CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA, you are loved and missed daily. I wish that I could say that it has gotten better, but you are always on my mind. I try to focus on other things and it works for a little while but not long. I'm worried that I'm stuck in my grief. I don't want to be stuck. I have tried like hell to make things better for myself. I am trying to focus on your sisters and keep them happy. But I guess I need to know how to keep myself happy. I'm lost on that one though.
On Thursday it will be 21 months since we said goodbye to you. A counselor told me that it might be best to only remember one date that pertains to you, but it's so hard. I remember the day you were born and I remember the day you died, how do you block one day out? To me that's like asking me to forget and that's something that I refuse to do. I REFUSE to forget anything about you good or bad.
I was reading at one point and that seemed to fill my mind, but it didn't last. I was reading the TWILIGHT books but it didn't take me long to read all four books and I just can't seem to get into any other books. I have turned into a major Twilight fan and I have proclaimed myself as a TEAM EDWARD member. And even though I can't wait for the New Moon movie to come out, I am still missing you.
How I wish no one had to lose a child! I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It seems as though no one understands and they think "gah, get over it!" I don't think I'll ever get over it. I know that time heals all wounds, but the memory still remains. It still hurts. It still breaks my heart all over again to think about the day you died. I am still that broken momma I was a few months back. I am still angry. I still blame myself and I blame my EX for being a total butt head and denying you.
Cylas, I miss you. Your sister misses you. I don't know about the rest of my family, but your sister and I still miss you and we want you back.