MISSING YOU

Today I was reading about a little girl named Kayleigh. She's been in the NICU for 10 months and she's partially brain dead. She will never learn how to talk, walk, or comprehend the things around her. While reading her story tears flooded my eyes like never before. I kept thinking I know what her parents are going through. I've been there and I've done that. But really, I haven't been there. She's alive. The part of her brain that is working is what's keeping her heart beating. They're pain is much greater than mine. They are able to touch their daughter and I am not. You are gone mentally and physically. There is nothing that I can to make you feel better. Her parents are so close to having her completely. They don't know how much time they have with her and hope to take her home. God has blessed them with this time and their thankful for it. They've had her for 10 months and are thankful for that time. Since you've died, I been questioning my faith wondering where I fit in. I've been asking God, Why? I've been very selfish wishing for more time with you. I've been angry and unappreciative of what time I did have. I had 3 weeks with you, but 3 weeks, in my mind is NOT enough. I want more and sometimes I demand more time. But Kayleigh's parents are thankful and I keep thinking should I be thankful? Should I stop with all the bitterness? Should I stop hiding from the light that wants to shine in my life? I went to lunch today re-living your final day in the NICU, crying for you and crying because I was so touched by Kayleigh's story and how strong her parents faith in God is.

You would think that after 15 months I would have my act together (but I don't). I still miss you just as much as I did the night you died. I don't cry everyday anymore, but when I do cry it seems never ending. All the events that took place from the time of your birth to the time of your death are still fresh in my mind. I try to keep them hidden, but they're still there. I can still close my eyes and replay everything like a movie. I still regret not telling you goodbye before they put you in an induced sleep. I regret not looking into those dark brown eyes just one more time. I regret not fighting harder for you. I was foolish to listen to the doctors. There were many times I should have fought for you, but I believed the doctors could make you better.

There is a peice of my heart missing. It left when you left. You will be my son forever and always. I will always miss you. I will never forget you. You have my love and I hope you can feel it in heaven.

Mommy

You are 16 months old

Cylas, my little boy, I am so sorry I didn't post this on Friday, but I wasn't near a computer. I was at home taking care of your sisters. The daycare they attend was closed and I didn't have time to look for a babysitter. Wow, I can't believe you are 16 months old. It's unbelieveable. I can only imagine what I would be doing right now. I would be chasing you around, trying to take the bottle away, and even starting to potty train you. That's alot to miss out on.

You are getting older day by day, and I am missing each moment of it. It's so hard not having you here with us. I am reminded daily of all that I am missing. I think about you in the evening time, right before bed. I keep hoping that tonight will be the night I dream about you or feel you near me before I go to sleep. But nothing happens and it makes me wonder if I've done something wrong to make you not want to visit with me.

But all I can ask, is for you to stay with your sisters. They need you more than I do. I know that you are always watching over all of us.

I love you!!!
Mommy

15 MONTHS

Cylas it's been 15 months since you grew your angel wings and left me. It hasn't been easy and I still struggle every day with this new "normal." I have so many questions that I know will never get answered. I miss you and wish everyday that you could come back. I love you with all my heart. I keep thinking that I should have done this or done that and maybe you would still be here. However, it's been a while since I've actually sat and blamed myself for what happened to you. But it doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I wish I had done something different. I wish I was more BOSSY with your nurses and doctors instead of believeing every word that came out of their mouth.

Cylas I want you to know that you will NEVER be forgotten. I will carry you in my heart FOREVER. You will always be my little Prince and my Ta-la-du. Your sister and I try so hard to understand but sometimes our trying turns to pain. She loves you and misses you, too. Please watch over us and let us know that you are still here with us.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

Mommy

Happy Easter!!!

Cylas,

I am so late with this, but I wanted to wish you a happy Easter!!! I wasn't able to visit you yesterday, but I was thinking about you all day. Watching your sister hunt eggs made me miss you. I keep thinking about you and how you should be here crushing those eggs or taking them away from her. I could actually see you out there running around right behind her, it made my heart ache. I should have been helping you find your eggs this year and that didn't happen. Prairie was so happy, she found 12 eggs. She was sitting in the car and she said "Cylas, did you see me find all these eggs?" She always includes you. It's sweet and so sad at the same time.

