RANDOM THOUGHTS

Here lately I've been thinking about Cylas alot. I've been thinking about alot of stuff in regards to him. I've even remembered somethings that I have not mentioned on this blog. I know that thinking about the bad isn't a good idea but I also think it's a major part of the healing process.

1. One thing I recall is the day of his funeral. He was given a beautiful service. Even though I was walking around like a robot I do recall what was said, well most of it anyway. I hated that day more than anything in my life. It's something I wish no one had to experience. I've mentioned my daughter's curiosity. She was wondering how her brother would make it to heaven with all that dirt on him. At the time, it was hard to hear her ask that question, but now I know she was just trying to understand. Well, at the grave yard, his "uncle" sang a song for him. There was one moment during that time that he paused and was looking at the sky. I didn't look up at all during that whole time. I was trying to hold it all together for my daughters sake and for mine. But afterwards I did ask what happened. One of my aunts told me that there were TWO suns in the sky. I wondered what that meant. And then after a time I just assumed that it was Cylas letting everyone know that he was ok and that he was always close by.

2. I also remember how he would stare at anyone who held him. I don't know if he was trying to figure who we were or if it was way of letting us know that he loved us just as much as we loved him. His eyes were so dark, they just seemed to paralyze you. I loved looking into his eyes, that was our one on one time. He had his days and nights mixed up so he was a night owl.

3. I miss running my fingers through his thick black hair. I liked messing it up and making him look rugged. He looked so much like his "daddy" I just couldn't take it. I wanted to make him look less like his "daddy". His hair was just like a football helmet on his head. I loved it. I was glad that both my children had a head full of hair.

4. The hardest part about losing Cylas is the fact that he spent most of his time in the hospital. He was in the hospital for a week after he was born. He came home for about 10 days and then was right back in the hospital again. I stayed with him through it all. I wanted to make sure he knew that his mom was right there. It was so hard on me because I also wanted to be home with my daughter too. But I knew that she was being taken care of and I also knew that at that moment in time Cylas needed me.

5. I blame my EX and his "new" wife for Cylas dying. I mean I know medically he died of complete organ failure due to IV fluid overload, but I know in my heart that my EX and his wife really didn't want him here. My Ex denied him early on in the pregnancy and his wife just jumped right on the boat with him. It was none of her business, but I know what was said about my son and those words still hurt me today. The last time I really had anything to say to my EX was that I hoped him and his new wife live a good life knowing that they killed my son.

6. Cylas Mychal Toineeta was my last child. He was my only boy. I wanted to have a boy more than anything. I was so happy to find out I was having a boy. I don't know, I guess I just like the idea of having a Momma's Boy. I miss him so badly sometimes I really don't know how I make it through my days. Over the last 15 months I've been so afraid that I will forget him. It's not easy being a mom to an angel baby. It's one of the hardiest jobs anyone could ever have.

Cylas, mommy misses you so much. I often wonder if I am doing enough to keep your memory alive. Please always remember that I carry you everywhere I go in my heart.

XOXOXOXO,
Mommy