure that I am here for them. So I go see a cardiologist next Thursday so we shall see. I also have to go see a dermatologist but that's not until August.

T has to go see a doctor in Asheville about her arm. Her doctor thinks it's healing well but he said he would feel better if she was seen over there. Miss Priss is the only one holding up, LOL. She's enjoying her summer and dreads the start of a new school year. She'll be in the third grade. We took your turtle to you yesterday. She picked a spot out for it on your grave and took pictures with her tablet. They sure do miss you. T talks about you being in heaven and that you are her big brother. And Miss Priss still sleeps with Stripes the tiger you "left" her. And she won't share that thing with T for nothing. I'm so happy they love you the way they do. You are one lucky little boy. You've got a ton of come flying to you every night!!!!

I keep moving forward and I try not to think about the stuff going on in my life. But sometimes it's hard. I can feel the worry and grief building up on my shoulders. And it's not a good feeling. Cylas, please watch over me and keep me safe. You are my guardian angel and I love you!!!

Mommy

THE EX IS A JERK

My weekend was pretty much ruined on Saturday. The Ex and your sperm donor is having a new baby, a boy, and he is planning on using "Michael" for the middle name. In his mind it's in honor of you but in reality it's an insult. He left when I was nearing the end of my first trimester. He left to be with another woman. He left me, your sister and you!! Within about two weeks he was telling everyone that he wasn't your dad. I pretty much started resenting him then. I kind of figured if he was that kind of person, none of us needed him in our lives. And I told him that was how I felt. I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't your dad then he didn't need to get excited about your arrival or worry about naming you.

He didn't stay with you in the hospital, both times!! All he did was give me grief because I was at the hospital instead of at home with your sister. I didn't get any support from him at all. HE WAS A JERK!!! And the fact that he wants to use "Michael" for his new son, a baby he also denied is just really heartbreaking to me. I'm filled with resentment and I'm very angry right now. I don't think it's fair that he gets another son. All the hurt has come back and I'm just recalling every mean thing he ever said.

I chose your name. I am the reason there is a Cylas Mychal. And I chose this name without any help from that jerk. I always liked the name Silas but of course I had to be different and spell it differently & then Mychal well that was in honor of your Pops!! His first name is Mike and I wanted to find a way to honor him so that's why I used Mychal (and of course that had to be spelled differently too.)

I guess there really isn't nothing I can do except vent!!! And I can do that. Cylas, I don't consider him your dad and if you were here you wouldn't be a part of his life. I would have raised you alone without any assistance from him. You are my SON!! I love you very much. That will never change.

MOTHER'S DAY

As Mother's Day approaches it becomes a bittersweet time in my life. My heart aches for my little boy. And honestly my heart will probably always ache for Cylas. Life is full of surprises and sometimes they are not happy surprises. Sure I have two beautiful girls that I love with all my heart but in reality I should have 3 LIVING children but I suppose that wasn't meant to be. I'll never understand why Cylas was taken from me but I know that he is in a better place and he's no longer in pain. Those last few days of his life were no picnic, not for him and not for me. I would have moved heaven and earth to take away his pain & I would have given my life so he could live. Cylas was perfect in every way. He had a head full of black hair, chubby cheeks, & he had mezmorizing eyes!! I often wonder if he knew that I loved him very much. And if he knew that I was there with him until the end. Did he know that I was holding his hand and rubbing his head when the doctor called his time of death? Saying good bye was not easy. I wanted to hold him just a little bit longer. The days following his death are kind of a blur. I didn't think my life would ever be the same. Planning his funeral was like a dream, picking out his flowers broke my heart, & I felt like I didn't do enough to keep him here. And I still feel like I failed him somewhere along the way. I ask myself over and over again, What did I miss? Did I ask the wrong questions? Did I not pay attention to my surroundings? Last night Iwodi came up to me and gave me a hug and said "I miss Cylas!!" I know she misses her brother. She loved him very much. She helped change his diapers and make his bottles. She loved it when I would let her hold him. He would just stare at her with wonder in his eyes. They would have been great together. She was a good big sister, couldn't ask for any better. AND T also mentions Cylas from time to time. She talks about him being in heaven, she looks for his star, and she likes to hold Stripes when Iwodi will let her. They both know where their brother is. I think it gets hard for all of us from time to time.

So pardon me if I'm not in a cheerful mood. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings. I feel guilty for laughing and I feel guilty for crying. Can't really win!! Someone asked me the other day if I was ever going to try for another baby and even though I've changed my mind many times I think my answer would be no. No baby could ever replace Cylas, I just want him. I think that maybe I was meant to have my own little angel in heaven, even though it's not what I want, it's what my life was given. I pray daily for strength to make it from day to day and I have learned that crying is never wrong, remembering is a blessing, and that my love reaches Cylas in an blink of an eye.

So Happy Mother's Day!! Whether you hold your children in your arms or in your heart, it's still your day!!!

IT'S ME AGAIN

Hey Cylas,

Your momma has been busy!! But I think I'm finally getting a break. My Phlebotomy class ended last night. I made a 94 on the Final Exam and a 97 for the class as a whole. I finish up my clinical on the 30th and then I think I'm done with school for a little while. I still haven't decided if I want to move from my current job or stay with it a little longer. I guess I will have to pray about it and see where my road leads. I've just been super busy but it's a good kind of busy.