I was finally able to take all your Christmas flowers off your grave on Thursday. So right now you don't have any flowers, but you do have a new item to look at. I've got pictures, I'll post them on here in a few. Also in these pictures is your headstone. I still don't like it, but I am trying to figure out what to do without hurting anyone's feelings.

I hope you had fun looking for those golden eggs with all your friends. I miss you and love you more and more everyday. Please stay close.

Love,

Mommy

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Here lately I've been thinking about Cylas alot. I've been thinking about alot of stuff in regards to him. I've even remembered somethings that I have not mentioned on this blog. I know that thinking about the bad isn't a good idea but I also think it's a major part of the healing process.

1. One thing I recall is the day of his funeral. He was given a beautiful service. Even though I was walking around like a robot I do recall what was said, well most of it anyway. I hated that day more than anything in my life. It's something I wish no one had to experience. I've mentioned my daughter's curiosity. She was wondering how her brother would make it to heaven with all that dirt on him. At the time, it was hard to hear her ask that question, but now I know she was just trying to understand. Well, at the grave yard, his "uncle" sang a song for him. There was one moment during that time that he paused and was looking at the sky. I didn't look up at all during that whole time. I was trying to hold it all together for my daughters sake and for mine. But afterwards I did ask what happened. One of my aunts told me that there were TWO suns in the sky. I wondered what that meant. And then after a time I just assumed that it was Cylas letting everyone know that he was ok and that he was always close by.

2. I also remember how he would stare at anyone who held him. I don't know if he was trying to figure who we were or if it was way of letting us know that he loved us just as much as we loved him. His eyes were so dark, they just seemed to paralyze you. I loved looking into his eyes, that was our one on one time. He had his days and nights mixed up so he was a night owl.

3. I miss running my fingers through his thick black hair. I liked messing it up and making him look rugged. He looked so much like his "daddy" I just couldn't take it. I wanted to make him look less like his "daddy". His hair was just like a football helmet on his head. I loved it. I was glad that both my children had a head full of hair.

4. The hardest part about losing Cylas is the fact that he spent most of his time in the hospital. He was in the hospital for a week after he was born. He came home for about 10 days and then was right back in the hospital again. I stayed with him through it all. I wanted to make sure he knew that his mom was right there. It was so hard on me because I also wanted to be home with my daughter too. But I knew that she was being taken care of and I also knew that at that moment in time Cylas needed me.

5. I blame my EX and his "new" wife for Cylas dying. I mean I know medically he died of complete organ failure due to IV fluid overload, but I know in my heart that my EX and his wife really didn't want him here. My Ex denied him early on in the pregnancy and his wife just jumped right on the boat with him. It was none of her business, but I know what was said about my son and those words still hurt me today. The last time I really had anything to say to my EX was that I hoped him and his new wife live a good life knowing that they killed my son.

6. Cylas Mychal Toineeta was my last child. He was my only boy. I wanted to have a boy more than anything. I was so happy to find out I was having a boy. I don't know, I guess I just like the idea of having a Momma's Boy. I miss him so badly sometimes I really don't know how I make it through my days. Over the last 15 months I've been so afraid that I will forget him. It's not easy being a mom to an angel baby. It's one of the hardiest jobs anyone could ever have.

Cylas, mommy misses you so much. I often wonder if I am doing enough to keep your memory alive. Please always remember that I carry you everywhere I go in my heart.

XOXOXOXO,
Mommy

A FAST POST

Cylas,

I know that you probably already know this, but your sister had a tough time Saturday evening. She's really been missing you. It hurts her so much because you missed her birthday again. I just really want to ask you to stay close to her. She really needs to feel you by her side. She loves you so much and only wishes that you could come back.

We love you miss you everyday.

Mommy