CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: October 2011

October 20, 2011

IT'S ALREADY STARTED

I've been feeling it coming on for a while now. But I feel the DREAD and I can feel the SADNESS headed my way. The last couple of years I've managed to keep my head above the water and I've managed to stay pretty positive. But I can feel it coming and it scares me. It always starts in October and doesn't end until well into February. Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas are always the hardest holidays for me. They are all family oriented and I have a broken family or a missing link I guess you could say; YOU!!! I don't know how I've managed to make this far but I have. It just reminds me of the pain that I still feel and the emptiness that still settles into my heart. Everyone around me knows why I am the way that I am and they try to understand where I'm coming from but I know that they will never fully understand what I'm feeling. I just want to go hide under a rock and let these next few months just pass by without incident.

Everytime I hold Cylas Bear in my arms I cry!! He fills my empty arms but holding the bear takes me back to the night I had to hand you over to the Funeral Home. The young man carried in a basket. I dreaded seeing him coming down the hall because I knew it would be the last time I seen you until the services. I had spent my time holding and rocking you, as if to sooth the pain that I felt. When he arrived at the door of the room I knew what I had to do. I wanted to run!! He stood there looking somber, without words. My family was there and someone said "it's time." I slowly stood up and walked towards the man, holding you in my arms. I was taking in every second I had. I was taking in the smell of you (you were just given a bath). When I finally made it I looked at him and I asked him if I could lay you in the basket, and he said yes. So I fixed your blanket. I made sure it was snug and I kissed your forehead and laid you in the basket. I had tears rolling my face. I gave him some tissue and asked him to keep your nose wiped (because it had been running). He said that he would but how do I know he followed through on that promise, really! He slowly turned and walked away. I watched until he turned the corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That night is so fresh, it's a dreaded memory but it's a memory of you and it's one that I don't ever want to forget. I want to hang to my memories forever.

Please stay close to us Cylas! These next few months are gonna be hard.

October 15, 2011

ANGELVARSARY #45 and REMEMBERANCE DAY

Today was angelvarsary #45 for you Cylas!! And it was also the day to remember all babies gone too soon! Before I lost you I was ignorant to that part of the world around me. I didn't think I could or would lose a child and now my eyes have been open to a world of grief and unconditional love. I have met so many women who know the same grief that I do. They don't ever judge me or tell me that I need to move on or get over it. And that makes it feel so good. I know that your in a better place and I know that I will see you again someday but that doesn't ease the pain that I feel in my heart and it doesn't fill my empty arms. My life will never be the same. I will never view a pregnancy in the same way. I will never believe that a baby is safe after 13 weeks. That reality has been forever changed for me.

So today as I remember you with love I also sit here and remember all the friends that you have up there heaven. I remember Jack, Olive Lucy, Alexandria, Tristan. Chase, Blayze, Cadeau, Conner, Austin, Jay, Pierce, Dylan. Valentina, Little Bee, Reese, Layla, Cora, and there are many others that I can't remember but I hold each of them and their families in my heart. They have become a part of me because I have become friends with their parents. We share this burden together! We carry each other in our hearts. And we support each other through all the ups and downs!!

Cylas you have been remembered by so many people today. I hope you can feel the love that has been sent up to you on angel wings!! You have not been forgotten and that is a great accomplishment on my part. I refuse to let you be forgotten. I refuse to stop being your mommy!! I love you and carry you in my heart, today and tomorrow, and forever until we meet again!!

I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

October 13, 2011

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

I received my Cylas Bear yesterday and it was the best surprise I've received in a long time.

THANK YOU MOLLY BEARS!!!!

October 6, 2011

SHE DIDN'T WIN

Well Cylas you have a very disappointed big sister today. Last night was the last night of sisters pageant and she didn't even place!!! I'm very sad for her. She's trying to be so strong (she hasn't even cried) but I know she's heart broken. I wish that I knew how to take her pain away but I can't. She will get through this. She's a very strong little girl so I know she'll be fine. Please stay extra close to her. She could use some love from hr little brother. I can only hope her spirits can be lifted again.

I don't know if she will try again and if she doesn't she will always be my Cherokee Princess and #1 in my heart.

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IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.