With the 15th and 24th passing by, you have been on my mind too. Thinking about how long you've been gone and how old you are. It's always on my mind. The "what might have been's" and "what if's". Your sister enjoyed her birthday and now has a new pet. It's a baby chick we call "Cullen"! She's being very responsible and taking good care of him. He's a weird little chick. He only eats Cheerios!!! But he's growing like a weed. And T is doing good. She has a cold right now but other than that she is growing like a weed and giving some grief here and there. I can't imagine what my life would be like if you were all together. I would have my hands full that's for sure.

Been having some issues with your nana. She likes to under mind me on my parenting skills and it really bugs me. I just wish I had her full support and she didn't go behind my back making me sound bad. I think I'm a good mom and I do the best that I can with what I've got. It's not easy being a single parent and I do wish I had some back up when it comes to a "father" figure. I miss the conversations that could be taking place and I miss the support. J and I are still "together" but it's a little bit complicated since he doesn't really know what he wants from one moment to the next. And it's not like I have a ton of men knocking down my door vying for my attention. I don't want to grow old alone and I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I would like to find a good man to stand beside me, love me and share my life. J is a good man but he tends to be harder on himself then he needs to be. I can't convince him or make him see it any other way. That will have to come from him. But I do love him and I am constantly praying about our relationship.

I love and miss you Cylas. Time passes by so fast. It doesn't even seem like 4 1/2 years have come and gone since I last held you my arms. It all still feels like yesterday. I think about you all time and I wonder what kind of little boy you would have been. I can see you being mean and rough housing it with your sisters, probably making them cry, LOL!!! And all I could say is that's my boy!!! I still carry around some guilt but it's not as bad as it used to be. I'm dealing with it a little better. I still cry when I'm alone and I still dread holidays and I still have a hard time on your birthday. Those are the days I just want to hide under a rock and never come back out. We took some new flowers to your grave. And soon it will be time for some more. We have a turtle that we forgot in my car so it's a constant reminder that we need to go visit you again. I hope that you know your sisters and I love you very much. T talks about you more now and she knows your an angel and your in heaven but it's just nice to know that you are not forgotten!!!! She likes to find your star and let me know that it's still shining bright. So we are doing good. We have our mother, daughter moments and then we get on with our day.

Always sending you Love, Heavenly kisses & Angel hugs,
Mommy

8TH BIRTHDAY

Your sister's 8th birthday is coming up real soon. Can you believe that she's gonna be 8? I can't, at all. Time passes too fast these days.

The picture above will be in next week's One Feather.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK TO ME???

The other day as I was coming back home from Asheville with J, your star was shining so bright and it was right beside the moon. I kept thinking about the book that I bought for your sister after you passed away and how much it has helped her understand what happened to you.

It felt like you were saying "look at me mom!! I'm dancing on the moon tonight, can you see me?" It was a bittersweet moment for me. It just goes to show that even though you're in heaven, you are still so close and a part of me everyday.

I love you baby boy!!!
Mommy

MARCH

Wow, I can't believe it's already March!!! In 4 weeks your big sister will be 8 years old!!! I don't have a big party planned for her. She wants to go to Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge, TN so I think we'll do an overnight trip and also go to the Aquarium. I can't believe how big she has gotten. She's her own little person and diffinitely likes to voice her opinion.

As for me, I'm taking a Phlebotomy class. And I start clinicals next week. I'm nervous but ready to get those hours over and done with. We have to have 100 successful sticks and 120 hours completed by June 5th. So I have been working full time and going to class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. My tests and quizzes have some pretty good grades attached to them and I am very proud of that fact. I'm really hard on myself!! I think you would be proud of me. I mean if it wasn't for you I probably would have never thought about going in this direction in my life. I thought I was done with school but the medical stuff really interest me. I don't know if I see anymore classes in my future but I'm definitely not saying NO to the idea. I really hope I can find a job in this field. I think it's time for a change but I guess only God will make it happen. If it's meant to be then ok.

T is growing like a weed too!! Right now she's sick. She has a cold. So please stay close to her and keep her and P safe. I haven't visited you in a few months. I am sorry for that. I have some things for your grave and I will get them on there in time. I still miss you like crazy!!! I think about you often and carry you in my heart always!!!!

Love,
Mommy

VALENTINE'S DAY

Happy Valentine's Day, son!!!!! You are loved and missed so very much!!!!

4 YEAR ANGELVARSARY

Sunday, January 15, 2012 was your 4 year Angelvarsary. It was easy on my mind but very difficult on my heart. I posted on Facebook when you were taken into the NICU, when I was told that there was nothing more they could do for you, and I posted what time you died. I also spent that time with Curren and it was so much better then sitting at home crying. I dread days like these and it always brings back all those memories that I have good or bad.

It's still very hard to believe that you have been gone for 4 years. It feels like its been an eternity without you . My heart still misses you so very much. I still wish that you didn't have to die and that you could have stayed here and grew up with your sisters. I love you very much and that will never change.

I hope you had a good Angelvarsary in Heaven. I will forever carry you in my heart and soul. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!!